Sixth Grade Blues
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Anonymous
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DS started middle school this year. He has an IEP for ADHD and LD's. His teachers have been proactive from the beginning. Unfortunately, DS is off to a bad start. The school has put a great system in place - one consistent with the "success strategy" that we developed with him. DS is actively resisting it. For example, he is refusing to show us his agenda and go through his backpack after school, to help prioritize assignments. He yells and has tantrums about it. The result is that, at 8:45 last night, after working on an assignment that's not due till next week, he suddenly showed us an assignment for another class due today. He didn't do it. He claimed that he'll do it in his homeroom this morning but, knowing about his challenges, we're fairly certain that this won't happen.
For those who perhaps have been there, do you just let your child fail? We're prepared to do this - he's certainly going to have consequences for both the behavior and not completing his work. He also refuses to make use of accommodations/work-arounds designed to help him. As parents, we are at the point of mild desperation. He doesn't seem to "get" logical consequences or, at the least, doesn't seem to care. It's sad because, besides us, he actually has teachers who care but he seems to want to do nothing to help himself. FWIW, he is on ADHD medication and, according to reports from school, it's working just fine - but he is (and always has been - even from a young age) resistant to doing work or demonstrating what he knows. Advice? |
Anonymous
| Have you shared your concerns with his teachers and counselor? I always share with them observations at home. Also, your DS may need to be in a school that offers him more support, which means you may have to look to private with smaller class sizes and individualized or differentiated learning for kids with learning differences. The schools vary in terms of support from mild learning differences to multiple learning disabilities. |
Anonymous
OP here. The new year has barely begun so, no, we're going to let the natural consequences flow. We did note it in his agenda, which we're supposed to initial every night. As for the broader question, our school system is offering him a lot of support - the problems are arising at home, with DS's refusal to follow some very basic procedures/steps. Class size is not the issue at all - he's in a mix of self-contained, regular, and regular with added support classes. In our experience in elementary school, where he had pull-out services with a small group of kids for some subjects, the smaller size and greater attention didn't make a bit of difference. Instruction is already differentiated for him. I guess what I'm getting at is that this seems to be a behavioral issue. Whether his ADHD is morphing into ODD or whether it's the start of adolescent rebellion or whether there's some as-yet undiagnosed additional mental health condition (or possibly some combination of these), it seems to have nothing to do with unreasonable expectations. We drafted some guidelines with him for what he needs to do. The school has the same expectations, basically. What he needs to do -- go through his agenda as a family and just prioritize and talk about things -- is very basic. He's refusing to do it. FWIW, we were considering private a year ago. From visiting some of the privates that specialize in working with kids with LD's, they would have the same types of systems and expectations in place (here's your agenda, you need to write your assignments in it - we're going to make sure you do it, here are some organizing tools that we, you, and your parents will all work on together and that you need to go through at home). What we're seeing makes us happy that we did not pursue private - the issue isn't the workload or unreasonable expectations; rather, it's resistance - very strong resistance - to following any sort of routine. We've been working at this for years - sticker charts, signs listing things to do, etc. He agrees to do them initially but very quickly refuses to adhere to them, despite consequences. It's heartbreaking. When he starts getting low grades for failure to complete work, maybe things will start to click...Or else, maybe military school is what he needs (said half-jokingly) |
Anonymous
OP again. His school counselor and homeroom teacher both said that part of the middle school experience is indeed sometimes messing up and forgetting an assignment. We're not upset that suddenly, at 8:45 pm, he remembered an additional assignment. The issue that is worrying us is very strong resistance - accompanied by tantrums and nasty behavior - to following a very simple routine: Reviewing his agenda and going through paperwork that comes home (some of which is for us -- he likewise had a fit a couple of nights earlier about steps that his homeroom teacher sent home for us setting forth the things that we as parents need to do, i.e., review the agenda as a family, sort through paperwork). The sad, worrying thing for us is that this no longer seems to be about ADHD or learning disabilities. Rather, DS potentially may have some severe emotional and/or mental health problems. It's hard to think of another reason why DS is so resistant to following a basic routine or using accommodations that would be immensely helpful to him in navigating the challenges posed by his LD's. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think his reaction is not at all unusual (neither for an LD kid nor for a "typical" kid), and I wouldn't worry too much that it's reflective of some worsening of the diagnosis. Of course, I'm not a doctor, so if you are worried, you should obviously check it out, particularly if he is worsening in many ways rather than this one area.
