Husband assumes negative intent
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Anonymous
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My husband has a habit of assuming negative intent in pretty much whatever anyone says. I am at a loss in trying to communicate with him. Here is today's example: he has an old friend coming into town for a brief visit. Husband spent all of Saturday laying in bed not feeling well, so I spent the day taking care of our 4 kids (ages 8 and under) despite not feeling awesome myself and having gotten not much sleep. So when husband sent me a text from store proposing we take the entire family out for pizza with his friend, it occurred to me he might be suggesting this so he wasn't ditching me with the kids again tonight.
I responded with this: "would you prefer to try to do adults only?" He gets mad at me. He assumes this is intended to mean that I don't want to go, take the kids, see his friend, whatever; that I'm somehow opposed to his plan and telling him it's a bad idea. I attempt to tell him that if I had a good friend I hadn't seen in years, I'd probably prefer to catch up with the friend one on one instead of over pizza with a 2, 4, 6 and 8 year old. His go-to response in pretty muh every one of these exchanges: "it didn't come across that way". Well how the hell should I have said this so as not to offend? I am EXHAUSTED by his propensity to assume ill intent in everything I say. Seriously, I could say "thanks for making coffee" and he'd find a way to be offended by it. Please help me figure out how to communicate with this person. |
Anonymous
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Okay, so take this with a grain of salt (this is DCUM after all). But this is exactly what my DH started doing when he was having an affair. I would give him a compliment about something and he would come back at me like I had made a horrible comment about him. Other people have also mentioned that this was the case when their partner was having an affair.
If it is nothing new and he's always been that way, it's probably not an affair. My guess would be low self-esteem or a lot of insecurities. Are you often sarcastic and do you belittle him? If so, that is an easy thing for you to work on. If not, my sympathies go out to you. He doesn't sound like an easy guy to live with. |
Anonymous
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What in the hell? You sent him a test saying, "would you prefer to try to do adults only?" and he freaked out? Are you kidding?
OMG, OP. Something sounds seriously wrong with your DH. There is no way I could live with that. You need to talk to him about how exhausting it is to live like this. And attend some couples counseling. I feel for you though. I could NEVER live with a "man" like this it would drive me up a wall... It sounds like you have a 13 year old girl as a husband. |
Anonymous
| Is this always over text? I know I'm "old" when I say this, but I think communicating over text is challenging. |
Anonymous
Agreed. Miss the days of simple phone calls. |
Anonymous
| Both DH and I are like this...overly sensitive. We had to make an effort to change it. He will say "I didn't mean anything by it, I'm sorry it upset you" and I have to force myself to let it go. He does the same. It's a lot better now. It is not an insurmountable problem but it does take an open discussion to address it and a conscious effort to fix it. Also if you are willing to recognize it as a character flaw of his, tell him you didn't mean anything by it, and forgive his irritation, at that point it is his problem. "I didn't mean anything by it...I'm sorry it upset you" is as far as the conversation goes though. Don't allow him to argue with you after you've said that. |
Anonymous
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Dh and I had a similar pattern, he in particular reacted with negativity to whatever I said, with a tendency to badger me so that I end up being super defensive about something that I never said/ meant, etc but by that time I was annoyed and short. We went to counseling. It took a while. but counselor also pointed out that each of us was reacting to something that the other person hadn't said and it was like we were talking over each other. He made us really stop, and listen before reacting.
Counselor had us practice various things, like repeating what the other person said, and then mirroring, and then asking if we understood them correctly. Like "okay, so you would like me to go out with my friend one on one? " or "so you're saying that you dont want to see the friend?" etc--and the other person would have a chance eto say either yes, that's what I meant or say "actually, I am wondering whether you prefer all of us going out, or prefer one on one with your friend. I am giving you that option and curious about what you would prefer to do", etc. It felt unnatural at first to have these practiced conversations, and we had to start on 'neutral' subjects that were not about couple issues--, like one of us describing our day, and the other person listening, mirroring, and then giving the speaker a chance to say whether s/he felt heard/understood. When stressed we sometimes fall back into the pattern, but generally have greatly improved things. I would say that in your position, his reaction is not a reflection of an affair so much as having 4 kids. That's a lot of stress, and not a lot of quality time for spending with each other--you need to have positive stress free interactions to tip the balance. |
Anonymous
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Pick up the phone. |
Anonymous
It's 2014. People text. Move on. |
Anonymous
| My husband never send a text or emails me. We either talk face to face or on the phone. Probably why we never misunderstand each other, argue or why I never write negative things about him here. |
Anonymous
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^^^ OMG. What is with all these Neo-Luddites spouting off about how much they hate texting?
Ok, we get it. You dont like to text. OP does. Get over it and contribute something useful to the discussion. |
Anonymous
You NEVER misunderstand each other? |
Anonymous
| OP- My DH acts the same way, overly sensitive, easily offended. I too am exhausted. I asked him yesterday, when can we get the (x) done, some work around the house that we already agreed to and it's still hasn't been touched. He blows up saying why he can't relax, and you could have asked nicely? I promise you that because I know he is so overly sensitive, I asked in a non-emotional, non nagging way. I suspect infidelity but can't put my finger on it. I don't know where the insecurity comes from but I now think I may be on to him. I think it's the guilt. |
Anonymous
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I feel your pain. My DH is crazy like that, too.
Even worse: if I ask him a question or make a comment, he *hears* a tone or yelling even when I am speaking calmly in a normal voice. He wasn't always like this. He's also begun yelling more (always?). |
Anonymous
OP here. Ugh, I'm right there with you. My husband also has the ability to hear a "tone" that JUST ISN'T THERE. Exhausting. |