Despairing about my marriage

[Anonymous]

Married 2+ years, dated for 4 before that. 18 month old. Sleep deprived, exhausted. Fighting over everything. DH and I are so, so distant. He doesn't want sex or closeness. We don't share the same values. He can be really great with the baby at times, but he gets really angry and loses patience that the baby is in a "mama, mama" stage: says terrible things like don't be a mama's boy or stop being a crybaby. It's shocking and it makes me lose respect for him. We fight over everything. We have nothing in common anymore except the baby, and on him we seem to disagree more and more about patenting fundamentals. He won't go to counseling.

I don't want to give up on our family already but I am so, so miserable and really tired of trying and hitting a brick wall. I've written before here. Just shouting out my desperate loneliness and despair in a dark anonymous corner of the world.

[Anonymous]

You've brought up therapy one time or five times?

[Anonymous]

If you have a pastor or someone he trusts, you need to ask for couples counseling.

I would also tell him that you hope he will agree to see someone together.

see what he says.

[Anonymous]

Aww honey. It's a really hard time in a marriage. It is really hard when the baby is in a mommy phase. Perhaps that is hurting your husband's feelings more than he lets on? Or he may just be feeling bad about himself and counterproductively flailing. Does he seem depressed?

It sounds like both of you need a break-- from the kid and from each other. You are flailing and struggling and you need a breather to gather your thoughts. Can you carve out a set weekly time for each of you to get a break? For example, in our house I get Saturday mornings (DH takes DC grocery shopping) and DH gets Sunday mornings. It's a little oasis for each of us. Cut out some obligations from your life, if you can, and focus on getting enough rest.

I would encourage you to hang in there. Little kids are tough on a marriage, especially if you haven't been married long, but you can ride it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww honey. It's a really hard time in a marriage. It is really hard when the baby is in a mommy phase. Perhaps that is hurting your husband's feelings more than he lets on? Or he may just be feeling bad about himself and counterproductively flailing. Does he seem depressed?

It sounds like both of you need a break-- from the kid and from each other. You are flailing and struggling and you need a breather to gather your thoughts. Can you carve out a set weekly time for each of you to get a break? For example, in our house I get Saturday mornings (DH takes DC grocery shopping) and DH gets Sunday mornings. It's a little oasis for each of us. Cut out some obligations from your life, if you can, and focus on getting enough rest.

I would encourage you to hang in there. Little kids are tough on a marriage, especially if you haven't been married long, but you can ride it out.

I think this is wise advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aww honey. It's a really hard time in a marriage. It is really hard when the baby is in a mommy phase. Perhaps that is hurting your husband's feelings more than he lets on? Or he may just be feeling bad about himself and counterproductively flailing. Does he seem depressed?

It sounds like both of you need a break-- from the kid and from each other. You are flailing and struggling and you need a breather to gather your thoughts. Can you carve out a set weekly time for each of you to get a break? For example, in our house I get Saturday mornings (DH takes DC grocery shopping) and DH gets Sunday mornings. It's a little oasis for each of us. Cut out some obligations from your life, if you can, and focus on getting enough rest.

I would encourage you to hang in there. Little kids are tough on a marriage, especially if you haven't been married long, but you can ride it out.

I think this is wise advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aww honey. It's a really hard time in a marriage. It is really hard when the baby is in a mommy phase. Perhaps that is hurting your husband's feelings more than he lets on? Or he may just be feeling bad about himself and counterproductively flailing. Does he seem depressed?

It sounds like both of you need a break-- from the kid and from each other. You are flailing and struggling and you need a breather to gather your thoughts. Can you carve out a set weekly time for each of you to get a break? For example, in our house I get Saturday mornings (DH takes DC grocery shopping) and DH gets Sunday mornings. It's a little oasis for each of us. Cut out some obligations from your life, if you can, and focus on getting enough rest.

I would encourage you to hang in there. Little kids are tough on a marriage, especially if you haven't been married long, but you can ride it out.

I think this is wise advice.

I would agree except for the things DH is saying to the baby "Dont be a cry baby, dont be a mama's boy". That is very troublling, OP.

As a person who is in a very difficult marital situation and has been for some time, I have to tell you upfront the biggest challenge is figuring out what is a character flaw or defect, and what is a person under duress. When an adult expresses contempt for an infant like that, its really important to distinguish between the two. I understand your concern for losing respect, because your instinct is telling you that right there is a sign of something very wrong. I would be inclined to advice so not dismiss your instinct, but also to give DH benefit of the doubt to explain those moments to you. In other words, provide a moment where you show DH you just want to know what he is feeling to explain those moments to you.

THIS IS HARD.

We probably need more information to go on here. Especially I would want more info about your perceptions of your husband spanning the duration of time you have experienced together.

Honey, life is way harder than I thought it would be. It doesnt mean something is necessarily terribly wrong either. You need to proceed with best available info.

Tell us more.

