Am I the only one who doesn't feel bored as a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really love it but maybe I'm doing it wrong!

as everyone knows. you have to have vagina to do this. not sure what happened to feminism. all the rich liberals in our mclean neighborhood have the wives stay at home.

Which goes to show feminism is alive and well. Good for these women for choosing something that was important to them and to their families. Oh, and to society. Having choices is what it's all about. Clearly, you didn't get the memo in your Womyns Studies 101 class.

How many men who are not downsized "choose" to be SAHDs? If we didn't need feminism, more men would take on the at home parent role.

They do have that choice, they just don't exercise it as often.

And why is that?

Conditioned to think it is not valuable. Just like you. I happen to disagree.

If women are SAH out of free choice today, and not "conditioned" to think they can't raise their children well with a FT job outside the home, then give me a little credit. I don't enjoy the domestic arts and I really enjoy getting up and going to work. I don't even think my WOH is valuable primarily for the money, I see no need to SAH for my particular family setup and children.

What? No one gives a flying fig what you do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Wow! A few things are crystal clear, just from reading your post.
1. Your marriage sounds incredibly tense and passive aggressive. Not to mention, sad and strange.
2. You're projecting your baggage onto people with much healthier marriages.

In my family, we ALL pick the vacation destination and then I get the fun of planning it, which I love.
When my husband goes on a business trip, he's the first to try and make it as short as possible because he'd rather just come home. Unless I go with him on said trip, however, which I do about once or twice a year. Then he definitely takes some extra vacation days that we can enjoy together. You should try it sometime!

The car and vacation examples are both drawn from two real life SAHM friends. In both cases, the women are not only SAH, they are 8 and 12 years younger than their husbands. In the car example, my friend wanted a family car when theirs broke down, her husband wanted something more business friendly. He said, "If we can't agree, I'll just buy the car I want without your agreement." Not all marriages with a WOHH and a SAHW are healthy.

This is just too funny. PP, you actually think your little test sample of one (1) marriage is applicable to all other marriages with a SAHM? Wow wow wow. I'm getting more and more concerned about you and severe lack of critical thinking.

Should I relate some anecdotes re: WOHMs and their relationships with their husbands? Because I have quite a few doozies. Just let me know!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOHM, but I wouldn't be bored being a SAHM at all. If you're doing it right, you wouldn't be bored. And I mean park trips, museum trips, library story times, music classes, lots of sensory play and outdoor play.

We all know good and bad SAHMs and WOHMs, lets not generalize. Some people are better suited to one versus the other.

What about once your youngest child is in full day school?

Whenever I hear this question (not the PP, btw), I know there's got to be jealousy at play. Otherwise, why on earth would you care what we do once our children are in school?

I don't care what you do when you have children too young for school, either, but it's not jealousy, it's asking honestly how you plan to fill those extra 32 hours a week. I've never SAH, I can't imagine what I would do with all that free time. I guess life just slows way down.

Yes, and it's fantastic.

To each their own. I'm way too young to slow down.

Yes, we know. You're "way too young" to have much common sense or life experience, either.

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The one thing happy SAHMs that I know have in common is no matter how intelligent or well educated, they don't have a strong professional drive.

Does this mean that high professional drive women don't have high drive to become mothers? If so, then why do they have kids?

See, inferences like these are what make people think that stay at home moms aren't very smart. How exactly does your statement follow from hers, logically?

Not the PP, but you must be joking. The question is absolutely relevant, especially if we're to entertain the first statement, that SAHMs "don't have a strong professional drive."

I realize that it must be difficult to process the second question because it clearly hit a nerve (especially if you're the mom who had 50 hours/week of childcare). But try reading slowly. I know you can do it!

God, you're stupid. You didn't read about logical fallacy, did you? The drive to become a mother is biological; working in no way interferes with the desire to be a mother. Educate yourself.

You're the person who uses 50 hours of childcare per week, right? Sounds like your "desire to become a mother" was no more than your desire to check that task off your to-do list. But sure, we believe you. Especially if you're the PP who keeps coming back to tell SAHMs what a poor choice they made and how if we're "secure in our choices," then criticism shouldn't bother us. I suggest you take your own advice.

It's curious that you're trolling a thread which has nothing to do with you, dontcha think? Kind of an insecure thing to do.

