Daughter thinks she's transgender; in desperate need of counselor to help us

[Anonymous]

DD (age 13) told me she is transgender. I never saw this coming and am a total loss as to how to help. I am looking for a therapist who can figure out if this is real, or a temporary questioning phase, and can also help my daughter with her psychological struggles. I am sworn to secrecy - can't even tell my husband - so I am trying to figure this out on my own, but really need an experienced professional (preferably near Fairfax) who can guide me. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

First of all, your daughter is still who she's always been. This must be quite a shock, but I know several transgender people with very stable, healthy lives and your daughter is still likely to live a happy productive life. Give yourself some time to adjust and don't say anything you will regret (like that this is a phase). It may be a phase but you don't know yet. Just keep loving your daughter and support her as she begins to explore how to live as a transgender person in a world that still lacks understanding of these issues.

A therapist is almost always a good idea. Shawn MacDonald is a good therapist in Bethesda who is familiar with transgender issues.

[Anonymous]

Falls Church Counseling in Falls Church VA is a good resource for gender identity issues:
703-665-7000

[Anonymous]

How great that she trusts you enough to talk with you about it. I hope my kids would do the same.

[Anonymous]

When I was 13 I went through a phase like this, I hated the idea of starting my period and was anoyed that my boobs kept getting bigger. The feelings passed though, I'm now happily married and love myself.

[Anonymous]

http://childrensnational.org/gendervariance

These people are great.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for the recommendations. I am hoping this is some kind of phase, but fearful it is not. I can't concentrate at all on work - just spent most of the day reading stuff on the internet and figuring out what to do. I love my daughter unconditionally, but I am really scared right now. I hope I can find someone to talk to soon since I can't reveal this to friends or family. Thank God for anonymous discussion boards.

If anyone else has any suggested therapists or resources, I would greatly appreciate any and all ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank God

Exactly! Sounds like this household needs some Jesus and lots of prayer.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. You sound like a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank God

Exactly! Sounds like this household needs some Jesus and lots of prayer.

da fuk

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sure your head is spinning, but I hope you feel good about the fact that she felt comfortable confiding in you. It says a lot about your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Im a counselor in nova who works with Transgender people, including gender variant and gender non-conforming children.

Id like to offer a couple of suggestions:

Genderspectrum.Com is an excellent resource that focuses on children, families , school accommodations, legal, medical and related issues, etc. I attended their conference in Baltimore in November. They had a family day and would be a good resource for locating other kids and families in this area for support. Their website and staff are excellent.

Another resource for your child is thetrevorproject.org. They have a hotline and a chatline "TrevorChat" for youth ages 13-24.

Amazon has a number of good books. I recommend Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Patients, by Irwin Krieger. It's an easy quick read without a lot of fluff or padding.

Not all children who identify as Transgender, transition as adults, and Trans boys are not as marginalized as Trans girls. Having said that, all gender non-conforming kids experience some level of distress and at the very core is family acceptance. Peer reviewed studies and surveys indicate that somewhere between 30-40% of Transgender people report having attempted suicide at least once in their lives.

Early intervention, access to peer support, counseling, education, etc., goes a long way towards helping these kids and their families navigate through these issues.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Op check out PFLAG both to get the support you need and to find out how to help your daughter. And just to help get basic answers for yourself. Consider going to a meeting --it will give you a safe place to talk and some connections as you sort this out.
Good luck. You are going to come to realize this is all going to be ok. Of course it is a shock for you and will take time. But it's ok, I promise. The amazing part is that your daughter trusted you with this so early.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thanks so much for these additional recommendations. I think my first step is figuring out what this is exactly -- transgender or something else. 19:43, if you are able to put any contact information on the board (or suggest a google search that might lead me to you), you sound like someone who would be good to consult with.

I also appreciate everyone's support. This is especially hard since I'm someone who likes to talk through my problems, but I can't share this one with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Hi there,

I am the parent of a transgender teen. Yes, get the support and resources you need, but don't worry, you guys will be fine. If she is trans, she will feel soooo much better after being true to herself. My kid transitioned several years ago, and the before and after in his outlook and personality is remarkable.

DC Childrens (mentioned above) runs a monthly support group for parent and kids, it is great and really helped me when I was in your shoes. You'll meet everyone from parents like yourselves who are new to this, to old pros who go to support and help the newer parents adjust. The kids all go into another room and talk with another counselor.

Being trans is definately an unusual thing, but it has not been a bad thing for us, at all. My family and friends have been very supportive, my kid has never been bullied/harassed, is an honor student, gets along just fine with the kids at school who know and accept him, has a great group of friends - really, all is well. Thankfully, it is 2014 and people are increasingly becoming educated about this issue. We know lots of other trans kids who are doing just fine in their lives - they are happy, healthy, confident, and secure. Your kid will be fine.

If she transitions, you will go through a grieving process, missing the girl you had. That is entirely normal. But you'll get through it. It is part of the process.

And if she turns out not to identify as trans, I say very good for her for being open to explore how she feels about gender.

There are no quick answers, and as a parent sometimes you just have to go with it and let the child lead. But again, try not to worry - love your kid through it and get the right support, and things will be fine.