Issue with DH

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Did you really have a conversation about bottle order in the shower??

[Anonymous]

What is gas lighting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is gas lighting?

This is what makes me think OP is being gaslighted:
"I feel like being trapped when we have a talk. He will question me the way that a normal person would say yes because it doesn't make sense to say no. Before I know it, it leads to the answer or agreement that he is right."

Basically what he asks of her is impossible- she has too keep the house in such perfect order that she is at fault if the shampoo bottles are out of order or the curtains are not properly closed. When they talk about it he runs circles around her and makes her believe she is in the wrong and she needs to change when obviously he is the one with mental issues. (I'm guessing they argue in English and it's his first language but not hers). I recommend that she see a therapist to know whether she is the one with problems and whether she needs to try harder to change; I doubt that the problem is her.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I guess I should see a therapist to get some help. What is the name of the service so I can look up. I am not from DC.

Btw DH's first language is not English but certainly way better than me. He said he was in my shoes (language skill) 14 years ago and he tried very hard to get to this point and he can communicate comfortably in English. Therefore, I am totally able to do it if I want to. It is just that I don't try hard enough, he said.

The 2 main problem is my communication and my behavior which I don't even know how or when it gets better. I have no problem communicating with my coworkers. The 2 best co-worker friends I talk to at my office said they have no problem understand me. They said sometimes I seem struggling but they don't have problem verify it or they can see and help me out with the word choices. They are female though. Don't know if it makes the difference.

I am aware of my language barrier but other than practicing and continue communicating in English, I don't know what else I can do. I don't think taking English class will help much, plus I don't have time for that. I don't even have time to take courses for my career's improvement. About my behavior, that is even harder to change.

I told DH I don't like he does xyz when he is angry. He said if I don't push his button then it won't happen. Then I said there was time I wasn't the cause of his angry and he still did xyz. He said "Yes, I regret it though but when I get to that point, it is hard to control. It is the same as you.You turn silent and aren't able to control your speech (I don't talk when I am angry). Is it right? " so I got to answer "Yes".
Now think of it, my behaviour causes him problem so I need to change but his behaviour is ok because it is natural behaviour of human being???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I guess I should see a therapist to get some help. What is the name of the service so I can look up. I am not from DC.

Btw DH's first language is not English but certainly way better than me. He said he was in my shoes (language skill) 14 years ago and he tried very hard to get to this point and he can communicate comfortably in English. Therefore, I am totally able to do it if I want to. It is just that I don't try hard enough, he said.

The 2 main problem is my communication and my behavior which I don't even know how or when it gets better. I have no problem communicating with my coworkers. The 2 best co-worker friends I talk to at my office said they have no problem understand me. They said sometimes I seem struggling but they don't have problem verify it or they can see and help me out with the word choices. They are female though. Don't know if it makes the difference.

I am aware of my language barrier but other than practicing and continue communicating in English, I don't know what else I can do. I don't think taking English class will help much, plus I don't have time for that. I don't even have time to take courses for my career's improvement. About my behavior, that is even harder to change.

I told DH I don't like he does xyz when he is angry. He said if I don't push his button then it won't happen. Then I said there was time I wasn't the cause of his angry and he still did xyz. He said "Yes, I regret it though but when I get to that point, it is hard to control. It is the same as you.You turn silent and aren't able to control your speech (I don't talk when I am angry). Is it right? " so I got to answer "Yes".
Now think of it, my behaviour causes him problem so I need to change but his behaviour is ok because it is natural behaviour of human being???

What does he do when he gets angry? What is xyz? It's hard to know if you are justified without knowing the details. If he yells when he is angry, yes that's troublesome but many people yell when they are angry. If he hits you when he's angry then that's domestic abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What does he do when he gets angry? What is xyz? It's hard to know if you are justified without knowing the details. If he yells when he is angry, yes that's troublesome but many people yell when they are angry. If he hits you when he's angry then that's domestic abuse.

He throws things and scream. Not the craziest but I don't like. I just want to point out that his behaviour is ok even though it bothers me but mine is not and needs to be changed. I feel unfair but with the way he talk I just got to agree. This is to give small example what I meant in the previous post.
-OP-

[Anonymous]

starting to get a "fake post" feeling off of this OP/thread...

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. Learn how to fight fair.

[Anonymous]

This is not fake post. I am talking out of my feeling. It may be the language is not clear like I mentioned in original post.
Thank PP, I will look into that service.

-OP-

[Anonymous]

Op, is there anything in what DH says that is true? Meaning, are there ways you can communicate better before things escalate and people are angry? What else about your 'behavior' bothers him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is there anything in what DH says that is true? Meaning, are there ways you can communicate better before things escalate and people are angry? What else about your 'behavior' bothers him?

What DH says is true, always true to my understanding. That is why I said his logic is unbreakable. Perhaps my debating skill is terrible and I can't turn it around so I feel trapped??? Would you say 'Yes' if you are asked "Do you want to be a better person?"

About my behavior, I think I mentioned it in the original post. Maybe it is not clear. Let me try again. He is bothered with me refusing to talk about something he wants to know or if something is bothering me and I am showing on my face. For example, I look not happy. He asks me "What's wrong? Is there something you want to talk about". I replied "No, I don't want to talk" or "Nothing". He won't stop there, he will talk into a way that I will have to say it even if I say "It is not about you and I don't want to talk about it". It usually ends up in a "talk" . Then at the end it is always that I have bad attitude, keeping secret from him.
Well, he sure cares about me. I can understand it but I don't need to be fixed. When I am exhausted or angry, I don't want to talk and he knows that.
DH is very caring person, maybe too caring, nice, helpful and very polite. I don't have anything that is big enough to complain about him (like I said, I will find alternative way to work with it before I make any complain). Just this one issue we never resolved and keeps coming back. That is why I suggested marriage counselling.
I guess there is no more I can do except looking for professional help to see I really need to do.
Thanks all PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is gas lighting?

This is what makes me think OP is being gaslighted:
"I feel like being trapped when we have a talk. He will question me the way that a normal person would say yes because it doesn't make sense to say no. Before I know it, it leads to the answer or agreement that he is right."

Basically what he asks of her is impossible- she has too keep the house in such perfect order that she is at fault if the shampoo bottles are out of order or the curtains are not properly closed. When they talk about it he runs circles around her and makes her believe she is in the wrong and she needs to change when obviously he is the one with mental issues. (I'm guessing they argue in English and it's his first language but not hers). I recommend that she see a therapist to know whether she is the one with problems and whether she needs to try harder to change; I doubt that the problem is her.

He isn't gaslighting her--he's using the Socratic method. Is he an attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a perfectionist, or that he has OCD. I think you both could benefit from therapy.

This. He has some compulsive disorder that everything must be just so. In his vision of how it should be.
He needs to get less critical. He needs to prioritize the things h chooses to get upset about and cut out the bottom two thirds because they are too minute.

He could benefit from counseling. Stepping back and letting the little stuff go.

He likely gets the same reaction and criticism at work if he works on teams, etc. micromanaging and hyper critical over little things that don't really make a big difference. Ask him if he's like this at work. Maybe he'll make the connection.

As long as you are getting the major things right, you will be fine. Try to get him to relax, his attitude will not be good/healthy for children either.

[Anonymous]

He's verbally very critical.

Your English is fine. He has lots to work with. Maybe he just likes to argue, with whomever is home.