Teasing vs. getting physical
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Anonymous
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My small 7 year old came home from school yesterday in tears. At recess, a friend of his squeezed him around his body for a long time and he couldn't breathe and got scared. The friend also squeezed his head/neck and hurt his ears. My son's twin witnessed this. So did some other kids but no one called the playground monitor. This has happened many times over the past two years. The "friend" is a very physical boys. He is very grabby and huggy and strong (he plays hockey). This drives me crazy. My children are small for their age. My kids always keep their hands to themselves but they do tend to tease other kids. My kids have also had their faces pushed into the snow to the point they can't breathe.
I wrote a note to the principal and the other parent. As expected, the other parent was defensive and said she would talk to her child, but that her child was upset too because my twins tease him and they won't stop and there are two of them and they gang up on him with the teasing and "then he gets physical. This is not to excuse his behavior; just to explain it." There is another big boy who also grabs and hurts my kids. The big boy is friends with her son. Her son and the big boy are often sent to the office. One of my twins has never been to the office. My other twin has been sent for being a class clown, never for hurting anyone. I think her point is BS. I wrote back and said, I have told my kids not to tease, BUT in my opinion, it is much, much worse to physically assault another child, esp. to the point where they are scared and can't breathe. If you are being teased, you can walk away. If you are being held in a vice grip, you are stuck. What do you all think? by the way, I have had her son over for many playdates and he gets upset easily. I think he has ADHD/anger problem. My twins are pretty easygoing. They don't have anger issues. They do tease but they are not mean and never ever hurt anyone physically. |
Anonymous
| I think both your kids are contributing to an ongoing problem and both sets of parents need to be in touch with the school to insist on appropriate supervision. Nobody should be betting hurt at all. And teasing needs to be addressed too. |
Anonymous
| This is a perfect example of there being multiple versions to any story. Op, you need to tell your kids to stop teasing others. No one should be physical with them either, of course, but what they are doing is just as wrong. |
Anonymous
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OP here..That is my point. I don't think it is the same. Yes, teasing is not good but I think physically assaulting another child is much, much worse.
All kids tease. The mean kid who squeezes my kids and pushes their faces in the snow until they can't breathe ALSO teases. but my kids keep their hands to themselves and I think that is the more important thing in terms of safety. There is a reason that "teasing" is not a crime but "assault - unwanted touching" is a crime. |
Anonymous
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I hate to break it to you--but your kids are getting what they deserve. This is called a natural consequence.
It's a pretty simple equation--- if you pick on people, some of them are going to get ticked off and lash out at you. The message to your son should be -- "i'm sorry that your friend lost his temper, I guess you shouldn't pick on him again." I would focus on that rather than whether it's "worse to tease or be physical." Yes, it would be lovely if all kids and adult could give your child a better consequence than pysical retaliation. But, in the real world, if you act like a jerk, occassionally you're going to meet someone that will call you out for your crappy behavior. In boy world that is occassionally going to be phsical. You are not doing your son any favor by trying to make his "friends" put up with his crap. Work with him to learn how to interact more appropriately and read the social cues to learn when he is crossing the line and to STOP when people are getting irritated. Querry--would you be happier if the boy that your kids was teasing marshalled all his friends to verbally tease your boys in retaliation? Would that be better? I have come across kids like yours in my son's grade. Their parents think they are the victims when they are really the instigators. Often the same parents, if they are around at all, have the nose in the I-phone and conveinently miss the crappy thing their kid did to irritate their "friends." |
Anonymous
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OP here..I don't have a smart phone. So I am not one of those parents. I never even take my "dummy" phone out of my purse except in an emergency to make a call.
I actually don't think my kids are the instigators. I can't stand violence. I can't stand these kids that grab and squeeze. My kids are funny; they tease. All kids tease. I actually don't think teasing is a big deal. BUT I do think reacting violently is a big deal. Why do you think this is natural consequences. It is not okay to physically hurt another child for any reason. My kids never ever physically hurt anyone. |
Anonymous
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OP, it's great that you are quick to defend your boys. But you need to stop for a second and LISTEN to what the other parent is saying.
Issue #1: the other boy is physically harming your sons. That needs to stop. No one is disputing this, and teasing doesn't mean your kids were asking for it.' Issue #2: your sons are ganging up on the other boy verbally. That also needs to stop. Yes, kids are prone to tease. They would also eat nothing but chocolate, watch TV 24/7 and use nothing but profanity, if we let them. It's our job to keep them from behaving badly, and your sons are behaving badly. As an issue separate from #1, you need to deal with your sons' behavior. |
Anonymous
| OP here..I also think the other kid (the "bully" for lack of a better term) has an anger issue; he blows up at the smallest thing. Once at a playdate, he got furious when my kids referred to him by his full name...not name calling, more just calling him his longer name..and he grabbed them and he got so incredibly made (huffing and puffing) that he needed to go home. I was like, really? My kids are very popular in school; they are very smart; I think they have high social E.Q. I think gentle joking is okay. To react violently when my kids are just joking around is not okay. (My kids are not saying super mean things; just jokey things. honestly. ) |
Anonymous
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Of course you don't think they were the instigators. The big kid just "randomly" attacked them (after they ganged up on him to tease him).
I think you should talk to the guidance counselor your key questions Don't all kids tease and isn't it always harmless? Shouldn't my twins be able to gang up on other kids to tease without fear of physical retaliation? Can you please take steps to ensure that my kids can tease others in a safer environment? |
Anonymous
| OP here..yes I agree with 13:28 that the teasing is a sep. issue but the other parent made it sound like my kids are equally to blame and deserved it. It is crazy. Her child needs to stop playing with my kids. More importantly, her child needs to stop TOUCHING MY KIDS. |
Anonymous
OP, you don't lack a better term than "bully." So let's stick with "other kid." And he isn't finding your sons' jokes funny. They are hurting him. He needs to learn that violence is absolutely not the answer. But your sons need to learn that, if they are hurting someone, even unintentionally, they should stop. They can be as jokey as they want with other kids, if they aren't getting upset. But this kid isn't finding their jokes to be funny, so they need to back off. |
Anonymous
OP, look at what you wrote:
The other mom is clearly stating that your kids aren't equally to blame or deserved it. You are becoming hyperdefensive. Yes, her child needs to stop touching your kids. Has anyone suggested otherwise? But your kids need to back off of this kid. |
Anonymous
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OP here...Kids can't push other kids into the snow and hold them down until they can't breathe. That is violent. Really and truly violent. Kids can't be allowed to "physically retaliate" ever.
I have no doubt that all the kids tease each other. BUT NO CHILD SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PHYSICALLY ASSAULT ANOTHER CHILD for any reason. that is ridiculous. I have three boys; my boys are physical and roughhouse with each other. BUT what these bullies do on the playground is a whole other thing. These other kids truly have anger issues. My kids would never push a kid into snow so he couldn't breathe. That is dangerous. If the kids who are doing this don't realize that, they have problems. |
Anonymous
OP please read this: EVERYONE HERE AGREES WITH YOU ON THAT POINT. NO ONE IS SAYING THAT IT'S OK THAT YOUR KIDS GOT PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED. However, you also need to talk to your sons about their behavior. WHICH IS NOT AS BAD AS PHYSICAL ASSAULT BUT WHICH STILL NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED. |
Anonymous
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OP here..the other kid needs to walk away. If he doesn't think my kids are funny, he needs to walk away.
Frankly, I think the other kid has issues if he can't take a little bit of teasing. My kids gets teased all the time and they don't blow up or react violently. They don't really care. Or they laugh. the old adage, sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me is very true. |