When parents hold money over your head

[Anonymous]

Years ago I made the grave mistake of accepting a monetary gift from my parents for the purchase of a condo. In recent years, they have taken to bringing up their generosity when I won't do their bidding, or, in anger declaring that I would have nothing without them. How would you nip this in the bud and remind them they gave me things as gifts. Using your previous generosity and willingness to help out your child as a weapon is just gross. To this day they continue offering to cover the costs of things especially for DC but DH and I know better now. They can be very difficult to deal with and I often think they try to use money as a way to get us to take their crap.

[Anonymous]

Can you return the money?

[Anonymous]

I would start repaying them some money every month until the debt is paid in full.

I would also ask them outright "Did you intend for this to be a gift, or a loan? We're beyond thankful for what you've done, but I feel manipulated when you use it as a bargaining chip."

[Anonymous]

Starting paying them back and never take money from them again. Tell them why.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Should have mentioned I tried that. They refuse to take it. I think it is worth more to them as a bargaining chip. I can write them a check tomorrow but again, they won't take it and see it as an act of hostility that ruins their view of us as a close knit family. My father sees it as a source of pride but when he loses it in an argument then he whips out the you are nothing without me nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Don't take any more money from them. When the bring up the previous money, say, "Well, dad, as I said before, I am very grateful for that gift, but it has nothing to do with what we are discussing now. If you are going to bring it up every time we disagree about something, I am going to need to pay you back."

[Anonymous]

Tell them. "I have offered to repay you with interest and you refuse. I am offering for the last time. If you do not accept, then all you want is to use this to blackmail me and I am tired of it. If you ever bring this up again, I will sever all contact with you."

This is what we did and it worked
They refused to take a check.

[Anonymous]

It's tempting to ask your parents for money. Mine were honest and asked more questions/had more conditions than the bank. That was wise. I am really glad I never got into that . It made me stronger and stable quicker.

[Anonymous]

Tell them. "I have offered to repay you with interest and you refuse. I am offering for the last time. If you do not accept, then all you want is to use this to blackmail me and I am tired of it. If you ever bring this up again, I will sever all contact with you."

This is what we did and it worked
They refused to take a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them. "I have offered to repay you with interest and you refuse. I am offering for the last time. If you do not accept, then all you want is to use this to blackmail me and I am tired of it. If you ever bring this up again, I will sever all contact with you."

This is what we did and it worked
They refused to take a check.

This. You're going to have to go hard core with them. When you say this, you will then need to walk out of the room or tell them you are hanging up. Seeing you walk away/hang up right after you say you will do is a connection they need to have made. It's not something you say at the dinner table and then ask them to pass the salt. Show them what it will look and feel like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them. "I have offered to repay you with interest and you refuse. I am offering for the last time. If you do not accept, then all you want is to use this to blackmail me and I am tired of it. If you ever bring this up again, I will sever all contact with you."

This is what we did and it worked
They refused to take a check.

Next time he says the equivalent of "You're nothing without me," you need to respond that he was very helpful, just like a mortgage company, but the fact that you took a loan from him doesn't give him any more say in your current life than the bank that holds your current mortgage. If he wants his money back, he can have it, but whether he does or not, it still won't change his opinion to anything more than hurtful words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you return the money?

+1000

[Anonymous]

When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation. My parents like to give big gifts but there are no strings, but that's the exception and not the norm. I think PP's line of "I appreciate your prior generosity, but that has nothing to do with what we're discussing now" and then end the conversation if he tries to keep going down the "you're nothing" trail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.