You should not give up. You should also not let him fail, as this only makes the psychological drama worse -- I'm stupid self-talk often emerges, and a self-fulfilling failure prophecy develops. Middle school is a time when kids are trying to be more independent and schools and peers and parents are encouraging it. So, it probably feels like failure to him when you think you have to tell him what to do. It will also feel like failure to him when he doesn't do what he supposed and he really does fail. He is caught between a rock and a hard place. IME with my own GT/LD child, sometimes the suggestions I am making are not actually helpful. When I tell him how to organize instead of thinking thru the process with him, he is not very receptive. No one likes being ordered what to do. But, it is more than that -- often the suggestions aren't useful for him. Everyone bugs DC about writing in his planner, but the truth is his handwriting is SO BAD that he can't actually functionally write fast enough in such a small place in the book. So, when we come up with approaches together, they fit him better and he is more receptive. He also feels like I am criticizing when I remind him that he is supposed to be doing something -- something that he missed, something in a different way, etc. So, I have learned to vary how I deliver my criticism -- with humor, with drama, with funny voices, etc. This seems to take the sting out of it. We have changed in our house to focusing on thinking together about how to do a task, coming up with a plan and developing habits. Habits are consistent ways of doing things. When a habit is developed, you do things on autopilot by muscle memory, and attention and intent are largely taken out of the picture. Habits are every day -- same place for the backpack, same time to start homework, same tools for homework, same order of importance of homework, same signatures, etc. Building habits really requires careful thought about the environment and sequence of events that lead to the occurrence of an action. I love the book Habit which has some really powerful examples and tools to think about building and breaking habits. I model habit building as well myself, as well as encouraging our non-LD daughter to build good habits. Which also helps DC not feel like the "habit" talk is directed only at him. If there is too much baggage in your relationship with your DC, try hiring an executive function/academic coach to work with him to find and build the habits/work processes. He may be more receptive to hearing a similar message from someone who is not a family member and is an "expert". (Remember, we parents don't know anything, from our kids' perspective anyway). Maybe it would also be useful to visit a private school or two with him, so that he can see that other places are using the systems you are suggesting. |
Anonymous
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This is what I've done. Each day right after school my son must review his agenda and tell me what he has to do. I'm fine with vague responses. Then he must give me his plan for getting it done. He has to tell me what time he intends to start, where he intends to do his homework, whether he will need anything from me, and how he intends to spend his evening. Then he has to stick to his plan without me prompting. Usually on his own initiative he will set an alarm for the time he agreed to start. So long as he gets the work and turns it in, I stay out of it. We've been working on this since third grade and it has been working really well.
There are times where I don't like his plan and where I think his plan is going to be very difficult to achieve. But I allow it and process it afterwards. The most I ever do when he puts something together that I don't like is ask if he is sure about his plan and does he remember the last time he tried it and the difficulty he encountered. As far as letting your child fail, I don't think it's an all or nothing. Sure my son has occasions where he makes a bad plan and stays up far later than I would like to get the work done or when he does a half assed job because he waited too long. In that regard his plan didn't work. But he's got to learn how to manage his work without me and that will involve mistakes, bad judgment and incredible successes. |
Anonymous
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OP,
It's still early days and the transition back to school can be bumpy. I agree with PPs that I wouldn't exactly let him fail, and also try to establish work habits. My LD kid gives us unexpected push back on things he knows need to happen and that are routine. I think it's the combination of the LDs, anxiety, emerging puberty, and trying to assert independence. I would speak to the teacher and let her know the issue you're facing. Maybe there can be a quick sit down with the 3 of you to draw up a "contract" so to speak. Both he and you can sign on the dotted line to commit to following the agenda/homework review process every night. I'd also suggest positive reinforcement. Praise for following through on the review process. (Kazdin Method elaborates on this.) |
Anonymous
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I've got a 6th grader with ADHD/inattentive. We've been struggling with the issues your describe for a couple years now. What we've done, in calm moments - never in the heat of things, is discuss with DS what our expectations of him are. We coordinate with his teachers so he's getting a consistent message from both sides. We then tell/remind him that we'll be glad to work on a plan to accomplish these things if he wants but that it's ultimately his responsibility. We remind him of how he feels when it's time to leave for school and he hasn't finished his work and that having a plan will help prevent that. We also talk about failure and success - failure is not doing your best. Success is doing your best and learning from a situation even if it didn't turn out the way you want.