Why is a dad considered a good parent if he is gone more than 40 hours a week for work, but not a mom? Would you feel differently if I said I was gone from my kids for work for 47 hours a week, but instead of childcare, my husband was a SAHD?

Absolutely! Yay, trolling PP - you've finally caught on!

But the reality is, I don't give one iota of thought to what you do or don't do.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read this whole (29 page!) thread, but these debates always strike me as totally ridiculous. It's as if SAH or WOH is an immutable trait. I SAH right now; I used to WOH; I intend to WOH when my kids are older, though I might WAH part-time if I can figure something out. Not many women SAH on the day their first child is born and stay that way for the rest of their lives. And not many women go back to work the day after their child is born, though certainly maternity leave is too short in this country. Many of us, in other words, have been BOTH.

In other words, I SAH and of course I respect women who work, and I think that you can work and be an amazing and involved mother! And when I go back to work and become a WOHM, I will remember that women who SAH are doing something important and valuable (and challenging, when the kids are little!).

I just don't think we are as different as these threads make it seem like we are.

[Anonymous]

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The one thing happy SAHMs that I know have in common is no matter how intelligent or well educated, they don't have a strong professional drive.

Does this mean that high professional drive women don't have high drive to become mothers? If so, then why do they have kids?

See, inferences like these are what make people think that stay at home moms aren't very smart. How exactly does your statement follow from hers, logically?

Not the PP, but you must be joking. The question is absolutely relevant, especially if we're to entertain the first statement, that SAHMs "don't have a strong professional drive."

I realize that it must be difficult to process the second question because it clearly hit a nerve (especially if you're the mom who had 50 hours/week of childcare). But try reading slowly. I know you can do it!

God, you're stupid. You didn't read about logical fallacy, did you? The drive to become a mother is biological; working in no way interferes with the desire to be a mother. Educate yourself.

You're the person who uses 50 hours of childcare per week, right? Sounds like your "desire to become a mother" was no more than your desire to check that task off your to-do list. But sure, we believe you. Especially if you're the PP who keeps coming back to tell SAHMs what a poor choice they made and how if we're "secure in our choices," then criticism shouldn't bother us. I suggest you take your own advice.

It's curious that you're trolling a thread which has nothing to do with you, dontcha think? Kind of an insecure thing to do.

Why is a dad considered a good parent if he is gone more than 40 hours a week for work, but not a mom? Would you feel differently if I said I was gone from my kids for work for 47 hours a week, but instead of childcare, my husband was a SAHD?

He probably isn't. I don't think that the solution is to have two uninvolved parents.

Working full time is not the same as being uninvolved as a parent, even if the work is full time plus a commute.

50 hours of childcare per week is de facto uninvolved.

Yep. Not only uninvolved, but just plain absent. PP will insist otherwise, though. Wait for it...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are there people who claim to be bored as a stay at home mom? I haven't met anyone who said that.

The whole premise of this thread is incongruous, as I didn't even know that being bored as a SAHM was a thing! I mean, I guess people can be bored or retirement, but it's pretty far from the first assumption.

My mother was bored as hell as a SAHM. You really have never heard a highly educated mother complain about the lack of intellectual stimulation in her life, even in a whisper?

Well, I'm highly educated and was bored as hell when working. As were most of my colleagues. Life improved 100% once I left to stay home.

[Anonymous]

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The one thing happy SAHMs that I know have in common is no matter how intelligent or well educated, they don't have a strong professional drive.

Does this mean that high professional drive women don't have high drive to become mothers? If so, then why do they have kids?

See, inferences like these are what make people think that stay at home moms aren't very smart. How exactly does your statement follow from hers, logically?

Not the PP, but you must be joking. The question is absolutely relevant, especially if we're to entertain the first statement, that SAHMs "don't have a strong professional drive."

I realize that it must be difficult to process the second question because it clearly hit a nerve (especially if you're the mom who had 50 hours/week of childcare). But try reading slowly. I know you can do it!

God, you're stupid. You didn't read about logical fallacy, did you? The drive to become a mother is biological; working in no way interferes with the desire to be a mother. Educate yourself.

You're the person who uses 50 hours of childcare per week, right? Sounds like your "desire to become a mother" was no more than your desire to check that task off your to-do list. But sure, we believe you. Especially if you're the PP who keeps coming back to tell SAHMs what a poor choice they made and how if we're "secure in our choices," then criticism shouldn't bother us. I suggest you take your own advice.

