How do I soften the tone of my voice

[Anonymous]

I think you need to try to tease out whether it’s misogyny or truly an issue with your tone. Full disclosure, I find people in and around DC to be extremely harsh sounding. People in this area and north sound really loud. They speak very quickly. They interrupt often. And their tone sometimes feels dismissive. BUT - and this is important - I’m from the Deep South. I’m used to softer, slower speech patterns from both men and women. No one in my family has that really redneck sounding drawl. But we do speak much more gently. I’m not saying my accent is better. Just that I have to remind myself that I am sometimes over sensitive to harsher sounding speech.

[Anonymous]

Its not you, its them. That being said, get an executive coach to help you navigate the misogyny.

I am polite and soft spoken, but have a reputation for being 'aggressive.' It was finally explained to me by someone that I do not couch what I say in phrases such as "well, I'm not sure if this is right but.." or "I can see why you came to that conclusion, but I think that perhaps the real issue is." Being direct and confident is okay if you're a man, but if you do it as a woman you can come across as aggressive/threatening.

[Anonymous]

I had a female manager, tell me that I was being aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say you have my sympathy! I work in a similar environment and have been told the same thing. Nobody has ever said this to me outside my current job and I’m the only executive level woman st the company so I think it’s a misogyny thing. Some of the others have even explicitly said that they don’t like taking direction from a woman.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Forgot to mention that the one thing I’ve done is to speak more slowly. That gives me a millisecond more time to think and pace the conversation, and bizarrely, by modeling the pace of my male colleagues supposedly I sound less aggressive. I think they are all crazy but as am trying to make it work...

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I’m not the op, was trying to say I was the pp

[Anonymous]

Your pacing experience, speaking more slowly, is a great first step, OP! I think it is a good thing that you're taking the feedback seriously.

I agree that it is a good idea to seek out an Executive Coach or Life Coach to help you tease out what you can do to change and improve the perceptions that other people have of you. Some things may not be easily changeable but there may be some things that you can implement with practice: like speaking more slowly, smiling when you speak, increasing your happy/receptive facial expressions and nodding when others are speaking, adding "softeners" to your statements, speaking more softly and increasing your inflection.

I am a teacher and the preceding list is one my colleague used when she received similar feedback. It made a huge difference in how her students and their parents perceived her.

One other suggestion is the Toastmasters Club. You might find it very helpful.

[Anonymous]

I am a male and I've occasionally noticed this with some women (although I've never complained about it). I think it's just a combination of high-pitched voices + using heavy resonance/vocal chords (chest voice) can sound harsh. The male equivalent might be something like Conan O'Brien -- sort of a squeaky, nasally, voice that would be super annoying outside of the context of comedy. Imagine if Conan wasn't a self-deprecating and funny and was constantly giving you orders. It would be unbearable.

Think about how "powerful men" speak. Bill Clinton and Obama had relatively soft voices. A lot of powerful men have a bit of a "laid back" quality to their speaking voice. The "unbothered" act is a big part of being credible and putting people at ease. When men actually try to sound "commanding" it actually backfires and makes them seem insecure. Sean Spicer is a good example. Both Bushes had annoying, reedy voices and it honestly made them seem wimpier. George HW Bush was constantly dogged by people calling him a "wimp," even though the guy was a WW2 fighter pilot.

Hillary Clinton was criticized for her speaking voice early in her career. People said that it was misogynist, but she really did have a reedy, slightly condescending tone. She has greatly improved her speaking voice in recent years, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Eff that ish.

[Anonymous]

Trump is an interesting case. When you watch him, he *looks* harsh and grotesque, but his voice is actually relatively soft and warm. I can't remember where, but I ready some study where people would listen to different voices in isolation and they rated Trump's speaking voice as highly charismatic.

If you don't believe me, imagine if Trump had a reedy, squeaky voice. I doubt he would have ever been elected.

[Anonymous]

Don't be too hasty in dismissing criticism as misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Forgot to mention that the one thing I’ve done is to speak more slowly. That gives me a millisecond more time to think and pace the conversation, and bizarrely, by modeling the pace of my male colleagues supposedly I sound less aggressive. I think they are all crazy but as am trying to make it work...

OP there is research out there about convergence of speech rate, how matching another person's speed and volume builds rapport and makes the speaker seem more attractive, how men talk more slowly than women, and possibly also whether men or women match other person's speech rates more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a male and I've occasionally noticed this with some women (although I've never complained about it). I think it's just a combination of high-pitched voices + using heavy resonance/vocal chords (chest voice) can sound harsh. The male equivalent might be something like Conan O'Brien -- sort of a squeaky, nasally, voice that would be super annoying outside of the context of comedy. Imagine if Conan wasn't a self-deprecating and funny and was constantly giving you orders. It would be unbearable.

Think about how "powerful men" speak. Bill Clinton and Obama had relatively soft voices. A lot of powerful men have a bit of a "laid back" quality to their speaking voice. The "unbothered" act is a big part of being credible and putting people at ease. When men actually try to sound "commanding" it actually backfires and makes them seem insecure. Sean Spicer is a good example. Both Bushes had annoying, reedy voices and it honestly made them seem wimpier. George HW Bush was constantly dogged by people calling him a "wimp," even though the guy was a WW2 fighter pilot.

Hillary Clinton was criticized for her speaking voice early in her career. People said that it was misogynist, but she really did have a reedy, slightly condescending tone. She has greatly improved her speaking voice in recent years, in my opinion.

This is good. I'm thinking of a north philly coworker and her voice and personality are horrible. I probably wouldn't judge her voice if she were likable.

[Anonymous]

I have to say tho', that vocal fry really is annoying, almost as much as misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey honey, smile for me. You'd look so much prettier if you'd smile". ugh

I hate that.