How Do I Deal With All Of This Toxic Anger??! Grr.....
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I was in a very physically and verbally abusive relationship for the latter part of last year. The police were involved and it was basically seven months of pure hell.
Thankfully (!) I made it out unscathed and alive, and 2014 has been a great year for me. Things have been going well for me at work and my life in a nutshell has returned to normal and is now very stable. I have no contact w/my ex and he leaves me alone as well and everyone has moved on. Well sorta. My problem....? You see, I still have a ton of residual anger I cannot get rid of. During our relationship he did some pretty mean things to me that still piss me off pretty bad when I think about them. When I remember how he trapped me in my house many times & wouldn't let me out or all the other times he would take my car and park it somewhere and not tell me, then hide my keys...For some reason, it still makes my blood boil. Why should this affect me still? This stuff happened last year? It's like...Get over it! Yet, I have this desire to find him and freakin' get some kind of revenge on his loser ass....Not anything violent...Just...I don't really know... He also destroyed a lot of my personal belongings which still remind me of what he did to me. For example, he cracked my windshield in my car and everytime I see the crack I get pissed remembering what he did. He also punched a few holes in my bedroom walls when he was drunk and angry and I still have them to look at every day. How do I get past all of this damn residual anger????? 
|
Anonymous
| Well, start by getting the windshield replaced and the holes repaired. But congratulations on extricating yourself! |
Anonymous
| My guess is that this to some extent is your way of wanting to retroactively fight back. Go through the scenarios in your mind and redo them, "If anyone ever does X to me again, I won't do A again. This time I will do B. I will not be a victim again." Remind yourself that you are now in control. |
Anonymous
both responses are good advice. |
Anonymous
|
Boxing classes?
I'm so glad you got out. So many women do not leave. |
Anonymous
|
Time. Therapy. More time.
Anger is as destructive as it is because it is NOT easy to process. Especially if you've been abused, and prohibited from expressing your anger "in the moment" and/or directly. You're not at all odd for feeling the way you do, and it will ease with time. Don't stuff it, don't hide it because it's not "nice" or socially acceptable. Find healthy, positive ways to vent it and channel it. Take a kickboxing class. Run (more). Journal. Write "Dear You:" letters and then bury or burn them. Give yourself the opportunity to get angry and let it go. |
Anonymous
|
The best revenge is to be happy and successful in your own life.
Hurting him will not make you feel better. It will not erase the things that have already happened. And it could get you into trouble. If he is leaving you alone, it's probably best to reciprocate |
Anonymous
|
It's safe now to be angry with him. You couldn't react before, you were numb because it wasn't safe. You couldn't defend yourself. Now you are in a safe place and all those feelings are coming out. He's gone now (for the best of course) so he's not there to channel that anger to.
Write him a letter. Tell him exactly what you would do if he ever does that again. You would take steps a, b, and c. You would call the police. You would have a spare key. You would call a locksmith. You would call a lawyer. You would leave and go to a hotel. Whatever. Write the letter. And read the letter. Reassure yourself that this could not happen to you again. |
Anonymous
NP here. But don't send the letter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Anonymous
| Don't pay for therapy until you've paid to fix your windshield and walls. It'll do just as much good. |
Anonymous
| ^^ true !!^^ |
Anonymous
|
I read somewhere, that you shouldn't fight it. Feel it and allow it to pass through. A good comparison is how animals deal with it. They react when they are threatened or in danger. When the danger passes, they shrug it off(literally) and go back to normal. Only humans carry the burden long after.
I feel you are blaming yourself for how your ex treated you, in some innate sense. You need to separate your experiences from who you are as a person( beautiful, calm, loving, who deserves a good life). How your ex reacted is his burden, issue, not yours. Don't question your experiences either ( why me!) . Just trust that it was for your long term growth. I sound like a preacher  but that's my take on it.
|