It's curious that you're trolling a thread which has nothing to do with you, dontcha think? Kind of an insecure thing to do.

Why is a dad considered a good parent if he is gone more than 40 hours a week for work, but not a mom? Would you feel differently if I said I was gone from my kids for work for 47 hours a week, but instead of childcare, my husband was a SAHD?

He probably isn't. I don't think that the solution is to have two uninvolved parents.

Working full time is not the same as being uninvolved as a parent, even if the work is full time plus a commute.

50 hours of childcare per week is de facto uninvolved.

Disagree. Every single person I know who works at my company, which requires 45 hours a week in the office, uses that much childcare/school time unless they have a SAHP. If we are ALL uninvolved, who is the default parent, or do you think school + aftercare is raising our kids?

That's fine. We can disagree. This is the reason I stay home. I think kids benefit from a lot more time with parents. You don't. No issues from me. You are free to do as you wish and so am I.

No, PP - she wants to argue and you're just too sane and rational for her! Imagine her frustration!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a white privilege issue. It's nice if you can afford to stay home OP and rally round the flag for you. But, it just isn't possible for most people in this area.To another poster, I do wonder why someone would go to all of the trouble to go to law school and then stay home.

Hmm. It couldn't *possibly* be that this person worked as an attorney prior to having kids, and plans to work again when her kids are older? Nah, that couldn't be it. That makes too much sense.

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Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

Huh. Sounds like you're projecting your own (very peculiar) marital dynamic onto others who have no idea what you're talking about. Talk about denial!

My entire family decides where to go on vacation, and I plan all the details because I enjoy it - and I have time to do so. Cars? How strange that you'd think our husbands decide what we'll drive.

As for vacations, my husband and I plan a few trips together each year around his business trips - so of course he's going to extend his vacation days so we can do this. Often, the whole family will come along, if his trip coincides with a school break. He would laugh at the suggestion that when he travels alone, he's going to "decide to stay for a couple of days," rather than come home. The last thing he wants is to extend a business trip, unless it's part of a vacation.

What your post is really saying is that this is what you *imagine* must occur in a marriage with a SAHP. In other words, wishful thinking on your part. Sorry to disappoint!

No, these two scenarios were described to me by two of my SAHM friends. I'm glad your marriage is so very equal.

Oh, is that why you said, "Many SAHMs..."? Because TWO of your friends told this is how their marriages work? PP, you're so pathetic. I'm sorry your marriage is so... awful.

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Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

DP, but my husband thinks it's great. We meet for lunch all the time and he gets a lot of time off for himself. Why would he be jealous?

How can he possibly get a lot of time off for himself? Do you mean he works 40 or 50 hours a week, and then takes nights and weekends away from family?

What? Of course not. You don't have a very wide experience with situations other than your own, do you?

My husband pretty much makes his own hours. He's senior enough to come and go when he needs to, and/or work at home. He can take a day off here and there to go golfing if he wants. We can meet for lunch a few times a week. He helps out at school a couple of times a month. He coaches our kids' teams. And he goes on a weekend fishing trip with his friends once a year - just as I take a ladies weekend with mine. Plenty of free time for both of us, without having to "take nights and weekends away from family." I'm sorry you don't know what that's like.

Your husband doesn't work full time, I guess. He's a semi retired senior executive. Okay, thanks.

Nope. Wrong again. He works full time - just not YOUR definition of full time. He is a senior exec, true - but not retired. He's only 49. Thanks for playing!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

DP... I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like great marriage. I've been both a wohm, sahm, wfh, PT, etc... Marriage is a partnership.

Marriage is a partnership, ideally, but then again life is not ideal. The kind of man who respects his wife being at home was not the kind of man who would be attracted to me - I'm too competitive

I'm glad that works for you, but my DH respects me whether I choose to be sahm or wohm, and I've done both. Your marriage sounds more like a competition.

Yes, we are both competitive, and our marriage is much more egalitarian than most of our friends'.

Sure... "egalitarian." Exactly the word that came to mind when reading the description of your marriage.

There is no gender divide in our parenting. We both taught/are teaching the kids to drive. Whoever is cooking depends on the night of the week. We make all financial decisions truly jointly. I realize this wouldn't suit many of you posters, but it works for us and has for over 20 years.

