Birth father not interested in contact

[Anonymous]

I was adopted as an infant and located my birth mother about 8 years ago when I was 37. At initial contact, my birth mother said that she and my birth father had wished for the day that they would hear from me. She said that though they were married when I was born, they divorced about five years later, but had remained in touch. She said that he had later gone on to marry and have two children. In one of her communications to me, she said that he would be getting in touch with me directly.

My birth mother and I have had sporadic contact over the years since I got in touch with her. We have met in person on a few occasions, but for logistical and life reasons have not had much of an opportunity to develop a very deep relationship. At some point about a year or so in, I mentioned to her that I had not yet heard from my birth father and had hoped that I would at least get medical information from him. At my next face to face meeting with her, she gave me a document that included medical information that he had provided. There was no letter or personal aspect to it at all.

It has now been several years since that time and I recently requested my birth mother to give me contact information for my birth father. I said that I understood that he probably is not interested in hearing from me, but that I would like to write to him directly, even if just to bring closure. She responded that he had emphatically asked her to not give me his info - and also that she has not been in contact with him for a couple of years.

So now I just feel sad. And rejected. And mad. I get it that he doesn't want contact, but don't I even deserve any type of explanation of why? He had the opportunity long ago to just attach a letter to the medical information explaining that he had no intention of writing to me again and would prefer if I would respect that. That probably would have hurt, but the way that he is dealing with this (or basically not dealing with it) somehow makes it even harder. As though I am not even worth a simple letter to help me understand.

I also can't 100% shake the feeling that my birth mother possibly may not be telling the truth - or all of the truth. I don't have a specific reason to suspect this, other than feeling like the situation is really weird. I have my birth father's name and some other information and know that I could easily locate him if I wanted to, but I haven't done so.

Do these feelings seem valid? Any advice on how to just put this behind me and move on?

[Anonymous]

My gut tells me that you are putting your birth mother in the middle of things. It's impossible for me to know whether she is lying or protecting him for some reason. Remove your relationship with her from the equation (just completely separate your relationship with her from your relationship with your birth father).

If it was me, I would contact birth father yourself -- but do it discretely. He may actually have reasons that he does not want to have contact with you. If he doesn't respond, then you have that closure. If it turns out that birth mom never did tell him about you, then he will have the opportunity to respond and get to know you.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes a non-answer IS your answer and I think that's the case here. He's "told" you he doesn't want any contact, let alone a relationship, through his actions. If you need to write him a letter for closure, then write it all out. Sending it is not what provides the closure. It's getting all the feelings out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a non-answer IS your answer and I think that's the case here. He's "told" you he doesn't want any contact, let alone a relationship, through his actions. If you need to write him a letter for closure, then write it all out. Sending it is not what provides the closure. It's getting all the feelings out.

OP here. Are you saying to write the letter - to get it all out - but not send it?

[Anonymous]

Not PP, but I say write it and send it. You can't trust the word of the birth mother on this. You have to give him the opportunity to respond. He may not -- but at least he will have had the opportunity. Birth mother may have never said a word about you to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gut tells me that you are putting your birth mother in the middle of things. It's impossible for me to know whether she is lying or protecting him for some reason. Remove your relationship with her from the equation (just completely separate your relationship with her from your relationship with your birth father).

If it was me, I would contact birth father yourself -- but do it discretely. He may actually have reasons that he does not want to have contact with you. If he doesn't respond, then you have that closure. If it turns out that birth mom never did tell him about you, then he will have the opportunity to respond and get to know you.

OP here. This was my thinking when I asked her for the contact information. Just to put something out there directly to see what would happen. Now I would have to do the investigation to get the contact info. And may be contacting when his perspective has made it clear that he doesn't want contact (assuming BM has told the truth), which would potentially be invasive. I guess that I could include the information that I have in the letter, but then it makes it more difficult to write it discreetly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not PP, but I say write it and send it. You can't trust the word of the birth mother on this. You have to give him the opportunity to respond. He may not -- but at least he will have had the opportunity. Birth mother may have never said a word about you to him.

