Teasing vs. getting physical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here..the other kid needs to walk away. If he doesn't think my kids are funny, he needs to walk away.

Frankly, I think the other kid has issues if he can't take a little bit of teasing. My kids gets teased all the time and they don't blow up or react violently. They don't really care. Or they laugh.

the old adage, sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me is very true.

Jesus Christ, OP. Why is it such a big deal to say the following to your sons: "What Johnny did to you guys is absolutely not ok, and if it happens again, I want you to XYZ. But it sounds like he's not taking your teasing well, even if you don't mean to be cruel. I want you guys to ease up on him. Not because it's your job to keep him from hitting you, but because now we know that what you're doing is hurting him, even if you don't mean to."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...Kids can't push other kids into the snow and hold them down until they can't breathe. That is violent. Really and truly violent. Kids can't be allowed to "physically retaliate" ever.

I have no doubt that all the kids tease each other. BUT NO CHILD SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PHYSICALLY ASSAULT ANOTHER CHILD for any reason.

that is ridiculous. I have three boys; my boys are physical and roughhouse with each other. BUT what these bullies do on the playground is a whole other thing. These other kids truly have anger issues. My kids would never push a kid into snow so he couldn't breathe. That is dangerous. If the kids who are doing this don't realize that, they have problems.

Kids obviously "can" do all of the above. This will not be the last time your kids interact with a child that has a short fuse. You should focus on teaching your children to not menace others with teasing and let the principal and the other parent worry about the other child's anger-management skills.

[Anonymous]

What's the snow stuff, OP? Do you live in Greenland? If there was some previous event, say last winter, you should have addressed it then. Now, all you can do is deal with the incident that just transpired: the "big kid" should not squeeze or otherwise hurt your children. And your children shouldn't tease. Period. End of story. Bilateral disarmament, everyone wins.

All your posts avoid any responsibility for your own children in this unpleasantness. The other mom is not ducking her child's responsibility; why are you so determined to exculpate your kids? Insisting that they are popular and have a "high social IQ" is beside the point. Lots of popular kids behave badly, or inappropriately, on occasion.

And btw the size issue is also irrelevant. Big kids are just as vulnerable to bullying as little ones. And verbal mistreatment can escalate to bullying, just as much as physical mistreatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My small 7 year old came home from school yesterday in tears. At recess, a friend of his squeezed him around his body for a long time and he couldn't breathe and got scared. The friend also squeezed his head/neck and hurt his ears. My son's twin witnessed this. So did some other kids but no one called the playground monitor. This has happened many times over the past two years. The "friend" is a very physical boys. He is very grabby and huggy and strong (he plays hockey). This drives me crazy. My children are small for their age. My kids always keep their hands to themselves but they do tend to tease other kids. My kids have also had their faces pushed into the snow to the point they can't breathe.

I wrote a note to the principal and the other parent. As expected, the other parent was defensive and said she would talk to her child, but that her child was upset too because my twins tease him and they won't stop and there are two of them and they gang up on him with the teasing and "then he gets physical. This is not to excuse his behavior; just to explain it." There is another big boy who also grabs and hurts my kids. The big boy is friends with her son. Her son and the big boy are often sent to the office. One of my twins has never been to the office. My other twin has been sent for being a class clown, never for hurting anyone.

I think her point is BS. I wrote back and said, I have told my kids not to tease, BUT in my opinion, it is much, much worse to physically assault another child, esp. to the point where they are scared and can't breathe. If you are being teased, you can walk away. If you are being held in a vice grip, you are stuck.

What do you all think?

by the way, I have had her son over for many playdates and he gets upset easily. I think he has ADHD/anger problem. My twins are pretty easygoing. They don't have anger issues. They do tease but they are not mean and never ever hurt anyone physically.

OP I agree that kids should keep their hands to themselves and that physically hurting someone is worse than teasing. *However* my son has come home, not wanting to return to school due other kids teasing him. Words are very hurtful, and some kids do not have the maturity to deal with hurtful words amd may lash out. That is the reality- I think that people are reacting to you "brushing off" the teasing with an "all kids tease" point of view. The physical behavior needs to stop *and* the teasing needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here..the other kid needs to walk away. If he doesn't think my kids are funny, he needs to walk away.

Frankly, I think the other kid has issues if he can't take a little bit of teasing. My kids gets teased all the time and they don't blow up or react violently. They don't really care. Or they laugh.

the old adage, sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me is very true.

