Don't look forward to holidays anymore
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Anonymous
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Been married for 5 years. 2 years ago SIL sent me a very angry/rude text basically saying that I was rude to MIL at a recent event, that MIL needs to enjoy her retirement and not watch our DD 2 days each week (she and my mom split the week from age 3 months to about a year), and that DH and I need to be parents and pay for daycare. DH told MIL and asked her about the childcare situation and she denied ever saying such a thing (we ended up sending DD to daycare on the two days that MIL used to watch her), apologized to me over the phone for SIL's behavior, and asked SIL to apologize to us. She never did and since then, it has been awkward each time we've seen her at family events. We say hello and then we avoid her. She reached out to DH twice and he asked her to apologize to me. She said she would but never did. MIL once called me and asked me to "put the elephant in the closet" and invite SIL to DD's first birthday. I did and again, we just ignored each other. She hasn't reached out to me, never sends cards for DD, and we only see her Easter and Thanksgiving and maybe one other random event. Rather than looking forward to these events, it is the opposite. We go out of respect for his parents and MIL acts like there is no problem, puts out all of her silver, takes a bunch of pictures for facebook and sends us all on our way until the next event. I used to always look forward to holidays growing up, and even when we first got married and it is such a shame that it is not that way anymore. Even more so for my daughter who is a toddler now but will eventually notice these dysfunctional relationships/events.
DH and his sister were never close, but at this point, he doesn't want to invite her to any event in our home. This causes tension between him and his parents because sometimes he only wants to invite them over and MIL always ask if sister is also invited. He either ends up canceling or gets angry about it and tells them no. I am a pretty direct person but DH's family just ignores problems, holds in their feelings and nothing is discussed until it is really at a boiling point, if ever. I often sense that MIL is resentful/upset about something, but she never discusses it. I've asked her on a few occasions if I've done something to upset her because I'd like to correct it and she always says no. But I feel that she contributes to the awkwardness and as the matriarch of the family, isn't bringing everyone together. I feel like everyone was on their best behavior the first 2 years of our marriage and now. Anyway, not sure what advice I am seeking. Basically, I feel that DH's family is pretty dysfunctional, doesn't know how to communicate and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want DD to think that this is normal, though I suppose she'll see my side and see that it is not. 10 days away from Thanksgiving and I am already dreading it. |
Anonymous
| This has to stop. Its ruining your holidays. Its eating at you. Just talk to her. Maybe take some anger management training first if you are afraid that you will lose your top. Of course, you have no control over how she will talk to you, but at least you are trying and talking about the elephant in the room. Each time you see her after that will get better. We do have control over our emotions. Life is too short! |
Anonymous
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OP, I see where your SIL was a pain but it sounds like your MIL has done the best she could in the situation. I'm not sure what you have against her other than she was unsuccessful in getting SIL to apologize. But she can't be held responsible for the actions of another adult. She tried and that in itself is above and beyond.
IMO, If you have problems with something your SIL did 2 years ago, you should have discussed it directly with her. The next best thing seems to be your husband speaking to her directly, which he did, and she still didn't apologize. He failed just like your MIL did. So to me it seems the only logical person to be upset with is your SIL. You all tried to resolve it. Your SIL continued to act boorishly. You can't do anything about it, so it's time to move on. I wouldn't hold the entire family accountable for the actions of one adult and hold it against them that this issue didn't get resolved. I see nothing the rest of the family is doing as dysfunctional. Mildly annoying maybe, but not dysfunctional. Should your MIL freeze family relations in time because of this? I don't think that would be the healthiest approach either. You don't have to be pals with the SIL. Just be courteous. Or else you risk alienating your daughter from grandparents and other extended family. Is it really worth that? |
Anonymous
I think I was just rambling. SIL is definitely difficult but something I've noticed this then is a trend in the family not communicating. MIL may be upset with me, or DH or may have a problem and we would never know it but just sense something is off. She can be extremely nice and generous all of a sudden and then other times cold as if there is something wrong. Maybe she is going through something herself. In my family, if there is a problem, we address it. If one of my brothers or sisters is out of line, my mom puts them in their place. She demands that we all respect each other and her and it just doesn't seem to happen in DH's family. I'm always courteous to SIL but the event is just not enjoyable when it is so awkward and when there is tension. She is on the insecure side and will end up washing dishes in the kitchen all day or sit in another room to watch a game to avoid conversation. |
Anonymous
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Be the bigger person and forgive the SIL. She fired off her mouth two years ago. For the sake of family, let it go.
