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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've got a 6th grader with ADHD/inattentive.  We've been struggling with the issues your describe for a couple years now.  What we've done, in calm moments - never in the heat of things, is discuss with DS what our expectations of him are.  We coordinate with his teachers so he's getting a consistent message from both sides.  We then tell/remind him that we'll be glad to work on a plan to accomplish these things if he wants but that it's ultimately his responsibility.  We remind him of how he feels when it's time to leave for school and he hasn't finished his work and that having a plan will help prevent that.  We also talk about failure and success - failure is not doing your best.  Success is doing your best and learning from a situation even if it didn't turn out the way you want.

Now, we all know what happens next, right?  His plan goes into action, he gets home from school, has his 45 minutes of free time and then throws a fit because I remind him it's time to start his homework.  I remain emotionless (key, key, key) and matter of fact.  'You're responsible for your homework.  I helped you develop this plan so you would succeed.  It's your choice to implement it or not.  But, I am not going to listen or help when you get worried/upset that your work isn't done. Choose wisely."  I then tell him I will email his teachers about his behavior because I've agreed to keep them informed on homework challenges.  I also don't want him to give them an excuse about not doing it.  If he's sick or something happens that interferes with homework, I'll let them know that it wasn't through lack of effort on his part.

I've been doing this for several years now and am starting to see some payoff.  He'll still through fits but he knows  that I'm not taking any responsiblility for his lack of action.  If he chooses not to do it or do it poorly, he's seen the consequences.  He's also seen the consequences of responsible behavior.  He wasn't chosen for safety patrol at the end of 4th grade (rough year) but he was chosen at the end of 5th.  He also wants to play 2nd base on his baseball team.  He had some half-assed pratices and my DH told him that he wsnt' likely to be selected - that the practices are like try outs.  If he's not putting effort into practice, it communicates he doesn't think it's important.  The kid who shows it's important earns the spot. It's sometimes really hard to let him suffer the consequences of his actions but it's easier now than when he's older and the consequences are more dire.  I look at it as I did the toddler years.  It was difficult not giving into tantrums and instilling discipline in the kids.  I hated leaving grocery stores or not doing things they liked because of their poor behavior.  But, years later, it has sure paid off.  The consequences for F'ing up in middle school are a lot less dire than in high school.

Finally, we've been spending a lot of time talking about 'mindset'.  DS tends to be overly critical of himself (he deserves some criticism but self-critiicism is an unfortunate area of overachievement for him) and tends to make the absolute worst conculsions from situations.  Carol Dweck has written on 'mindset' http://mindsetonline.com/ and it's impact on achievement and resiliency.  I read excerpts from the book to our kids.  They find a lot of it boring but it actually has been working.  I have no doubt will be talking about mindset for years but they know it's not just my opinion, it's based in research and has added gravitas.  HTH.[/quote]

Thank you, PP.  Your last point is interesting - it seems to us that DS has the opposite problem re mindset.  He blames everyone but himself and won't own up to any sort of responsibility for his actions.  It's always our fault, not his.

The other interesting issue (and why we're concerned) is that our reminders indeed start out calm and pleasant but DS escalates everything into yelling and screaming.  I, for one, try to walk away but that doesn't help.  He'll follow us around and just won't relent.

Glad to know that we're not alone in dealing with this.[/quote]

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