Telling MIL she cannot bring iPad to our house at Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Holiday stress has officially started...my in-laws have decided to spend Christmas with my kids for the first time and, while I'm thrilled that my kids will finally get some holiday time with that set of grandparents, I'm trying to figure out whether or not I can tell my MIL she cannot bring her iPad to our house.

The last time they stayed with us, it became quite clear to me that MIL has a screen-time addiction, which resulted in my girls being ignored for the duration of the visit while she FaceTimed with grandkids in other states multiple times per day or played computer games once other grandkids' parents stopped picking up their phones. My kids have always been treated as the 'second rate' grandkids by my MIL (which is why this sudden holiday visit is such a shock to me) and I have accepted the fact that they'll always be ignored by her at family get-togethers where her other grandkids are present, but I'm having trouble swallowing the fact that she's now found a way to ignore them in favor of the other grandkids even when the others aren't physically present. When staying at our house, she literally cannot go more than a couple hours without contacting other grandkids to FaceTime, and wasn't able to participate in activities with my children without iPad in hand so that another grandkid or two could also be a participant.

I should mention that in-laws drive all the way from Atlanta to visit us, so I find it strange that she puts herself through such a long drive only to spend the majority of her visit talking into a 4-inch screen instead of making an effort to spend quality time with the children she only sees a few times a year.

This is not how I want to spend Christmas, and I really don't want my daughters (both are toddlers) to be taught that Christmas should revolve around an electronic device. My older daughter is very inquisitive and demands an excessive amount of screen time for herself when under MIL's influence, and I really don't want our holidays to become consumed by screen time. Last time my in-laws were here, there were times when my 3-year-old was literally putting toys in her grandma's lap, only to have my MIL shoo her away because the game of Solitaire she was playing was more important.

Probably worth mentioning that my MIL has an extreme lack of self control, so telling her she can bring the iPad but must limit the use of it won't work. If the device is in the house, she'll need it to be in her possession at all time--it will be joining us at the dinner table for holiday meals, present opening time will need to be scheduled around when other grandkids are available, and any other holiday activities will take a backseat to FaceTime. I had planned to tell her the iPad needed to be left at home on her next visit because it created such a problem last time she was here, but now that the next visit is taking place on a major holiday makes me feel like it's unfair to cut her off from her precious FaceTime app...

[Anonymous]

I am replying after just the first 2 paragraphs. Step back and think about it- how on Earth would you even phrase that so as to not end up sounding like YOU are the crazy and controlling one.
These are adults we are talking about, you can't tell her not to bring her ipad, you just can't. She's not a 4 year old you can manage.

Even if you are 100% right about her addiction to her electronics, there just is no way to do this where you don't come out of it looking bad. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. It's weird that she behaves like that, but you really can't try to control your MIL's (or any houseguest's) screen time as though she were your child.

[Anonymous]

No, you cannot tell her not to bring her iPad. She's probably bored just sitting around your house all day. Can you plan some activities (where there is no wifi) that might be fun for the whole family?
Maybe a trip to see decorations at the Gaylord, a trip to see ICE, see the Nutcracker, museums, bake holiday cookies, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holiday stress has officially started...my in-laws have decided to spend Christmas with my kids for the first time and, while I'm thrilled that my kids will finally get some holiday time with that set of grandparents, I'm trying to figure out whether or not I can tell my MIL she cannot bring her iPad to our house.

The last time they stayed with us, it became quite clear to me that MIL has a screen-time addiction, which resulted in my girls being ignored for the duration of the visit while she FaceTimed with grandkids in other states multiple times per day or played computer games once other grandkids' parents stopped picking up their phones. My kids have always been treated as the 'second rate' grandkids by my MIL (which is why this sudden holiday visit is such a shock to me) and I have accepted the fact that they'll always be ignored by her at family get-togethers where her other grandkids are present, but I'm having trouble swallowing the fact that she's now found a way to ignore them in favor of the other grandkids even when the others aren't physically present. When staying at our house, she literally cannot go more than a couple hours without contacting other grandkids to FaceTime, and wasn't able to participate in activities with my children without iPad in hand so that another grandkid or two could also be a participant.

I should mention that in-laws drive all the way from Atlanta to visit us, so I find it strange that she puts herself through such a long drive only to spend the majority of her visit talking into a 4-inch screen instead of making an effort to spend quality time with the children she only sees a few times a year.

This is not how I want to spend Christmas, and I really don't want my daughters (both are toddlers) to be taught that Christmas should revolve around an electronic device. My older daughter is very inquisitive and demands an excessive amount of screen time for herself when under MIL's influence, and I really don't want our holidays to become consumed by screen time. Last time my in-laws were here, there were times when my 3-year-old was literally putting toys in her grandma's lap, only to have my MIL shoo her away because the game of Solitaire she was playing was more important.

Probably worth mentioning that my MIL has an extreme lack of self control, so telling her she can bring the iPad but must limit the use of it won't work. If the device is in the house, she'll need it to be in her possession at all time--it will be joining us at the dinner table for holiday meals, present opening time will need to be scheduled around when other grandkids are available, and any other holiday activities will take a backseat to FaceTime. I had planned to tell her the iPad needed to be left at home on her next visit because it created such a problem last time she was here, but now that the next visit is taking place on a major holiday makes me feel like it's unfair to cut her off from her precious FaceTime app...

I get it is annoying, but telling a grown woman how to conduct herself is disrespectful. Imagine the reverse scenario?! I would never visit you again if you told me how to behave at your home. Maybe that's your goal, though.

[Anonymous]

Could the wifi in your house go down while she"s there?

[Anonymous]

My FIL is the same way. I'm working on it not bothering me, by adjusting my expectations.

We do what we're planning on doing, and he either joins us or he doesn't. Either way, I don't care, and my kids don't really care either. We also plan lots of outings out of the house -- it's harder for FIL to bury his face behind a screen when we're out and then the kids are busy with their activity they don't notice.

[Anonymous]

If your MIL has an "extreme lack of control" how do you rate your own level of wanting to exert extreme control?

OP, so what if she does a Skype or FaceTime with another grandchild. Plan fun events. You are obviously the biggest obstacle contributing to your stress. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Even if someone could tell a grown woman she cannot bring her iPad to their house, that someone would need to be your husband, not you. It's his mother. If he shares your concerns perhaps he could talk to his mother about spending more time interacting with her grandchildren while she's present in your home. But you cannot tell your houseguest to leave her iPad at home and be within the bounds of good manners.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you just dislike her. Not everyone is going to spend time with children in the way you would want them too. Maybe she isn't good at being really engaging with toddlers. I'm not either. They're kind of boring. She obviously cares enough to make the drive to see you all, but you seem to completely overlook that. You can't control the actions of someone else and your children are by no means being hurt by it.It's irritating as hell for you, but I would try to plan some out of the house activities and loosen up. And no you can't ask her not to bring it. Are you crazy??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could the wifi in your house go down while she"s there?

Thais was my first thought as well. I am devious that way and I'd get a kick out of it.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

No, you can't do that. That is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say?

I bet he is not allowed to talk when not asked.

[Anonymous]

Omg. No. You don't get to control grown adults.