Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some cases, the SAHP enables the other parent to be a high performer at work. Longer hours, work travel, working from home, and so on. That’s what it was in my case. My DH did a lot of travel and I stayed home while he worked his way up to partner. In our case it all went south and ihe held it against me that I was a “leech,” so it really depends on your relationship. Ours wasn’t super strong and whether I worked or not would’ve been held against me. But at least this way we have a lot more assets to divide up in the divorce.

Make sure your kids understand what you do. If you can add something external the home, even better. Volunteering. Don’t always be at their beck and call for whatever they need. Make it clear to them you have your own thing going on, and yes, the main thing is running the family and taking care of the family’s needs. Make sure that your spouse is conveying this in his words and actions as well.

If all else fails, I like the suggestion to just take a vacation from all you do for a week!

This is so true. Men with sah wives have an unfair advantage at work as compared to families where both spouses work. Their career advances so faster because they can focus all their energy to it. I can’t imagine how much more I would get done at work if I could devote 100 percent to my job and have my spouse take care of all the house and kid duties!

Unfortunately there’s no way we can compete with those guys because of the burden of doing it all. As a result, the sahm indirectly perpetrates old status quo, patriarchal dynamics in the workplace.

It's not the woman's fault, but men with wives who stay home are the absolute WORST bosses in the workplace. In my experience, they also talk a shockingly high amount of shit about their wives which was eye opening to me as a younger woman in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

Wow what a nasty response! You really make sahms look petty af with this sort of vitriol.

I’m a working single mom. And I still think that post is smug AF.

If you were on a team of 8 coworkers, and 7 of you are pretty average people and agreed that making 18-19 widgets was about the reasonable limit each person could make each day without rushing and being able to take time for breaks. Then the 8th person puts herself on SuperDrive never taking breaks and working through lunch every day making 30 and tells everyone they are lazy. Everyone would hate that coworker.

That poster has a lot of energy and executive function, and seems to be able to make it work by only having one kid and being able to do some housework on her WFH days, and I won’t begrudge her that. It’s her dismissive “It’s easy, what’s wrong with you?” attitude that rubs me the wrong way.

Look I’m trying to respond to the idea that people keep bringing up that they stay home because working parents have messy houses, kids can’t do activities and are constantly eating fast food. Then these posters keep raising the bar - oh well I make most things from scratch and grow some of our food. I felt pretty well placed to respond to say hey, actually, working parents do these things too. I do them, and I am single with full custody even. I also don’t think I am exceptionally high functioning?

I’ve just always been organized and becoming a single mom has forced me to become even more organized. There are so many tasks you can stretch out for hours or do in 5 minutes. Like what is the one poster doing who spends one hour a day organizing sports equipment??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

…but you aren’t busy all day. There is no world where someone spends five hours a week, every week, booking appointments or answering rsvps for birthday parties. The fact that someone wrote that with a straight face is incredulous.

Listen dumbass. I worked for decades and I know for a fact that the vast, VAST majority of WOHMs aren’t “busy all day” either. So what the hell is your actual point?

NP. The previous poster presented this as a serious answer when asked what she does while her kids are at school. I believe the actual point is the answer strains credibility.

The poster was saying things she does. If you took that to mean that she is filling every minute of every day doing those things, I struggle to understand how you are able to function in a job that has a list of tasks/responsibilities a mile long. Do you think that you are required to do everything that falls under your purview all the time? Of course you don’t.

I honestly can’t tell if some of you are being deliberately obtuse.

This made me laugh. She was asked how she fills her days and then she answers the question very confidently and asserts this takes her a set number of hours per day and your takeaway is of course this isn’t how she’s actually filling her time. And we are obtuse?

I guess it’s back to asking how a SAHM really fills the day then.

Well you have at least answered the question as to whether or not it’s deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

…but you aren’t busy all day. There is no world where someone spends five hours a week, every week, booking appointments or answering rsvps for birthday parties. The fact that someone wrote that with a straight face is incredulous.

Listen dumbass. I worked for decades and I know for a fact that the vast, VAST majority of WOHMs aren’t “busy all day” either. So what the hell is your actual point?

Well, I'm not the PP, but every WOHM at my job is "busy all day." We're lawyers. But I'm not surprised you have a job where people are sitting around contributing nothing.

LOL. Lawyers contribute nothing on a good day. On a bad day y’all actively make society worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

Wow what a nasty response! You really make sahms look petty af with this sort of vitriol.

I’m a working single mom. And I still think that post is smug AF.

