Husband assumes negative intent

[Anonymous]

He has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well to be fair to your DH, you didn't answer his question. He was asking whether that was something *you* would enjoy. You responded assuming that it wasn't something that *he* would enjoy. He took it as such and translated that into something that *you* wouldn't enjoy.

You both need to practice being more direct with each other. Try just listening to what he is literally asking and answer that question. Might help. While you are trying that I would definitely suggest to DH that you are having trouble communicating with him (and you feel bad about that) and could he come with you to counseling so that you two could practice?

Wow, this thread is getting off track. To me, this comment sums it up. You need to answer the question he asks instead of trying to read intent that may or may not actually not be there. Did you want to go to the dinner or not? You did not answer that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder.

Or maybe he has aspies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH can be like this, to a lesser extent. I'm very direct. I say what I mean and I don't pull any punches. I simply can't understand why he seems to think that I am hinting around about something ...I speak my mind! I don't have a solution, just commiserating.

OP here, responding to this plus a couple of others: this is also part of the problem. He often assumes I have some secret meaning behind what I'm saying. "Oh, you already took the trash out!" is viewed as a potentially suspect statement that may imply I don't WANT the trash out just yet. "Sure, pancakes sound fine" is read as "but what I really mean is you don't love me because you didn't suggest omelettes". His mom is the world champion of passive aggressiveness, so he is always looking for the unstated REAL message. I've told him plenty of times that I mean what I say and I will SAY what I mean - not just think it real hard and hope he'll guess - but he still searches for "tone" or what he thinks I REALLY mean.

Re: undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Would not be surprising, actually. Or mild depression. Has fam hx of both.

To a PP who noted I did not directly respond with "sure, sounds great" to his original suggestion before offering up an alternative. You're right - I could have done better on that. I think I would have gotten a pretty similar reaction though no matter how I offered up the alternative. It's really, really hard to craft an innocuous question/statement to be directed to my husband.

We're a work in progress I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I had a similar pattern, he in particular reacted with negativity to whatever I said, with a tendency to badger me so that I end up being super defensive about something that I never said/ meant, etc but by that time I was annoyed and short. We went to counseling. It took a while. but counselor also pointed out that each of us was reacting to something that the other person hadn't said and it was like we were talking over each other. He made us really stop, and listen before reacting.
Counselor had us practice various things, like repeating what the other person said, and then mirroring, and then asking if we understood them correctly. Like "okay, so you would like me to go out with my friend one on one? " or "so you're saying that you dont want to see the friend?" etc--and the other person would have a chance eto say either yes, that's what I meant or say "actually, I am wondering whether you prefer all of us going out, or prefer one on one with your friend. I am giving you that option and curious about what you would prefer to do", etc. It felt unnatural at first to have these practiced conversations, and we had to start on 'neutral' subjects that were not about couple issues--, like one of us describing our day, and the other person listening, mirroring, and then giving the speaker a chance to say whether s/he felt heard/understood.


When stressed we sometimes fall back into the pattern, but generally have greatly improved things. I would say that in your position, his reaction is not a reflection of an affair so much as having 4 kids. That's a lot of stress, and not a lot of quality time for spending with each other--you need to have positive stress free interactions to tip the balance.

I think this is great advice.

FWIW, I'm the one in our marriage who assumes negative intent from fairly innocuous comments from my husband. There are a few reasons why I do that (and sometimes I'm right) but mostly it's a function of a constant low-level of stress and fatigue from running the house, dealing w/ small children (multiples), trying to maintain full time work, the marriage paying a serious price for the toll of small children, etc... I'm wound too tight, I'm too sensitive, I'm short tempered, and often I'm kind of bitchy. It isn't intentional of course, nor is it conscious in the moment, but I am getting better at being aware of it and trying to change my behavior. It becomes a self-fulfilling vicious cycle, but it's actually usually fairly simple to defuse if I'm paying attention.

We're actively considering counseling to help us w/ some of these things - I think that would be the fastest, smartest way to address the issue and I think we'd benefit hugely. Just a matter of figuring out scheduling... But I'd recommend it for you also. If there is a strong foundation between you both you might be able to find your way back to that more easily than you think,

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You picked him, and not only that, you procreated with him.

Yes, and just like the free market, there is perfect information before making a transaction.