When parents hold money over your head

[Anonymous]

I have similar IL.They used to help with money when we really needed it.It was a lot of manipulation.But we realized the circumstances and just sucked it.Now we are not in need anymore and they don't call us much lol New victim is BIL .I wish they had more involvement in our lives without need of monetary help but they can't do it differently.Thats how their parents was and etc.Some people need to feel power and control and money is the easiest way to do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them. "I have offered to repay you with interest and you refuse. I am offering for the last time. If you do not accept, then all you want is to use this to blackmail me and I am tired of it. If you ever bring this up again, I will sever all contact with you."

This is what we did and it worked
They refused to take a check.

+1. The parents who refuse to take money are usually the ones who can't bear being cut off.

[Anonymous]

Ohh my goodness OP, DH and I could have typed this word for word. What is wrong with people? My in-laws brought up the gifts and favors they had given us as a bargaining chip for 3 whole years until I had enough. I personally took care of it because my husband was not willing to and since then, I do not accept or ask for any favors from them. I remember one afternoon my father in-law was lecturing me like a little girl for not involving him with house purchase... he went on and on to say how he lend us his car when ours was in the shop, how he dropped and picked me from work, OY! I told him he shouldn't be using his favors as a weapon and from there henceforth my husband and I would do ok without his help if he continued. Since then, My in-laws have never brought up "we did this for you, so you must do this" but even with that, I still will not accept their help. I hire outside help if I have to (DH has been bedridden due to an injury).

Now more than ever we manage our finances very well, if we had an emergency we are sure that would be covered by our emergency fund and if not, I would rather borrow loan from the bank or my friends. Since I stopped accepting their help, I can tell you we feel free. We are not guilt tripped to host 30 in-laws of in-laws just because, we have them visit when its convenient for us not the other way, We are no longer forced to attend functions for people we don't even know, we don't have to involve them in decision making... wow the freedom. Start laying your own rules OP and be ready to burn out in the beginning esp. if they have been helping a lot. Be ready to crash with them in the beginning but in the end, they will love and appreciate the new independent you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

+1. My parents also give with no strings attached. They also have the attitude that their money is also my money, because it will eventually be mine one day anyway. They just mention that they hope the money will go toward their grandkids' education, which is where all of it has been going.

[Anonymous]

Do you know where your parents bank? Can you get a copy of their account number? (It might be on something like a check for DC's birthday.) Deposit the money directly in their bank, by writing the check to them and filling out a blank deposit slip with their name and account number on it. Sign the back for them if you have to. You could also wire it directly to the account.

Then tell them that you did it. Thank them profusely for the loan. If they bring it up again, say "I paid that back" and "Don't worry, it will never happen again."

[Anonymous]

Write the check and leave it on the counter. If they don't cash it, be done with them. Let them know that and stick by it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

Just because you get along, doesn't mean there aren't strings attached. You are reciprocating in other ways or will be expected to do so in the future. It may not be for your parents themselves, but for your siblings or their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

+1. My parents also give with no strings attached. They also have the attitude that their money is also my money, because it will eventually be mine one day anyway. They just mention that they hope the money will go toward their grandkids' education, which is where all of it has been going.

So "no strings" but in one case the parents ask for there to be a bedroom on the ground floor (for them to use) and the other "hopes" it will be used towards their grandchildren's education. The giving party always has opinions they voice to the giver on how they want the money spent. It's only a matter of degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

+1. My parents also give with no strings attached. They also have the attitude that their money is also my money, because it will eventually be mine one day anyway. They just mention that they hope the money will go toward their grandkids' education, which is where all of it has been going.

+2. Guess it depends on the type of people. No strings at all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

+1. My parents also give with no strings attached. They also have the attitude that their money is also my money, because it will eventually be mine one day anyway. They just mention that they hope the money will go toward their grandkids' education, which is where all of it has been going.

So "no strings" but in one case the parents ask for there to be a bedroom on the ground floor (for them to use) and the other "hopes" it will be used towards their grandchildren's education. The giving party always has opinions they voice to the giver on how they want the money spent. It's only a matter of degrees.

Nothing like that from our parents. They gave to kid's 529 and moved into assisted living. They're gone now and we only have good memories of their generosity.

[Anonymous]

Keep a check on you at all times . Whip it out, start writing the full amount plus interest and give it to them without saying a word the next time

[Anonymous]

Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

Very good perspective to look at it. It is however easier said than done. You give an inch every time before you know it it's an acre. Good perspective though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep a check on you at all times . Whip it out, start writing the full amount plus interest and give it to them without saying a word the next time

Yup, just keep it in your wallet.

[Anonymous]

Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

I am anti-severing ties as well, and don't think that what the parents are doing here (though inappropriate) warrants it. I wouldn't just let it go either, though. I would tell them once that you are happy to repay them, but if they don't want to take the money, you can't tolerate them bringing it up all them time. Then, if they keep bringing it up, be calm, but say something along the lines of, "Dad, as I told you, I'm not going to discuss this with you any more" and get up and leave the room.