If you were on a team of 8 coworkers, and 7 of you are pretty average people and agreed that making 18-19 widgets was about the reasonable limit each person could make each day without rushing and being able to take time for breaks. Then the 8th person puts herself on SuperDrive never taking breaks and working through lunch every day making 30 and tells everyone they are lazy. Everyone would hate that coworker.

That poster has a lot of energy and executive function, and seems to be able to make it work by only having one kid and being able to do some housework on her WFH days, and I won’t begrudge her that. It’s her dismissive “It’s easy, what’s wrong with you?” attitude that rubs me the wrong way.

Look I’m trying to respond to the idea that people keep bringing up that they stay home because working parents have messy houses, kids can’t do activities and are constantly eating fast food. Then these posters keep raising the bar - oh well I make most things from scratch and grow some of our food. I felt pretty well placed to respond to say hey, actually, working parents do these things too. I do them, and I am single with full custody even. I also don’t think I am exceptionally high functioning?

I’ve just always been organized and becoming a single mom has forced me to become even more organized. There are so many tasks you can stretch out for hours or do in 5 minutes. Like what is the one poster doing who spends one hour a day organizing sports equipment??

Exactly no one said or even implied the bolded in this thread. Are you insane or just stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some cases, the SAHP enables the other parent to be a high performer at work. Longer hours, work travel, working from home, and so on. That’s what it was in my case. My DH did a lot of travel and I stayed home while he worked his way up to partner. In our case it all went south and ihe held it against me that I was a “leech,” so it really depends on your relationship. Ours wasn’t super strong and whether I worked or not would’ve been held against me. But at least this way we have a lot more assets to divide up in the divorce.

Make sure your kids understand what you do. If you can add something external the home, even better. Volunteering. Don’t always be at their beck and call for whatever they need. Make it clear to them you have your own thing going on, and yes, the main thing is running the family and taking care of the family’s needs. Make sure that your spouse is conveying this in his words and actions as well.

If all else fails, I like the suggestion to just take a vacation from all you do for a week!

This is so true. Men with sah wives have an unfair advantage at work as compared to families where both spouses work. Their career advances so faster because they can focus all their energy to it. I can’t imagine how much more I would get done at work if I could devote 100 percent to my job and have my spouse take care of all the house and kid duties!

Unfortunately there’s no way we can compete with those guys because of the burden of doing it all. As a result, the sahm indirectly perpetrates old status quo, patriarchal dynamics in the workplace.

What? Of course you can. Just have your husband stay home, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some cases, the SAHP enables the other parent to be a high performer at work. Longer hours, work travel, working from home, and so on. That’s what it was in my case. My DH did a lot of travel and I stayed home while he worked his way up to partner. In our case it all went south and ihe held it against me that I was a “leech,” so it really depends on your relationship. Ours wasn’t super strong and whether I worked or not would’ve been held against me. But at least this way we have a lot more assets to divide up in the divorce.

Make sure your kids understand what you do. If you can add something external the home, even better. Volunteering. Don’t always be at their beck and call for whatever they need. Make it clear to them you have your own thing going on, and yes, the main thing is running the family and taking care of the family’s needs. Make sure that your spouse is conveying this in his words and actions as well.

If all else fails, I like the suggestion to just take a vacation from all you do for a week!

This is so true. Men with sah wives have an unfair advantage at work as compared to families where both spouses work. Their career advances so faster because they can focus all their energy to it. I can’t imagine how much more I would get done at work if I could devote 100 percent to my job and have my spouse take care of all the house and kid duties!

Unfortunately there’s no way we can compete with those guys because of the burden of doing it all. As a result, the sahm indirectly perpetrates old status quo, patriarchal dynamics in the workplace.

What? Of course you can. Just have your husband stay home, obviously.

Or you hire help. Money solves all problems…I know many high income, dual earners and they pay for a nanny (live in with some).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

Wow what a nasty response! You really make sahms look petty af with this sort of vitriol.

I’m a working single mom. And I still think that post is smug AF.

If you were on a team of 8 coworkers, and 7 of you are pretty average people and agreed that making 18-19 widgets was about the reasonable limit each person could make each day without rushing and being able to take time for breaks. Then the 8th person puts herself on SuperDrive never taking breaks and working through lunch every day making 30 and tells everyone they are lazy. Everyone would hate that coworker.

That poster has a lot of energy and executive function, and seems to be able to make it work by only having one kid and being able to do some housework on her WFH days, and I won’t begrudge her that. It’s her dismissive “It’s easy, what’s wrong with you?” attitude that rubs me the wrong way.