"No gender divide"! Hysterical. In our house, we don't call it a "gender divide," we call it "personal preference." Which means that my daughter, who hates emptying the dishwasher, is on trash duty. My son enjoys cooking, so he cooks dinner twice a week. Like you, both my husband and I teach the kids to drive, but we simply base it on who's available. I wouldn't care less if my husband wanted to do it all the time, because frankly, I hate it. I get carsick if I'm not driving. Who cares who teaches the kids to drive??

As for our financial decisions, they're also made "truly jointly." Why would you assume otherwise? I pay all the bills and we both decide what investments to make. It's not rocket science. You're so wrapped up in gender roles - or, rather, making a big point to defy them - that you just look foolish and boring. Your marriage sounds horrible.

My father split everything completely by gender role, and didn't respect what my mother did at home. He bought cars, even a house, without consulting her. They did not make financial decisions jointly at all. You damn right we split everything down the middle. I'm glad none of you SAHMs saw your own SAH mothers disrespected by your fathers.

Not in the least. My mom was also a SAHM, and the most vibrant, wonderful, fun person I've ever met. My father worshipped the ground she walked on and wouldn't have dreamed of making any financial decisions without her input. They make quite the team, even now. THAT'S the marriage I hope to emulate. Yours sounds like hell. And your dad sounds like an asshole - could this be where you got it?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: Raising kids is a contribution to society.

Newsflash: you can raise kids, plus have a career.

I spent 30 plus years as working mom. Then I got laid off and now I work part time while staying at home. I'm not bored. I realize that I was way overextended while trying to raise kids and work full time and that it almost ruined my mental health for good. The expectation that women can take on full time jobs while still performing most of their traditional roles is, in my view, nothing short of abuse. You can say that men should take on half of the home roles but that doesn't work for most of us. Meanwhile, men have come to expect women who can "do it all" and still be hot in the bedroom.

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I've never had any interest in "doing it all," because I realize life has seasons. So I can do it all in my lifetime, but have no desire to try cramming everything in, all at once. I also did the working mom BS for a long time, until I came to the same conclusions as you. I want to focus on one thing at a time and give it 100%; and at this time, that would be my kids. Life is long. First things first.

The problem is that if you want a corporate career, it's hard to do that after your children are all 18 and older. How exactly does that work, or do you mean you don't plan a season for a time consuming career like that?

I don't want, and have never wanted, a "corporate career." You see, not everyone wants what you want.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When are women going to let this topic go? It's so played out.

Ask the OP. She really just wanted to chat with other SAHMs...really, just for support...

Love how the SAHMs stir the pot and then say "why are you on this thread..."

I imagine the OP was the very same WOHM troll who now keeps appearing to argue her point and tell us about her extremely insecure marriage and a lifetime of baggage. She started the thread just so she could unload in it.

But I do find it so interesting that not one WOHM has answered the question, why are you on this thread? What could possibly have made you click on it? Hmm, let's think...

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Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

DP, but my husband thinks it's great. We meet for lunch all the time and he gets a lot of time off for himself. Why would he be jealous?

How can he possibly get a lot of time off for himself? Do you mean he works 40 or 50 hours a week, and then takes nights and weekends away from family?

What? Of course not. You don't have a very wide experience with situations other than your own, do you?

My husband pretty much makes his own hours. He's senior enough to come and go when he needs to, and/or work at home. He can take a day off here and there to go golfing if he wants. We can meet for lunch a few times a week. He helps out at school a couple of times a month. He coaches our kids' teams. And he goes on a weekend fishing trip with his friends once a year - just as I take a ladies weekend with mine. Plenty of free time for both of us, without having to "take nights and weekends away from family." I'm sorry you don't know what that's like.

DP. Don't care what you are arguing about, but you are an idiot. NO ONE has "very wide experience" with situations other than their own. This is the nature of being human. We are all limited by out own experiences, including (and very obviously) YOU! And you are just nasty to boot. Suggests you are actually quite unhappy and unloading on people on an anonymous board to feel better.

And you, very clearly, haven't bothered to read this entire thread and have zero idea why I responded the way I did to the PP - who, btw is the thread's resident troll. Perhaps you should read every post if you plan on just diving in to a conversation you know nothing about.