whats the core issue in your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.

Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.

and this:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.

I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!

I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.

I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.

That’s an interesting article. Thank you for posting. Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone. I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue. I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage. It turns out this is everywhere.

This article resonated with me. This was my morning this morning (and most mornings)>>> So, a typical story I would hear would be the woman who would say: "In the morning I'm rushing around, I'm getting lunches together, I'm helping the kids finish up their homework and making sure everyone's wearing socks. And my husband sits there drinking his coffee on his phone. He doesn't do it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what's going on around him."

Hm. I am a wife who sits there drinking coffee. The reason is that I strongly object to my DHs insistence on doing everything and not making our kids do any work or chores. Our kids are teens, tweens, and almost-tweens. They absolutely can make their own lunches. They can fix their own breakfast. Frankly, I think they should. At their age, I was doing far more than just making my lunch/breakfast, and my kids don't even do that when DH is around. When my DH travels for business, I tell the kids that they need to pitch in, and it's so much better. As it turns out, the kids are perfectly capable of doing chores.

This is an issue in my marriage, that my DHs anxiety and controlling streak is handicapping our kids. He will unload dishes they put in the dishwasher because they're not organized to DHs liking. He is a hoarder and won't let the kids toss their own old art projects without his green light (I am pretty sure he is angry at me that I absolutely will not check in with him before decluttering, but at least has the sense to not say anything to me). I make the kids do their own laundry. He fumes because they "take too long," but that's because he will just swoop in and do it for them.

I read things like this, and I really wonder what the real dynamic is. I am not going to participate in this controlling infantilization of our kids and want them to be marginally competent at house chores, but from the outside: yes, I just sit there and drink my coffee.

I hate these responses.
No. I am not super controlling about how the dishwasher is loaded, how dinner is prepared. I am open and welcome to suggestions. If anything, it’s my husband who is highly critical of it because he has never done it before and doesn’t understand how difficult it can be to get these things done sometimes.
But in the end, someone has to pick kids up from school or arrange aftercare. Someone has to relieve the nanny on time. Someone has to wash the dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

Listen to her. She’s saying how she feels. For many women, sex starts in their mind. If their mind is so occupied, it sometimes makes it hard to fill it with something else. My previous experience as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong? 2 yrs ago he tells me he's functionally illiterate and my being pissed and feeling stupid for not knowing.

Early on I took care of all details concerning money, retirement planning, buying house, taxes, insurance...all the stuff that matters for a stable future. When kids came along, I could still handle it all until my career took off and kids moved into teenage years and needed more than just him being their social secretary and chauffeur. As I asked him to take on some of the financial details and decisions for kids future (FAFSA, CSS Profile or just completing something of the darn forms for ANYTHING...he always needed "help" to get it done. Constantly asking, "can you show me". Nobody showed me a darn thing, I just got online and figured it out. Even our teenage kids got sick of him always asking for "help" to find this, or do that. Ugh!!.

I chalked it up to him being too lazy and it being my fault bcse I did it all before. I stayed bcse of kids and now that they are launched I told him I was leaving, he asked way, I gave list of reasons (all of which I had been saying for 8 YEARS!!). That's when he spills the beans that he CAN read, but doesn't know what a lot of stuff means. WTF? Was I so desperate for a mate 30 years ago that I could not see that?

He's a great dad and would give you the clothes off his back. He has no motivation and recently his self confidence and esteem seems to have left. However, he swears he is so HAPPY. What I see is a man happily content in his mediocrity. I knew it was truly over when I asked if he was going to find a literacy program and he said - why?

You will owe him alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Well, if you value your married, stop doing all that! Or, continue prioritizing your kid's underwear, knowing that your husband will simply find another woman who IS in the mood. The choice is yours, just don't come back here all shocked and bitter about your wandering husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.

Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.

and this:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.

I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!

I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.

I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.

That’s an interesting article. Thank you for posting. Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone. I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue. I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage. It turns out this is everywhere.

This article resonated with me. This was my morning this morning (and most mornings)>>> So, a typical story I would hear would be the woman who would say: "In the morning I'm rushing around, I'm getting lunches together, I'm helping the kids finish up their homework and making sure everyone's wearing socks. And my husband sits there drinking his coffee on his phone. He doesn't do it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what's going on around him."

Hm. I am a wife who sits there drinking coffee. The reason is that I strongly object to my DHs insistence on doing everything and not making our kids do any work or chores. Our kids are teens, tweens, and almost-tweens. They absolutely can make their own lunches. They can fix their own breakfast. Frankly, I think they should. At their age, I was doing far more than just making my lunch/breakfast, and my kids don't even do that when DH is around. When my DH travels for business, I tell the kids that they need to pitch in, and it's so much better. As it turns out, the kids are perfectly capable of doing chores.

This is an issue in my marriage, that my DHs anxiety and controlling streak is handicapping our kids. He will unload dishes they put in the dishwasher because they're not organized to DHs liking. He is a hoarder and won't let the kids toss their own old art projects without his green light (I am pretty sure he is angry at me that I absolutely will not check in with him before decluttering, but at least has the sense to not say anything to me). I make the kids do their own laundry. He fumes because they "take too long," but that's because he will just swoop in and do it for them.

