Don't look forward to holidays anymore

[Anonymous]

My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with being nice to anyone because they are old.

Some old people are real SOBs.

More than some, I'd say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

at least they will be in the same room. dh's parents will not. so that means 2 of everything. it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

at least they will be in the same room. dh's parents will not. so that means 2 of everything. it's exhausting.

Two of everything. Ugh. We did that for a few years. It reached a point where we spent more time in the car shuttling from one end of the state to the other than actually enjoying the holiday. Somehow the in-laws worked out a detente after the first grandchild arrived. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

You're not "acting" that there is no problem. You're not pretending or being fake. You're being polite and inclusive and leaving opportunity for things to improve. You should continue to do that. The rest is up to her. You shouldn't be dreading events that SHE makes awkward. That is on her.

(This is kind of a pep talk for myself too, as I have a similar family relationship, and I understand how you feel.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

at least they will be in the same room. dh's parents will not. so that means 2 of everything. it's exhausting.

Two of everything. Ugh. We did that for a few years. It reached a point where we spent more time in the car shuttling from one end of the state to the other than actually enjoying the holiday. Somehow the in-laws worked out a detente after the first grandchild arrived. I feel for you.

i have to admit that it could be a lot worse, since the in laws live 10 min away from each other. but it's still tiring. and seems sillier when they are so close. i've already told dh i will NOT be doing 2 bday parties, holidays etc when we have a child. 1 bday party. if you can't deal with it, don't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

at least they will be in the same room. dh's parents will not. so that means 2 of everything. it's exhausting.

Two of everything. Ugh. We did that for a few years. It reached a point where we spent more time in the car shuttling from one end of the state to the other than actually enjoying the holiday. Somehow the in-laws worked out a detente after the first grandchild arrived. I feel for you.

i have to admit that it could be a lot worse, since the in laws live 10 min away from each other. but it's still tiring. and seems sillier when they are so close. i've already told dh i will NOT be doing 2 bday parties, holidays etc when we have a child. 1 bday party. if you can't deal with it, don't come.

Exactly. Don't let them make their problem your and your child's problem. Work it out or stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not "acting" that there is no problem. You're not pretending or being fake. You're being polite and inclusive and leaving opportunity for things to improve. You should continue to do that. The rest is up to her. You shouldn't be dreading events that SHE makes awkward. That is on her.

(This is kind of a pep talk for myself too, as I have a similar family relationship, and I understand how you feel.)

Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't read the other responses.

Here are my thoughts:

MIL could be lying (to save face) about not being upset about watching your child 2 days a week. If she is the kind of person who likes to pretend everything is okay, then of course she's not going to tell you even though it might be a horrible inconvenience for her to babysit your child for 2 days a week.

It's likely she did say something to SIL, and SIL, knowing MIL wasn't going to do anything about it, decided to tell you.

I don't think SIL owes you an apology. But if you keep making that an issue, then no wonder she ignores you. She expressed her opinion -- that she thought you were taking advantage of her mother for childcare. And likely, it's true that MIL didn't want to do it and perhaps was relieved when you switched to daycare. That's why she just brushes it under the rug -- because she got what she wanted without having to do the confrontation herself.

It actually doesn't really sound like MIL or SIL have done anything particularly bad to you. You just aren't close. I don't really see the extreme dysfunction. You can't pick your family members, so if family members just aren't best buds, the best thing to do is just be cordial. What bad thing is your child going to learn?

I have some inlaws I don't particularly like. I'm cordial with them, but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I'd rather our relationship be cold and distant (perhaps what you call "ignoring" each other) than fake and forced.

[Anonymous]

17:48 here. I also think the matriarch concept is kind of ridiculous. Your husband and his sister are adults. It's not MIL's responsibility to make everyone get along. In fact, it's better if she doesn't interfere and try to manage the relationships and lives of her children.

[Anonymous]

The elders in the family set the tone of how things go - whether you like the word matriarch or not. She can find ways to bring everyone together, suggest a fun event or rent a beach house for a week. Many families have parents or elders who plan for ways to bring people together. Others choose to sulk at the fact that no one gets along and just make plans separately with everyone or not at all. When the children are not raised to value relationships and togetherness, they don't make it a priority. You have to set an example and that is the responsibility of the elders/matriarch/patriarch whatever you want to call it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

Wait -- are you spending time with my in-laws? I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years and I know nothing about his family as nothing goes beyond the superficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

Wait -- are you spending time with my in-laws? I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years and I know nothing about his family as nothing goes beyond the superficial.

Doesn't this depress you and make you feel sorry for your kids that have to be around this dysfunction? It is such a bad example of how to behave and it also makes for awful holidays. I used to love Thanksgiving. I have been dreading it for the past 3 weeks. I'm so envious of those that are excited and have great plans. I will go for 3-4 hours, make superficial conversation, compliment MIL on her costco food selections and her lated home goods purchase, and chase my 2 year old who should be napping at 2pm rather than eating a Thanksgiving meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and DW's siblings never have any conversation that goes beyond pleasantries and the superficial at family gatherings. The mother and father are divorced and the siblings, who have reduced themselves to over-aged teenagers around their parents, do everything to avoid conflict. At the end of the day, they really don't like each other. At first I thought it was odd (and it is) but now I just sit through the holiday or family event, drink wine, and be grateful I can mind my own business until I get to go home.

Wait -- are you spending time with my in-laws? I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years and I know nothing about his family as nothing goes beyond the superficial.

Doesn't this depress you and make you feel sorry for your kids that have to be around this dysfunction? It is such a bad example of how to behave and it also makes for awful holidays. I used to love Thanksgiving. I have been dreading it for the past 3 weeks. I'm so envious of those that are excited and have great plans. I will go for 3-4 hours, make superficial conversation, compliment MIL on her costco food selections and her lated home goods purchase, and chase my 2 year old who should be napping at 2pm rather than eating a Thanksgiving meal.

Wow, you just nailed that one. Some pleasantries, a fair amount of wine, and a good effort to choke down my MIL's foul side dishes. My biggest focus is on wondering how much of a meltdown my kids will have later after staying up way too late because the host is three hours late with dinner. January can't come soon enough. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Serve a little too much alcohol to everyone at Thanksgiving. Commence "Airing of Grievances"

Love this!