Issue with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I guess I should see a therapist to get some help. What is the name of the service so I can look up. I am not from DC.

Btw DH's first language is not English but certainly way better than me. He said he was in my shoes (language skill) 14 years ago and he tried very hard to get to this point and he can communicate comfortably in English. Therefore, I am totally able to do it if I want to. It is just that I don't try hard enough, he said.

The 2 main problem is my communication and my behavior which I don't even know how or when it gets better. I have no problem communicating with my coworkers. The 2 best co-worker friends I talk to at my office said they have no problem understand me. They said sometimes I seem struggling but they don't have problem verify it or they can see and help me out with the word choices. They are female though. Don't know if it makes the difference.

I am aware of my language barrier but other than practicing and continue communicating in English, I don't know what else I can do. I don't think taking English class will help much, plus I don't have time for that. I don't even have time to take courses for my career's improvement. About my behavior, that is even harder to change.

I told DH I don't like he does xyz when he is angry. He said if I don't push his button then it won't happen. Then I said there was time I wasn't the cause of his angry and he still did xyz. He said "Yes, I regret it though but when I get to that point, it is hard to control. It is the same as you.You turn silent and aren't able to control your speech (I don't talk when I am angry). Is it right? " so I got to answer "Yes".
Now think of it, my behaviour causes him problem so I need to change but his behaviour is ok because it is natural behaviour of human being???

Classic abuser's answer. Get therapy and get out. Learn how to get out safely, it's important.

Also, gas-lighting is when a person messes with your brain, e.g. saying contradictory things, to make you believe you're crazy and/or in the wrong, when he's the one who's manipulating the situation. Your husband is doing just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhm sound more like OCD to me... I married one and now I have more issues than he does. Everything "has a place." My drapes have to be not only closed completely, but they have to be closed in a certain way... So I do it myself. The decorative pillows have to arranged in a certain way... My housekeeper has been driving me nuts all week and I think it's on purpose! Please don't dress my chairs with your jacket or your handbag either. Use the coat rack. If you use a cup or a spoon, hand wash it and put it in the dishwasher. Yes. And ohh no one sits on my cream sectional it's for decorative purposes only. Do not even bother getting something in the pantry if you will not return it exactly where you found it. Do not use the kitchen if you spill something either on the counter or on the floor, be it crumbs, water or whatever and you can't clean it up right away. Who are you leaving the mess for? Clean up after your self please. Wearing shoes in the house? Let's not even go there please.

On a second thought, I am not OCD, I am just a neat freak and I like order. It makes my house manageable. I guess you don't mix up paperwork in the office either. In short, OP I think your DH was very patient with you during your first year of marriage, he hoped you would somehow "learn." How hard is it to put something where you found it? How hard is it to put the same effort you put at your work place in your house?

OP, ignore this poster. Very patient? Over which order personal care products must be lined up? Over which way curtains have to be closed? Please. That's just nonsense. Don't fall prey to this line of thinking, OP, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhm sound more like OCD to me... I married one and now I have more issues than he does. Everything "has a place." My drapes have to be not only closed completely, but they have to be closed in a certain way... So I do it myself. The decorative pillows have to arranged in a certain way... My housekeeper has been driving me nuts all week and I think it's on purpose! Please don't dress my chairs with your jacket or your handbag either. Use the coat rack. If you use a cup or a spoon, hand wash it and put it in the dishwasher. Yes. And ohh no one sits on my cream sectional it's for decorative purposes only. Do not even bother getting something in the pantry if you will not return it exactly where you found it. Do not use the kitchen if you spill something either on the counter or on the floor, be it crumbs, water or whatever and you can't clean it up right away. Who are you leaving the mess for? Clean up after your self please. Wearing shoes in the house? Let's not even go there please.

On a second thought, I am not OCD, I am just a neat freak and I like order. It makes my house manageable. I guess you don't mix up paperwork in the office either. In short, OP I think your DH was very patient with you during your first year of marriage, he hoped you would somehow "learn." How hard is it to put something where you found it? How hard is it to put the same effort you put at your work place in your house?

OMG, the last two questions are exactly what DH uses all the time.
I have been reading articles about perfectionist, controlling and OCD. I will have to watch the movie PP mentioned. I hope I don't find DH is so bad. Just like PP@ 11/7/2014 11:03 said, DH is a great husband in other ways though.
I thought if I just do what he wants me to do at the minimum (those that I can't ignore), it will solve the problems but it does not happen consistently. Part of the reason is our priorities are different I guess.
I will try to arrange an appointment with a therapist sometime soon. It seems the only help I can get.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP, he sounds like the husband from the movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. Majorly controlling.

x2000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhm sound more like OCD to me... I married one and now I have more issues than he does. Everything "has a place." My drapes have to be not only closed completely, but they have to be closed in a certain way... So I do it myself. The decorative pillows have to arranged in a certain way... My housekeeper has been driving me nuts all week and I think it's on purpose! Please don't dress my chairs with your jacket or your handbag either. Use the coat rack. If you use a cup or a spoon, hand wash it and put it in the dishwasher. Yes. And ohh no one sits on my cream sectional it's for decorative purposes only. Do not even bother getting something in the pantry if you will not return it exactly where you found it. Do not use the kitchen if you spill something either on the counter or on the floor, be it crumbs, water or whatever and you can't clean it up right away. Who are you leaving the mess for? Clean up after your self please. Wearing shoes in the house? Let's not even go there please.

On a second thought, I am not OCD, I am just a neat freak and I like order. It makes my house manageable. I guess you don't mix up paperwork in the office either. In short, OP I think your DH was very patient with you during your first year of marriage, he hoped you would somehow "learn." How hard is it to put something where you found it? How hard is it to put the same effort you put at your work place in your house?

OMG, the last two questions are exactly what DH uses all the time.
I have been reading articles about perfectionist, controlling and OCD. I will have to watch the movie PP mentioned. I hope I don't find DH is so bad. Just like PP@ 11/7/2014 11:03 said, DH is a great husband in other ways though.
I thought if I just do what he wants me to do at the minimum (those that I can't ignore), it will solve the problems but it does not happen consistently. Part of the reason is our priorities are different I guess.
I will try to arrange an appointment with a therapist sometime soon. It seems the only help I can get.
-OP

That's not the way it works with a person like your husband. You do x, they want you to do y as well. You do x and y, they come up with a new way to pick a fight and make you feel worthless. And another one. And another one. Trust me, it never ends. Not without professional help and lots of firmness on your part - if ever.

[Anonymous]

OP, any update? Worried about you.