Now, we all know what happens next, right? His plan goes into action, he gets home from school, has his 45 minutes of free time and then throws a fit because I remind him it's time to start his homework. I remain emotionless (key, key, key) and matter of fact. 'You're responsible for your homework. I helped you develop this plan so you would succeed. It's your choice to implement it or not. But, I am not going to listen or help when you get worried/upset that your work isn't done. Choose wisely." I then tell him I will email his teachers about his behavior because I've agreed to keep them informed on homework challenges. I also don't want him to give them an excuse about not doing it. If he's sick or something happens that interferes with homework, I'll let them know that it wasn't through lack of effort on his part. I've been doing this for several years now and am starting to see some payoff. He'll still through fits but he knows that I'm not taking any responsiblility for his lack of action. If he chooses not to do it or do it poorly, he's seen the consequences. He's also seen the consequences of responsible behavior. He wasn't chosen for safety patrol at the end of 4th grade (rough year) but he was chosen at the end of 5th. He also wants to play 2nd base on his baseball team. He had some half-assed pratices and my DH told him that he wsnt' likely to be selected - that the practices are like try outs. If he's not putting effort into practice, it communicates he doesn't think it's important. The kid who shows it's important earns the spot. It's sometimes really hard to let him suffer the consequences of his actions but it's easier now than when he's older and the consequences are more dire. I look at it as I did the toddler years. It was difficult not giving into tantrums and instilling discipline in the kids. I hated leaving grocery stores or not doing things they liked because of their poor behavior. But, years later, it has sure paid off. The consequences for F'ing up in middle school are a lot less dire than in high school. Finally, we've been spending a lot of time talking about 'mindset'. DS tends to be overly critical of himself (he deserves some criticism but self-critiicism is an unfortunate area of overachievement for him) and tends to make the absolute worst conculsions from situations. Carol Dweck has written on 'mindset' http://mindsetonline.com/ and it's impact on achievement and resiliency. I read excerpts from the book to our kids. They find a lot of it boring but it actually has been working. I have no doubt will be talking about mindset for years but they know it's not just my opinion, it's based in research and has added gravitas. HTH. |
Anonymous
Thank you, PP. Your last point is interesting - it seems to us that DS has the opposite problem re mindset. He blames everyone but himself and won't own up to any sort of responsibility for his actions. It's always our fault, not his. The other interesting issue (and why we're concerned) is that our reminders indeed start out calm and pleasant but DS escalates everything into yelling and screaming. I, for one, try to walk away but that doesn't help. He'll follow us around and just won't relent. Glad to know that we're not alone in dealing with this. |
Anonymous
He already committed to a contract with us - but just won't follow it. His teachers have the same expectations for this process. |
Anonymous
My son was similar in 6th grade. By some miracle this year in 7th he is understanding better that his effort now puts him on a path towards college. Last year there was no understanding or interest in the purpose of school work. The Kazdin Method is an excellent book for behavior problems with very clear info on reward systems and how to trouble shoot them. There is clearly a lot of anxiety around school that your son has but this is a behavior problem overall. |
Anonymous
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Just a suggestion b/c my child is younger but has similar issues.
Have you looked at all boys' private schools for middle school? They tend to "get" tween boys better and many address executive functioning issues and organization as either a class onto itself and have it built into their curriculum. This is what we are planning to do for our DS when he reaches middle school. Having a small teacher to student ratio will be helpful too. Boys that age thrive on routine and clear expectations and all boys' schools seem to know that better than coed schools. |
Anonymous
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Somehow, you kid isn't owning the problem because part oft the problem is that he doesn't fit the mold you are trying to hammer him into. That actually is a big deal, and from his way of thinking, he doesn't want to do/doesn't see the need to do what you consider important. You can force the issue for another year, but why? In a year you will be locked in such conflict it may destroy your relationship forever.
See if you can find something with real tangible physical results for him to do: does he like cars? Help him learn auto repair. Wood/building/creating in that way? A lot of 6th graders can go to shop classes. Cooking/food? Find him a culinary course. Also, I'd still consider private school. Mostly because there, all the kids will be doing the same thing and he won't stand out. |
Anonymous
OP here - I see your point and disagree at the same time. There's no particular mold that we're trying to hammer him into - these are basic expectations. We're not trying to get him to, say, write a 2 page essay (he couldn't do that at this point). Moreover, they're not just our expectations - they're school's expectations as well. And having visited privates for kids with LD's last year (and DS actually spent part of a day at one), they have the same expectations. Keep an agenda. Go through it with your family. Let people work with you to prioritize what needs to be done. Our public middle school is asking for the same exec function skills that the private LD schools are -- and, like the private LD schools, they are working at explicitly teaching him these things. We actually are pleasantly surprised at how much his middle school is doing. It is early in the year and we know things can change/improve. DS has a number of non-school interests, at which he excels and in which he engages every week, so that's not lacking in his life either. |
Anonymous
Not an option for a boy with substantial learning disabilities. Besides, his school (and we) are trying to get him to follow a clear routine and expectations. Not trying to poo-poo people's suggestions - some of the perspectives here are quite helpful actually. |