I read things like this, and I really wonder what the real dynamic is. I am not going to participate in this controlling infantilization of our kids and want them to be marginally competent at house chores, but from the outside: yes, I just sit there and drink my coffee.

I hate these responses.
No. I am not super controlling about how the dishwasher is loaded, how dinner is prepared. I am open and welcome to suggestions. If anything, it’s my husband who is highly critical of it because he has never done it before and doesn’t understand how difficult it can be to get these things done sometimes.
But in the end, someone has to pick kids up from school or arrange aftercare. Someone has to relieve the nanny on time. Someone has to wash the dishes.

Make him do the dishwasher. Shuts my SO every time. Having a stay at home parent coddle him, clean everything, etc, has been really difficult to untrain because there is a knee-jerk resentfulness reality is no longer responding to the entitlement his family cultivated. Basic things like dishes had to be reframed as hallmarks of adult/manhood. Don't tolerate the criticism. No jerkoff or twat behavior should be directed at a family member over these minor things.

[Anonymous]

If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Pro tip to man whose wife will do it but never wants it. Get over it! Most wives don’t really want sex (with husband), they just do it to stay married. She’s doing her part (is uninterested but willing) so you do i yours (make it quick). This is just how marriage works.

Right, I get it. I know but would it kill her to put on a show once a month and not act like I am bothering her? It's why affairs are so powerful, to actually have a night where you can't wait to get each other naked.

I agree. Having six with an uninterested person is AWFUL. Wife here.

OMG does this whole thread make me so glad I never married!

Sounds like there are a lot of miserable people out there.

I posted earlier in the thread (about the mental labor) and I do want to say that I'm actually extremely happy in my marriage and I am grateful for it every day of my life. This post asked what my biggest issue was so I posted it. I'm sure that being single is not 100% perfect all of the time? No life choice is, in my experience.

Totally cool if marriage is not for you but I would hardly use this thread as an overview of what a marriage is. My marriage has added more to my life than anything I have ever done, by leaps and bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

And, in fact, being in the mood would stop her from being distracted by those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

Listen to her. She’s saying how she feels. For many women, sex starts in their mind. If their mind is so occupied, it sometimes makes it hard to fill it with something else. My previous experience as well.

Men often don't trust these responses because what women say makes them attracted to a man doesn't comport with their lived experience about what seems to actually attract women in the real world. And, you know, it's all anecdotal with any number of confounding variables, so maybe the reality is that women truly do get sexually interested when men do chores or whatever. But the perception is that women aren't exactly breaking down doors to jump the bones of dutiful husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

Listen to her. She’s saying how she feels. For many women, sex starts in their mind. If their mind is so occupied, it sometimes makes it hard to fill it with something else. My previous experience as well.

This, but thanks to the dudes that think they know how I feel.

I adore my husband. He is a wonderful partner and dad. But we are in the trenches with few opportunities to connect one on one lately. It will get better but it’s hard right now.

[Anonymous]

^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

Listen to her. She’s saying how she feels. For many women, sex starts in their mind. If their mind is so occupied, it sometimes makes it hard to fill it with something else. My previous experience as well.

Nah. A woman who wants to fsck you isn't going to get distracted. That urge will drive everything else out of her mind.

It's only bored married women whose minds get "occupied" by distracting nonsense, but this is a symptom, not a cause, of them not wanting sex with their husband.

And all married women get bored eventually. It's only a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

Make him do the dishwasher. Shuts my SO every time. Having a stay at home parent coddle him, clean everything, etc, has been really difficult to untrain because there is a knee-jerk resentfulness reality is no longer responding to the entitlement his family cultivated. Basic things like dishes had to be reframed as hallmarks of adult/manhood. Don't tolerate the criticism. No jerkoff or twat behavior should be directed at a family member over these minor things.

If you are a stay at home spouse, IT IS YOUR JOB to cook, clean, do the dishes, take care of kids, etc. Stop being useless, lazy, and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's cool for men to think cheating is the answer to not getting sex from his wife, then women should start hiring another nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper etc for not getting help with what she needs from DH and that would be ok with the man right?

It depends. If she is a SAHM then no, she should not hire a nanny, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper because all those things are HER JOB. He does his job outside the home, she should do her job inside the home and quit whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so tired of doing all the *thinking* going into keeping our family and household running. This is why I’m not in the mood — my mind is too caught up in figuring out who needs a prescription refill, what permission forms need to go back, and whether the kids need new underwear.

Nah, you've got it backwards. You're just not attracted to your DH any more, so now your mind is making up a big cloud of distractions. If you were attracted to your DH, none of that crap would stop you from "being in the mood".

Listen to her. She’s saying how she feels. For many women, sex starts in their mind. If their mind is so occupied, it sometimes makes it hard to fill it with something else. My previous experience as well.

Men often don't trust these responses because what women say makes them attracted to a man doesn't comport with their lived experience about what seems to actually attract women in the real world. And, you know, it's all anecdotal with any number of confounding variables, so maybe the reality is that women truly do get sexually interested when men do chores or whatever. But the perception is that women aren't exactly breaking down doors to jump the bones of dutiful husbands.

Hahahaha, no they don't.