When parents hold money over your head

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you accept money from any person in your life (not an anonymous giver) there are always strings attached.

Depends on the lenders. My parents have given us money with no strings attached. My parents decided at a certain point (when they were around 70) that they had more than enough money to live on and that their money would go to the kids and grandkids anyways after they passed, so they started giving us money in amounts under the gift amount annually as they could afford. Some years we got the maximum and some years we got none. But they figured that the money would go to us when they died and this would decrease the amount that we would have to pay estate tax on. But when we get the gifts, the only restriction they've ever asked for is when we bought our current house that we have at least one bedroom on the ground floor because my father can't handle steps anymore. That was easy enough to ensure.

+1. My parents also give with no strings attached. They also have the attitude that their money is also my money, because it will eventually be mine one day anyway. They just mention that they hope the money will go toward their grandkids' education, which is where all of it has been going.

So "no strings" but in one case the parents ask for there to be a bedroom on the ground floor (for them to use) and the other "hopes" it will be used towards their grandchildren's education. The giving party always has opinions they voice to the giver on how they want the money spent. It's only a matter of degrees.

Nothing like that from our parents. They gave to kid's 529 and moved into assisted living. They're gone now and we only have good memories of their generosity.

I'm the first PP. They gave the money with no strings. Later when we purchased a new house, they asked but had we not had a first floor guest room, they wouldn't complain or hold it over our heads. There would have been no recriminations. My parents don't do that. In fact, my mother-in-law also has hip problems and likes the first floor bedroom. We had one time when all three of them came and my father proudly proclaimed that he could stay in the upstairs guest room and let my mother-in-law stay downstairs. It was a request, not a request with strings, but a request. He would have accepted whatever we had done, whatever house we had bought without complaints and no reference to the money that they had gifted to me.

While you may have parents who have ulterior motives or who make requests with strings. In my parents case, they had a logistical problem since my father is not very mobile and sometimes uses a wheelchair and we understood and accommodated because I love my parents. Not because they put strings on gifts past.

In our case, we like all of our parents and want to encourage them to visit, not discourage them, so this was a request we were happy to accommodate.

[Anonymous]

You don't sever contact over annoying habits. (Thank goodness, or my husband would leave me.)

Offer again. If they say no, the next time they try to bring it up, say, "I offered to pay you back. Did you say no because you wanted leverage? That's not going to work."

I would be tempted to make a joke out of it: "Oh, sorry, I ate the last one. And after you lent me money for a condo, too!"

"Oh, sorry, were you sitting here? I didn't know. And hey, thanks for lending me money for the condo!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sever contact over annoying habits. (Thank goodness, or my husband would leave me.)

Offer again. If they say no, the next time they try to bring it up, say, "I offered to pay you back. Did you say no because you wanted leverage? That's not going to work."

I would be tempted to make a joke out of it: "Oh, sorry, I ate the last one. And after you lent me money for a condo, too!"

"Oh, sorry, were you sitting here? I didn't know. And hey, thanks for lending me money for the condo!"[/quote]

That's pretty rude. I wouldn't talk to my in-laws like that, no matter how annoying.

[Anonymous]

Return the money.

OP, you asked. That is the answer.
You won't like the answer, but that doesn't change
that it is the answer.

[Anonymous]

You hand them a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

Manipulating and berating your adult children is pretty sick. Telling an adult child (or any child), "you're nothing without me" is pretty fucked up. They need to be told that the manipulation ends now and OP won't hear of it again. She doesn't have to sever contact but she needs to let them know their continued manipulation is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Then, and only then, can they all attempt to have a mutually respectful adult relationship.

[Anonymous]

My parents in law are like this. Very very extremely like this. It has lead to my husband and I moving to a different country and not wanting anything to do with them. I have taken to keeping their money, because it WAS a gift and just moving on. I don't talk to them anymore, I don't take anything else from them anymore and I have stated on several occasions very clearly what I think about their tactics. They have now shut up about it as they finally realized that I am not one to be pushed around. You giving me a gift does not obligate me to do whatever the freak you want me to do. My life. My decisions. Your money, your decision to gift it to me. That's that. I am glad my husband is on the same page and has started to move on as well. I don't regret taking the money as we were in desperate need of help at the time. Don't regret or feel bad about the way I handle them now either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just love them for who they are: imperfect human beings. Yes, it's annoying and you shouldn't have to hear it every time they get worked up, but give an inch. Just deal with it.

I can't stand it when people talk about severing relationships over something like this. I understand severing ties over abuse, etc. But this sounds like some people who love you very much, and they just don't know how to deal with conflict in an appropriate way.

Life's to short to be angry with everyone. Let it go.

It's emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

How much money is it, OP? Will it hurt you to return it? I would just deposit it the way a PP suggested. Highly doubt they would force you to take it back.

[Anonymous]

Grown ups don't borrow or accept cash gifts from their parents. If you do this, you are a child and you have to do what your parents say.

If you haven't paid it back, then you are a child.

[Anonymous]

Keep the money and don't threaten severing ties. If they say you are nothing without them again explain how that feels to you and ask if they would like to go to some family counseling with you to work out whatever the issue is. Older people get vulnerable so be compassionate but put your foot down on any manipulative abusive comments. Do not return the money. It is an affront and more drama that you don't need.

[Anonymous]

You are nothing without your parents just like the rest of us. If it wasn't for them we would not be alive. They gave us life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years ago I made the grave mistake of accepting a monetary gift from my parents for the purchase of a condo. In recent years, they have taken to bringing up their generosity when I won't do their bidding, or, in anger declaring that I would have nothing without them. How would you nip this in the bud and remind them they gave me things as gifts. Using your previous generosity and willingness to help out your child as a weapon is just gross. To this day they continue offering to cover the costs of things especially for DC but DH and I know better now. They can be very difficult to deal with and I often think they try to use money as a way to get us to take their crap.

Pay them back, slacker.

I borrowed $20K from my parents and gave them back when I sold my first home.

It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents in law are like this. Very very extremely like this. It has lead to my husband and I moving to a different country and not wanting anything to do with them. I have taken to keeping their money, because it WAS a gift and just moving on. I don't talk to them anymore, I don't take anything else from them anymore and I have stated on several occasions very clearly what I think about their tactics. They have now shut up about it as they finally realized that I am not one to be pushed around. You giving me a gift does not obligate me to do whatever the freak you want me to do. My life. My decisions. Your money, your decision to gift it to me. That's that. I am glad my husband is on the same page and has started to move on as well. I don't regret taking the money as we were in desperate need of help at the time. Don't regret or feel bad about the way I handle them now either.

Your problem is clearly much larger than money.

extreme measures must run in the family