Obviously the other kid is wrong to react the way he did and hurt your boys. Obviously. Nobody disputes this at all that I have seen. But, if what your boys are saying to the other kid is something that he finds hurtful rather than funny... then that is where the line is and your boys need to respect that and not tease him in that way again. Our rule is that teasing is OK as long as the person being teased finds it funny too, but once they don't then it is rude and hurtful and it is not OK anymore. Of course teasing is something all kids do, and many kids joke around with their friends and give as good as they get, but everyone has a different level of sensitivity and this is a good opportunity for you to guide your boys through how to be respectful of someone else's limits.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have yet to acknowledge that your children need to control themselves a well. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote back and said, I have told my kids not to tease, BUT in my opinion, it is much, much worse to physically assault another child, esp. to the point where they are scared and can't breathe. If you are being teased, you can walk away. If you are being held in a vice grip, you are stuck.

What do I think? I don't like how you compared the two behaviors. If teasing is wrong, then it is wrong. There is no "but" about it. When did you tell your kids not to tease? Did they comply? What are you doing to follow up?

If physically assaulting another child is wrong, then it is wrong. No need to qualify it by saying the person can't walk away compared with other infractions. It's just wrong.

My opinion is that a third party to mediate between you and the other parent would be useful in this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here..I am not going to go see a mediator; I am not going to spend a couple of hours in some sort of touchy-feely mediation session (I am not going to pay for some such and I wouldn't go even if it was free.) Um, this isn't rocket science. It is a simple issue. These kids are in 2nd grade.

I am going to tell my kids to stop teasing and the other parent can tell her kid to KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF.

I am also going to have the principal and the playground monitor and/or teachers do the same. Maybe I will put signs up on the playground - KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. DO NOT SUFFOCATE OTHER CHILDREN. DO NOT SQUEEZE OTHER CHILDREN.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are at least half of the problem. You don't see teasing or name-calling as an issue? What if the other mom walked up to you and said "You are a complete moron and a raging BITCH". Now do you see a problem?

Your kids are teasing. They need to stop. The other kids need to stop as well. But you need to address THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR OWN CHILDREN and your willingness to try to ignore that.

God, you're a complete nightmare. I wish someone would stick your face in the snow.

[Anonymous]

OP here...i am not ignoring the teasing...I have and I will tell my kids not to tease.

But kids talk to each other all day long. How the heck am I going to police that? Johnny, you made a joke about a book; Barry, what was your response? Was that appropriate? Hmm, let's analyze that. maybe your joke was 60% funny and 20% mean and 20% silly. Maybe you could have re-worded that. Here is an example...

It is very hard to police what a bunch of 7 year olds talk about...and honestly, my kids are not always the instigators. BUT it is not very hard to police physical violence.

DO NOT TOUCH EACH OTHER. This is easy and simple.

Maybe the other kids are just simply bullies.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids are the bullies. They are starting it and the other kid is finishing it. And for what its worth, since your kids are starting it, I think the other kid is justified to stand up and not take the abuse, even if that mean hitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are the bullies. They are starting it and the other kid is finishing it. And for what its worth, since your kids are starting it, I think the other kid is justified to stand up and not take the abuse, even if that mean hitting.

OP here..I think that is essentially the other mother's position and I think she is wrong. My child COULD NOT BREATHE. He has been squeezed many, many times and the other kid will not let up. he has had his face pushed and held in the snow. The other kid has an anger problem. The other kid is also aDhd.

My kids aren't angry kids. They are nice kids. They never physically attack anyone. One is a ham; a class clown. he is not mean. he is quick witted and funny. So what if he teases. He should not be physically abused because he teases. If the other kid doesn't want to play with him, walk away.

[Anonymous]

I like OP's approach, my children get to psychologically damage the other children because they is hard to police. If the other children have a problem if OP's boys, they need to run away from them.

OP face it, your kids are the bullies. The only reason they are not being physical is because the other child is bigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...i am not ignoring the teasing...I have and I will tell my kids not to tease.

But kids talk to each other all day long. How the heck am I going to police that? Johnny, you made a joke about a book; Barry, what was your response? Was that appropriate? Hmm, let's analyze that. maybe your joke was 60% funny and 20% mean and 20% silly. Maybe you could have re-worded that. Here is an example...

It is very hard to police what a bunch of 7 year olds talk about...and honestly, my kids are not always the instigators. BUT it is not very hard to police physical violence.

DO NOT TOUCH EACH OTHER. This is easy and simple.

Maybe the other kids are just simply bullies.

I don't know. How do you keep them from using profanity? How do you keep them from stealing? How do you keep them from using racial slurs?

A: by parenting.

[Anonymous]

My advice...if you don't want your pipsqueak twins to get their asses kicked tell em to watch who they mouth off to.