OP. Right, but then there is that weird thing that initially she said that he would be in contact directly and the later provision of the sheet of medical information. So it seems that she must have had some contact with him about me, right?

[Anonymous]

It would seem like she contacted him, but you have no way of knowing that. It's all just a little odd to me. Obviously I don't know your birth mom, so maybe you can tell she is very honest. I guess I am a cynic and just wonder if she is keeping you from him because she doesn't want him to say something bad about her or something odd like that a. If there is a way to contact him online (linked-in, email, etc) rather than by mail, I would opt for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a non-answer IS your answer and I think that's the case here. He's "told" you he doesn't want any contact, let alone a relationship, through his actions. If you need to write him a letter for closure, then write it all out. Sending it is not what provides the closure. It's getting all the feelings out.

OP here. Are you saying to write the letter - to get it all out - but not send it?

I thought you don't have contact info for him, so where do you plan to send it? You're the one who seems to feel a need for 'closure" not me. If it were me (and it has been) I'd drop it. You seem incapable of dropping it. So fine, then get out all your feelings in a letter (hell, make an iMovie, whatever). Obviously you can't send it since you said you don't have his contact info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a non-answer IS your answer and I think that's the case here. He's "told" you he doesn't want any contact, let alone a relationship, through his actions. If you need to write him a letter for closure, then write it all out. Sending it is not what provides the closure. It's getting all the feelings out.

OP here. Are you saying to write the letter - to get it all out - but not send it?

I thought you don't have contact info for him, so where do you plan to send it? You're the one who seems to feel a need for 'closure" not me. If it were me (and it has been) I'd drop it. You seem incapable of dropping it. So fine, then get out all your feelings in a letter (hell, make an iMovie, whatever). Obviously you can't send it since you said you don't have his contact info.

OP said that she had enough information so that she could find contact information for him if she wanted to -- but that she had not done so yet.

[Anonymous]

No. You deserve nothing from him. He gave up all rights to you when he agreed to give you up for adoption. Leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone. I understand you want closure but you are not going to get it. Like with most adoptions there is probably much more to the story. He may not be your real birth father or he has not told his family. appreciate the fact you are loved and wanted by your family, especially parents and try to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You deserve nothing from him. He gave up all rights to you when he agreed to give you up for adoption. Leave him alone.

OP here. I guess that you are saying that he relieved himself of any obligations to me when he signed the adoption papers. True. I get that. And this is probably what will stop me from trying to contact him. But I am curious to know if you are able to see my side of it all? Is it wrong to feel hurt/slighted that he couldn't even write a letter explaining his side of the situation, knowing that he could get that information to me without having any direct contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave it alone. I understand you want closure but you are not going to get it. Like with most adoptions there is probably much more to the story. He may not be your real birth father or he has not told his family. appreciate the fact you are loved and wanted by your family, especially parents and try to move on.

Thanks for this perspective. I honestly had not considered the possibility that he may not be the real birth father (though I have assumed that if he is, he has not told his family). His name is on the birth certificate - and he was married to the birth mother at the time - but it really had not crossed my mind that this could have been other than what it seems. Guess that shows how the emotional side can stop you from objectively considering all the possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes a non-answer IS your answer and I think that's the case here. He's "told" you he doesn't want any contact, let alone a relationship, through his actions. If you need to write him a letter for closure, then write it all out. Sending it is not what provides the closure. It's getting all the feelings out.

OP here. Are you saying to write the letter - to get it all out - but not send it?

I thought you don't have contact info for him, so where do you plan to send it? You're the one who seems to feel a need for 'closure" not me. If it were me (and it has been) I'd drop it. You seem incapable of dropping it. So fine, then get out all your feelings in a letter (hell, make an iMovie, whatever). Obviously you can't send it since you said you don't have his contact info.

OP said that she had enough information so that she could find contact information for him if she wanted to -- but that she had not done so yet.

OP here. This exactly. I feel pretty confident that I could locate him if I tried. I thought that the suggestion of writing a letter - even with no intention of sending it - was an interesting one, PP 16:11. Apologies if my brief response implied otherwise, I was just checking to see if that was what you meant. Made me think of therapies I have heard about.