Cut out one parent...how to deal with loss of the good parent
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Anonymous
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My therapist and DH both agree I need to cut my mother out of my life until she can realize she needs help for an undiagnosed mental disorder. After another one of her abusive and completely over the top verbal assaults last night, I am realizing that I need to follow through with cutting her out.
My question is, I love my dad. He's a great guy and will stand up for me. Only issue is he can only do so much because he needs to protect himself from being on the receiving end of her tirades and abuse. DS is 2 and had a special bond with my dad. It will kill me that we can't be close to my dad. And it's a big part of why I am struggling to cut her out. But my therapist (and DH) are worried she will just continue and push me to my full breaking point. Just looking for some BTDT advice or commiseration or something. I've been in tears since last night. |
Anonymous
| If your dad is actually a good parent, then he wants your mental health. You say he "cannot" stand up for you beyond a certain point because he had "has to" protect himself. That is a lie you have told yourself to justify his behavior. The reality is, that he loves you enough to stand up for you up to a certain point, but that he too is dysfunctional in that he chooses to continue to be married to your mother. If he actually sees the mental health issues that she has and is not willing to leave that relationship if that is what it takes to provide a stable and loving parent relationship to his child, then that is what he is choosing. No one has forced him to be in this dysfunctional relationship, and if you were old enough to be married with a two-year-old, then any idea that he was staying to provide a stable home for his child is over. You need to protect yourself, and if he actually values his relationship with you and with your two-year-old then he will find a way to make it continue even if it means that he to has to cut off your mother. If his desire to have her in his life is more important than his desire to have you and his grandchild in his life, then that is his choice. But please know that you will in no way be limiting his contact with you or cutting off that relationship. You are simply making inconvenient for him to play both sides. |
Anonymous
| I think 8:48 is being too harsh. Your mother sounds awful, and you say your dad does stand up for you, but he is also a victim of her abuse. Is it possible to maintain some relationship with your dad separate from your mom? Phone calls, letters to his work address, skype, etc. Maybe outings that your mother doesn't know about? Expecting your father to divorce your mother is expecting a lot of another person. Only he can know what his marriage vows meant to him. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks pps. While I do agree I'm making some excuses for my dad, he's been dealing with this for 40 years so I can only imagine how much she has broken him. He's retired and has a neurologically degenerative disorder, so divorcing isn't quite an option for him. I can likely get together with him separately, although i don't want to set him up for abuse from my mom because of it. I still have a lot of work to do before I'm fully ok with cutting her out (still in that extreme guilt phase) so hopefully it will get easier and I will be able to think more clearly soon! |
Anonymous
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I think you have to let your father decide what he wants to do. You can tell him that you will no longer be around your mother, but you very much want to preserve and support his relationship with your child. Then have a list of things he and your family or your child can do together.
Try as much as you can to provide opportunities for those kinds of things and then leave it up to him. It's a hard choice for him, certainly, but if he's been surviving these dynamics with your mother for decades then he has some sort of coping mechanism for managing it. (I have some similar dynamics w/ my parents. My father is the one I have to keep at arms lenght, and with whom all contact is very carefully monitored. My mother has lots of contact w/ my kids without my dad and she and I both figure out ways to make that happen.) FWIW, one of the tools we use a lot, which may or may not help with you, is Skype. We skype w/ my mom all the time at times when we know my dad is not around. Perhaps over time you will figure out ways you can allow a bit of highly controlled contact so it doesn't have to feel quite so extreme, but your family - meaning your husband and kids - have to come first. You're doing the right thing to protect them. |
Anonymous
Not to be harsh, but your dad is responsible for what he is willing or NOT willing to take from your mom. As often happens in these types of situations, you have become "his" parent. Not your responsibility. Take care of yourself and your child, let your dad know that you want a relationship with him and are willing to be there for him, but don't throw yourself under the bus to do it. He needs to get into therapy pronto. |
Anonymous
I have a lot of psychiatrists and therapists in my life and not a single one would be willing to diagnose someone they had never met solely upon a patient's perception of that person. You may need to cut ties but to say she has an un diagnosed mental disorder--not something a good therapist would say. |
Anonymous
Yeah those battered wives sure deserve it don't they. |
Anonymous
Nothing I said implied battered women OR husbands "deserve " bad treatment. Don't be an idiot, practice reading comprehension. Plus, go to an AL ANON. meeting and you could learn something! |
Anonymous
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should you talk to your dad about cutting your mom out. just a way to discuss with him how you wabt to maintain a relationship with him and your child, etc. obviously i wouldnt do this until just before you tell your mom bc you dont want her hearing it from someone else.
i have distanced myself from my mom but havent cut her out. its greatly affected my relationship with my dad. |
Anonymous
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In a similar situation, but it's my dad I have restricted and my mom I tried to keep a relationship with. I offered opportunities to have her come up solo, meet for lunch or dinner so she could see the kids, but she never took me up on them. We lived 25 miles away.
I hope it works better for you, but for me, it was another loss to grieve when she chose my dad's disfunction over having a relationship with her daughter and grandkids. We then moved out of the area, so the possibility for local meet ups no longer exists. She came up once right before we moved, nearly two years after the estrangement, but now the kids haven't seen her in more than two years. I try to understand that I have no idea what goes on inside anyone else's marriage, that I don't know what he would do or say to her to keep her from coming to see us....but it still hurts. They appear to very codependent and now have health issues (they're both around 70). She still writes letters a couple of times a year, and sends presents to the kids for their birthdays. I send photos to her email address, and try to help her keep in touch with them. But she hasn't called since we moved and has ignored my hints at Skype (which I know they have since they've used it for years with my nephew). Hopefully your dad will be able to respond the separate means of communicating with you and your family. If not, sometimes you just have to let go of the idea you had for what your parents would be like as grandparents. Regardless of the reason why, that's not a fun process. |
Anonymous
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OP, I did not read the other responses. I can only give you my experience.
My dad died young. My mom was/is very spoiled. When they had an empty nest, and became older (not old), dad became very ill. When he became ill, he became less strong. He was no longer able to tell my mother to "save it" (toward me), because he was battling for his life. She was supposed to be taking care of him. She had a boyfriend. Dad did not know, I am certain. Dad and I had always been the closest in the family. It really saddened me that he was sick, and had to change, out of his sickness. But it gave me perspective that I was saying goodbye to him. I don't know if this helps you. But if you are the closest to your dad in the family, do what you can to maintain your relationship with him. Talk to him on the phone every day, hear his voice. FaceTime. Let your child see and know him. Do what you can to minimize her noise, but don't break your father's heart. GL. |