How do I soften the tone of my voice

[Anonymous]

I always say "please" and "thank you" and am unfailingly polite, but I have recently gotten some feedback that my tone is aggressive and harsh. I am a female manager, 35, of people much older than me and mostly male Part of it, I think, is people not wanting to be directed by a younger "lady boss" (they actually use the phrase!). But I can sooner change my tone than the company culture. Can anyone recommend some classes or references?

[Anonymous]

Ouch. That's super hard to deal with. I struggle with this too. Some of it is misogynist and it's difficult to satisfy people who just don't want to be directed by you.

It's also possible that you legitimately have a harsh voice, though this criticism seems to be leveled more often at women than men.

You need a friend who understands your business who will be honest with you. Practice saying things (particularly difficult things) with him or her before you say them to your coworkers. It is possible to use a more neutral tone while still making firm statements. Don't let this feedback clip your wings. Don't apologize. It sounds like you're being firm, which is good. Are there any women in your organization whose speaking style you admire? Perhaps you could talk to them?

Or - show the people who've given you this feedback that you take it seriously and ask them to give you funding for an executive coach. An executive coach could help you untangle this whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is misogynist and it's difficult to satisfy people who just don't want to be directed by you.

It's also possible that you legitimately have a harsh voice, though this criticism seems to be leveled more often at women than men.

This. It may be the case there's a harsh tone or words but often I find criticism levied at women's tonal aggression or gestures would just be normal for men.

[Anonymous]

Try to either speak with a smile, or at least end on a smile.

I too suffered that years ago...when I was dealing with mainly male cultures who couldn't deal with women professionals over the age of 35.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I think that's stupid and rooted in misogyny. I just do. I have no advice for you but I would honestly just ignore it. Some feedback isn't worth considering especially if you stop and think, would they say that same thing to a man, probably not.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of how you look at the issue, it is a really easy fix. I had to go to a seminar on this back in the day, and all you have to do is smile when you speak and it changes your tone of voice. Especially effective on the phone. Also, smiling can be a good way to intimidate when you want to get your point across.

Another not so effective, but still pretty good one is to speak very softly when you are giving an order.

[Anonymous]

"Hey honey, smile for me. You'd look so much prettier if you'd smile". ugh

[Anonymous]

You can probably take a basic communication class and learn about "you" statements, how to be an active listener and how to ask open ended questions.

When people mess up try to make sure you look at the issue or the process instead of the person that made the mistake.

Besides that don't dumb yourself down because men can't handle smart women.

[Anonymous]

Get a vocal coach.

Chances are there's tension somewhere neck up which in turn causes the abrasiveness in your voice.

It's not a personality trait (your voice), it's physical.

[Anonymous]

Uh, is this thread for real? If you actually heard someone refer to you as "lady boss", file a complaint. You are the boss, not a "lady boss" or "girl boss". Would anyone ask a man to soften his voice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I think that's stupid and rooted in misogyny. I just do. I have no advice for you but I would honestly just ignore it. Some feedback isn't worth considering especially if you stop and think, would they say that same thing to a man, probably not.

I have no conventional job, yet I know that my voice is hard for some. My sisters and I have very deep, throaty voices. If I'm not careful, it sounds like my sister's voice, which is penetrating, harsh, and overall difficult to be around. I'm pretty sure if I breathe properly I can sound less like a goblin.

If I had any $ to spare, I'd get a vocal coach. Or acting coach.

Nothing wrong with a little bit of honey when communicating with others!

It isn't a gender hating thing. I've been around men who bellowed when speaking, perhaps it is a hearing issue--but again, unpleasant to be around.

[Anonymous]

You don't. You will not be able to please these guys. Don't try.

[Anonymous]

I too hear this just in my normal life. You sound made you sound harsh. It is because I get stressed or upset my voice changes. I feel bad about it but I can’t hear myself to correct how I sound. To me it’s like someone told me I look mad all the time but truly I am just thinking hard about something. What should I do put a paper bag over my head so I’m not offending people with my mad face lol people just don’t get the intense talking and thinking that goes on in our head. Even my husband and my mom will be on everyone Elise’s side because they hear me and see me. I’ve tried practice if in the mirror to smile a little more until my boss caught me lol a little awkward. Not sure what else we intense people can do? Relax and say not my problem

[Anonymous]

The next time someone says that to you ask how you sound different that "guy" colleague. My guess is that you don't.

That said, being a an active listener can make people feel like you care about what they are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I think that's stupid and rooted in misogyny. I just do. I have no advice for you but I would honestly just ignore it. Some feedback isn't worth considering especially if you stop and think, would they say that same thing to a man, probably not.

+1