[Anonymous]

the things DH is saying to the baby "Dont be a cry baby, dont be a mama's boy". That is very troublling, OP.

+1

I agree with another that this is a hard time in any marriage and you should have patience, but if you want to go to counseling together and he refuses, I think you don't have many choices.

[Anonymous]

In 4 years of dating, there were no signs he was a misogynist?

[Anonymous]

It's ok,I mean not really ok, but baby is too young to understand what dad is saying. Keep gently teaching him that kids need their moms, they go through phases, and the more their needs are met, the more independent they become later.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry you are feeling this way OP.

Do you have anyone in your life, besides us...that you can confide in? A close family member? A best friend? A clergy member? Etc.?

Because to feel the way you are right now, you really need a support system in order to give you a healthy outlet to use as a sounding board as well as lean on when things seem so overwhelming.

Anyway, regarding your husband if talking to him about this as well as suggesting counseling hasn't gotten you anywhere than I see no other option in front of you besides going at this alone.

While not the most attractive option, it is either that or sticking it out w/him + accepting the status quo.

Life is not easy sometimes and sometimes you find yourself at a crossroad such as now. Ultimately it is up to you to decide what direction you want your life to go in and keep in mind one important thing as you do so OP.

It is now no longer only you on this journey. You now have a companion who's needs surpass your own.

Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry you are feeling this way OP.

Do you have anyone in your life, besides us...that you can confide in? A close family member? A best friend? A clergy member? Etc.?

Because to feel the way you are right now, you really need a support system in order to give you a healthy outlet to use as a sounding board as well as lean on when things seem so overwhelming.

Anyway, regarding your husband if talking to him about this as well as suggesting counseling hasn't gotten you anywhere than I see no other option in front of you besides going at this alone.

While not the most attractive option, it is either that or sticking it out w/him + accepting the status quo.

Life is not easy sometimes and sometimes you find yourself at a crossroad such as now. Ultimately it is up to you to decide what direction you want your life to go in and keep in mind one important thing as you do so OP.

It is now no longer only you on this journey. You now have a companion who's needs surpass your own.

Good luck to you both.

OP here. Thanks for the really kind reply. I don't actually have a really close friend right now. I find it so hard to maintain friendships in the long run, and so much harder now with working and having a toddler. There's just no time. I'm so exhausted. I do see a therapist once every couple of weeks, but I don't think it's helping all that much. I'm very lonely.

My child's needs are paramount to me here. It's what makes everything so much more high stakes. Someone above asked if DH ever exhibited misogynistic behavior before we had kids. I did have a few red flags when we were dating -- not least of which was that he was a Howard Stern fan, which was sort of unfathomable to me -- but it would be very, very rare passing kind of things, and often were things he was open to my feedback/concerns about....comments that he would not realize were actually sexist, and if I pointed it out to him, he'd usually be pretty receptive and not make those comments again. Now, when I express my dismay at things like this, he digs in his heels and defends them and defends his right to say them. And I end up saying unhelpful things like, "You have a right to be as much of a douchebag as you want but you ought to know it makes me respect you less and less each time." And it's true.

If we didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't even notice it so much--which I know doesn't reflect all that well on me, but now that we're raising a son together, these things seem exponentially more significant. I feel so responsible to raise a child who is sensitive and caring and strong and NOT sexist, racist, etc....that passing remarks or off-color jokes that used to make me raise my eyebrows or sigh with annoyance now scream YOU PICKED A TERRIBLE FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD. And when I think of divorcing him I think, do I really want my child to be in a home alone with this man for 50% of the time without my mediating influence? Without me at least pointing out that what his dad just said is totally uncool and hurtful?

To be honest, it's like I'm just waking up from this stupid drunken honeymoon phase where I honestly thought that having me in his life was making my husband more of a better person. (And I'm not stupid; I know you really can't change people unless they want to be changed...and yet somehow I convinced myself that that's what was happening.) And now I realize that I fell in love with the person I had convinced myself I could influence my husband to be rather than who he really is. And who he really is, is more of a jerk than I ever let myself see. I feel like the world's biggest idiot. I do still love him very much, but I like him less and less. And that makes me feel bad all around.

I'm also aware that I'm really depressed, and I know that depression-colored glasses aren't the most helpful way to see the world. I guess it's that that I have to work on first, then reassess. Thanks for listening and for the kind response.

[Anonymous]

OP-- I am going through something similar with my husband, also with a baby. I often feel angry with myself because I feel I completely picked the wrong person to have a baby with. I love my daughter so much but am grieving what seems to be a bad life decision. I don't have advice for you, but want you to know you're not alone...

[Anonymous]

Hang on. Telling an 18 month old to knock off the crying isnt abuse. It might be frustration that you are so enmeshed in your child that you have forgotten your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. Telling an 18 month old to knock off the crying isnt abuse. It might be frustration that you are so enmeshed in your child that you have forgotten your marriage.

It's the DH that doesn't want sex or closeness and refuses counseling.