Look I’m trying to respond to the idea that people keep bringing up that they stay home because working parents have messy houses, kids can’t do activities and are constantly eating fast food. Then these posters keep raising the bar - oh well I make most things from scratch and grow some of our food. I felt pretty well placed to respond to say hey, actually, working parents do these things too. I do them, and I am single with full custody even. I also don’t think I am exceptionally high functioning?

I’ve just always been organized and becoming a single mom has forced me to become even more organized. There are so many tasks you can stretch out for hours or do in 5 minutes. Like what is the one poster doing who spends one hour a day organizing sports equipment??

Exactly no one said or even implied the bolded in this thread. Are you insane or just stupid?

Read.the.thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

You do realize that working families do all this too?

You SAHMs, in your desire to justify your choice to not work - which is AOK btw! - make it seem like if you did work your house would be in shambles, you’d eat out every night, and no one would ever go to the doctor.

What are you teaching them by telling them the world would fall apart if both parents work?

You and your spouse are choosing to do the equivalent of three full time jobs which is A-OK btw! SAHMs and their spouses choose to do the equivalent of two. It’s not complicated and no one is staying home AT you…

I like this explanation actually. All the same work is getting done by working families and families with a SAHM.

I’ve done all of the combinations of SAHM, WOH, and WAH and the short answer to this is no, it isn’t. All of the same work isn’t being done. I took my role as SAHM very seriously with growing some of our own food, careful budget and nutrition-conscious meal planning and execution that simply isn’t reasonably possible with 2 parents working fully out of the home, with commutes. That is only one example. I could also not be nearly as involved in my kids school and activities as a full time WOH mom. Not even close.

While theoretically possible, if you are saying the “same work is being done” that means either a pretty lazy SAHM or a WOHM who doesn’t do any self care or have even 20 minutes of time for herself. Neither of which are things to aspire to.

I am one of the single moms who posted above. I work full time, more than 40 hours a week. My house is clean. My laundry is done. My kid is in several activities. I am really passionate about eating a wholesome diet and I like gardening, so I grow some of our food, and make most of our food from scratch including bread for school lunches, waffles for breakfasts, crackers, and all of our dinners. I'm going to be honest, I do not think I could possibly do more than I already do even if I stayed home, I would just have A LOT more time to prioritize my own hobbies and interests and I could do things more slowly. It's absolutely a trade off. For example, I still manage to get in 4 workouts a week, but instead of having a leisurely time going to a class at a boutique studio, I either block my lunch on a wfh day and get it done, or wake up early and do it.

How old are you? How many hours do you sleep? What drugs are you on? How old is your child, and do you have full custody? Whatever you are doing for 40 hours a week must be pretty low key because no way a normal job leaves someone with enough energy to be doing all that.
Also you come off like a smug b1tch craving external validation for how hard you work and how you have it all together in spite of being a single mom.

Who on earth wants get up to drop off their kid, work a full day, pick up the kid, go home and then spend the evening on a very full second shift with no partner to share the workload?
Making your own crackers, WTF.

You likely don’t have time for friends, which checks out because your smug, unrelateable attitude probably keeps most people away.

Wow what a nasty response! You really make sahms look petty af with this sort of vitriol.

I’m a working single mom. And I still think that post is smug AF.

If you were on a team of 8 coworkers, and 7 of you are pretty average people and agreed that making 18-19 widgets was about the reasonable limit each person could make each day without rushing and being able to take time for breaks. Then the 8th person puts herself on SuperDrive never taking breaks and working through lunch every day making 30 and tells everyone they are lazy. Everyone would hate that coworker.

That poster has a lot of energy and executive function, and seems to be able to make it work by only having one kid and being able to do some housework on her WFH days, and I won’t begrudge her that. It’s her dismissive “It’s easy, what’s wrong with you?” attitude that rubs me the wrong way.

Look I’m trying to respond to the idea that people keep bringing up that they stay home because working parents have messy houses, kids can’t do activities and are constantly eating fast food. Then these posters keep raising the bar - oh well I make most things from scratch and grow some of our food. I felt pretty well placed to respond to say hey, actually, working parents do these things too. I do them, and I am single with full custody even. I also don’t think I am exceptionally high functioning?

I’ve just always been organized and becoming a single mom has forced me to become even more organized. There are so many tasks you can stretch out for hours or do in 5 minutes. Like what is the one poster doing who spends one hour a day organizing sports equipment??

Exactly no one said or even implied the bolded in this thread. Are you insane or just stupid?

Read.the.thread.

Read a dictionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

It's not "a debate" about who does more. That's obvious. Not up for debate. It isn't the SAHMommies.

