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[quote=Anonymous]Dh and I had a similar pattern, he in particular reacted with negativity to whatever I said, with a tendency to badger me so that I end up being super defensive about something that I never said/ meant, etc but by that time I was annoyed and short.  We went to counseling. It took a while. but counselor also pointed out that each of us was reacting to something that the other person hadn't said and it was like we were talking over each other. He made us really stop, and listen before reacting. 
Counselor had us practice various things, like repeating what the other person said, and then mirroring, and then asking if we understood them correctly. Like "okay, so you would like me to go out with my friend one on one? " or "so you're saying that you dont want to see the friend?" etc--and the other person would have a chance eto say either yes, that's what I meant or say "actually, I am wondering whether you prefer all of us going out, or prefer one on one with your friend. I am giving you that option and curious about what you would prefer to do", etc. It felt unnatural at first to have these practiced conversations, and we had to start on 'neutral' subjects that were not about couple issues--, like one of us describing our day, and the other person listening, mirroring, and then giving the speaker a chance to say whether s/he felt heard/understood.

When stressed we sometimes fall back into the pattern, but generally have greatly improved things. I would say that in your position, his reaction is not a reflection of an affair so much as having 4 kids. That's a lot of stress, and not a lot of quality time for spending with each other--you need to have positive stress free interactions to tip the balance. [/quote]

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