I'm more interested in the daycare arrangement. Before the incident, MIL used to watch your baby 2x a week? Then after SIL, you removed your baby from her care and went into daycare? What did MIL have to say about that? |
Anonymous
| Easy. Serve a little too much alcohol to everyone at Thanksgiving. Commence "Airing of Grievances" |
Anonymous
Doesn't matter it was two years ago. OP, obviously your SIL isn't going to apologize b/c she doesn't think she did anything wrong. Whether that's true or not, it's really not a big deal. Just be friendly to her, continue to include her in family events, and move on. |
Anonymous
| Invite the SIL to go boxing? |
Anonymous
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I think there's one clear thing that needs to happen here, in terms of family boundaries.
Ideally, DH says, "Mom, we're inviting you and Dad to dinner. Please stop asking is my sister is coming. The people we want to see are you and dad, and we're not obligated to invite her every time we invite you. My relationship with sis is my business, not yours, and I'm asking you to drop it." MIL has no business trying to micromanage the relationship…AND *you* have no business thinking of her as any kind of *matriarch* who needs to fix it. Please. That's between SIL and you and DH. MIL gets to invite whomever she wishes to your home, just like you. Meanwhile, try to find a mental resting point about your SIL. Accept her for the kind of annoying person she is, the kind of person who won't apologize for interfering. And then only see her as frequently as you and DH feel necessary. If that means occasionally a holiday at home and seeing MIL and FIL separately, that's ok. But work that out with your DH, dealing with who your SIL is and drop wishing she'd be someone else. |
Anonymous
HA. Yes. +1000. Then report back to us. |
Anonymous
OP here- I can let it go, but it is hard to find a way to connect again so that when we see each other we can drink wine and gossip like we used too. I don't know anything about her life anymore, haven't been to her new house (she is single) and also DH will have to let it go too or else it will still be awkward. As far as the daycare, we didn't immediately switch but I started putting our name on waiting lists and about 3 months later a spot opened up and we made the switch with the excuse that she needed to be around other kids. MIL said nothing and I will never know how she truly felt, which is another problem. DH communicated the news though I did thank her for making it easier for me to go back to work knowing that the first year of DD's life was spent with two grandmas. As a result though, she now doesn't regularly spend time with DD because she doesn't reach out to make plans, invite us over (unless for family event or holiday) and it is tougher to make plans on the weekends on a regular basis. |
Anonymous
It's very presumptuous to walk up to someone and say "I forgive you" when they believe they've done nothing wrong. OP, I think your husband is right in not wanting his SIL around. If MIL/FIL are going to pout about it then they can just deal. Seems like you guys are doing the best you can. But know that you're not required to spend every holiday with family. Maybe the next holiday you could take a trip with just your DH and kid(s). That will create special family memories for you, with less stress. |
Anonymous
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"MIL has no business trying to micromanage the relationship…AND *you* have no business thinking of her as any kind of *matriarch* who needs to fix it. Please. That's between SIL and you and DH. MIL gets to invite whomever she wishes to your home, just like you."
This. "Matriarch"??!! Is she the Queen Mum? Wow. This has to stop. I understand respect you reliers and all, but really? I would let the past go, and accept that you are not going to be buddies with the SIL, who probably laid it on thick due to some sort of jealousy. She was probably trying to speak up for MIL, and overdid it. Now you know: never, ever mix business (childcare, whatever) - with family! ITA you should see MIL/FIL without SIL. SIL is not your keeper. |
Anonymous
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That sounds like my family. Under communicate and avoiding conflict resolution. We act civilized because our parents wants to see it. Parents always want to make it it seem like we are all perfect, when they know we're not. If the parents must know, let them know in advance and say if I stomp out or start yelling, it's not your (parents) fault.
But, don't think it's all your SIL at fault. There's always two interpretation of a situation. A lot of us think we have no problems, nearly perfect, the other one is always a fault. |
Anonymous
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I don't agree with being nice to anyone because they are old.
Some old people are real SOBs. |