Issue with DH
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Anonymous
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DH and I often have a talk that results into nothing. It's always about the same things. It's always about me that not putting enough effort to change or improve myself. It's always the same excuses I give every time. I suggested we see marriage counsellor because things aren't resolved between us but DH doesn't think it is necessary as we can talk calmly. I personally don't think the issue between us is going to be resolved any time soon. Should I just see an counsellor myself? Will that help?
The problem is I don't communicate and express my thoughts well (pardon me, English is not my first language). I sometimes say "I don't want to talk about it" if I don't feel like talking over something or I foresee it is not going to end good. DH said I keep a secret from him. He thinks that there is nothing that we cannot talk about in the family. He asks "How do you feel if our daughter say that to you?". Then he pressures me to answer him when I can talk about it. I have to give him a timeline. But it is not good either because he said I will not talk about it again x hours later, I will just do my personal stuff and avoiding the issue. The other problem is I see and do things way different than DH. DH is micro detailed person. He pays attention to little detail like curtain is not completely closed and some sunlight get in early morning waking him up. When I close the curtain in the our room, I don't do a good job to completely cover all. It is annoying to him to fix it. He goes into even more detail than that. We have body wash, shampoo, conditioner (lined up in this order) and if I use the conditioner and put it back in the wrong order or a foot away from the others, it's not good enough too. There are things I do that is not up to his standard and he has to re-do it. He said it is a waste of time for him and why can't I just do it right the first time. The way I see it is we are different, function differently. I am fine with the way he is, who he is. If I don't like something about him, I will try to find a way around it first and if it doesn't work then I tell him that I don't like abc and if he can do xyz. There aren't too many and when I asked him, he does change it over time. Things that he asked me to change, I try but it is a hit and miss. It takes too long to change. This is another reason he said I don't make effort to improve. And because he can do it, any reason I give him is an excuse for me to not improving. I agree he is much better than me. I guess you get the idea. I am not looking to point out who is wrong or right. I just feel like we don't hear each other and things just go in circle and not resolved. Every time we have a talk, his logic is unbreakable. I feel like he pressure me to agree that he is right therefore things should be done that way. I agree too but I don't get it done as he expected. My brain just doesn't work the same way. I need help to find a way to work with DH better to solve our issues. Sorry about the long post and my English. If anything is not clear, I will try to clarify it. Thank you for any response. |
Anonymous
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Whoa. From your post it sounds like DH is very controlling. And it sounds like he's making the issues all about you.
He sounds frightening, OP. Are you ok? |
Anonymous
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OP, what on earth are you and he talking about?
What needs that much talking? |
Anonymous
| ^ ok I answered my own question by rereading your post - drapes, shampoo bottles. Yeah, this is weird, op. I'm sorry. |
Anonymous
| I agree with PP, he sounds very controlling. He may not get violent physically, but he is controlling you in a very unhealthy way. Of course he doesn't want to see a counselor, he'd be told 20 minutes into the session that the way he treats you is not what a marriage is about. |
Anonymous
| So sorry OP, he sounds like the husband from the movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. Majorly controlling. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like a perfectionist, or that he has OCD. I think you both could benefit from therapy. |
Anonymous
| If you have conversations about what order the shampoo bottles go in, that's nuts. He has a real control problem. |
Anonymous
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Firstly, if you want to go to therapy, go. Make sure you go to someone who speaks your native language. It will make a HUGE difference.
Secondly, here's how being anal and being married to someone NOT anal works: if it's important to you, you do it. If he wants the body wash in front of the shampoo, he needs to put it there. Just like you have to turn on the water and wait for it to be the right temp, you have to line up your bottles in the order you want. Your DH needs to unclench. He doesn't live alone. He needs to accept that when two people share space, they use it differently. |
Anonymous
| Are you a mail-order bride? |
Anonymous
| He sounds like a narcissist. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for all the response.
We didn't have many issues as I record until recently ( within a year). It may bottle up until now. Well, the examples I am giving here are what he told me but the underline issue is that he think I don't make effort to be a better person. And he thinks his way makes more sense most of the time and why I am not followed since I don't propose a better way. Although I agree some of his ways are more efficient but it just doesn't work with me and he never understands it. He said that he can't change me, only if I want to change myself. I feel like we are going into a circle every time we talk and I am very tired of repeating it because it just makes him angrier when we keeps repeating the same response. I can see this kind of talk is going to happen again with the same result. I need to find another way to deal with it but I don't know how. DH admits he is perfectionist though. I feel like being trapped when we have a talk. He will question me the way that a normal person would say yes because it doesn't make sense to say no. Before I know it, it leads to the answer or agreement that he is right. Other than saying my brain doesn't work the same ways as his and that I am different than him, I don't know what else to say. It is very frustrated. 
To PP@12:25, I am not mail-order bride. Not sure what you are talking about. |
Anonymous
| He is gas-lighting you. Go to a therapist on your own. |
Anonymous
+1000. At minimum, he has serious control and OCD issues. |
Anonymous
Agree. What a complete Pain In The Ass. OP, there is NOTHING wrong with you but there certainly is with your DH who has to have shampoo, conditioner, body wash in a certain order and gives you grief about the way you close curtains. WTF!?! The only reason you should get therapy is to deal with your husband's issues. |