Only in the US do people want a medal for bragging about how busy they are.
Leisure time is valued in most of the world

This is not about being busy. This is about how a capable, well educated woman can and ought to contribute to society beyond her nuclear family once the children are teenagers and there are no extenuating circumstances. Frankly, none of the excuses is particularly compelling. And the attempts to justify SAHMs under these circumstances are laughable. Just admit that you care more about the lifestyle than you care about contributing to society, that your higher ed degree was a bit of a waste on you, that you don't care that much about setting an example to your own kids about women holding professional status in the workforce, and that you are ultimately not that troubled by the economic risks of SAH. It's the utter intellectual dishonesty of SAHMs that amuse me.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM when my children were small. But what do sahm of teenagers do during the day would be a genuine question I’d have.

Practice and sports in our region are all in the evening after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

It's not "a debate" about who does more. That's obvious. Not up for debate. It isn't the SAHMommies.

Only in the US do people want a medal for bragging about how busy they are.
Leisure time is valued in most of the world

This is not about being busy. This is about how a capable, well educated woman can and ought to contribute to society beyond her nuclear family once the children are teenagers and there are no extenuating circumstances. Frankly, none of the excuses is particularly compelling. And the attempts to justify SAHMs under these circumstances are laughable. Just admit that you care more about the lifestyle than you care about contributing to society, that your higher ed degree was a bit of a waste on you, that you don't care that much about setting an example to your own kids about women holding professional status in the workforce, and that you are ultimately not that troubled by the economic risks of SAH. It's the utter intellectual dishonesty of SAHMs that amuse me.

What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

It's not "a debate" about who does more. That's obvious. Not up for debate. It isn't the SAHMommies.

Only in the US do people want a medal for bragging about how busy they are.
Leisure time is valued in most of the world

This is not about being busy. This is about how a capable, well educated woman can and ought to contribute to society beyond her nuclear family once the children are teenagers and there are no extenuating circumstances. Frankly, none of the excuses is particularly compelling. And the attempts to justify SAHMs under these circumstances are laughable. Just admit that you care more about the lifestyle than you care about contributing to society, that your higher ed degree was a bit of a waste on you, that you don't care that much about setting an example to your own kids about women holding professional status in the workforce, and that you are ultimately not that troubled by the economic risks of SAH. It's the utter intellectual dishonesty of SAHMs that amuse me.

This is your opinion, but it’s really none of your business. This is the same as someone clucking their tongue at a mom of an infant that she “ought” to stay home and not let strangers raise her baby. That’s also none of your business (or mine).

As for finances, I don’t really get this argument. Presumably the couple has savings. Joint & individual bank accounts. Investments. The woman has degrees. In the event of a divorce, assets are split, there is alimony, and the woman goes to find a job with her degree. Not saying it’s easy, but it’s certainly not as though she’s likely to be out on the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

It's not "a debate" about who does more. That's obvious. Not up for debate. It isn't the SAHMommies.

Only in the US do people want a medal for bragging about how busy they are.
Leisure time is valued in most of the world

This is not about being busy. This is about how a capable, well educated woman can and ought to contribute to society beyond her nuclear family once the children are teenagers and there are no extenuating circumstances. Frankly, none of the excuses is particularly compelling. And the attempts to justify SAHMs under these circumstances are laughable. Just admit that you care more about the lifestyle than you care about contributing to society, that your higher ed degree was a bit of a waste on you, that you don't care that much about setting an example to your own kids about women holding professional status in the workforce, and that you are ultimately not that troubled by the economic risks of SAH. It's the utter intellectual dishonesty of SAHMs that amuse me.

DP here and correct, I only care about myself and my family. Don’t you? My working or not working has zero impact on society. That’s true for most careers, unless you’re a world-renowned physician or researcher or something at that level. Which I certainly am not, and I’m assuming you aren’t either just by virtue of the fact that there are very few people in those fields.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... what do you do all day when they are in school? They are teens - go back to work.

This is very insulting. Let me enlighten you:
My kids (one elementary and one middle school) have different school start and end times so it ends up they are both gone 6 hours on school days. Here is what I “do all day” as you so condescendingly put it:
Hour 1: clean up kitchen, do dishes, start first of many loads of laundry, tidy house (I clean my own house so every day I do a deep clean in one room/bathroom)
Hour 2: walk dog, switch out laundry, continue any unfinished cleaning
Hour 3: grocery store (one of 4 places I shop)
Hoot 4: put groceries away, start prepping dinner, switch out laundry
Hour 5: make appointments for family, respond to all kid-related emails (sports, bday invites, doc appointments)
Hour 6: prep sports bags/clothes/car snacks/ water bottles for kids afternoon activities

Then I go pick up my kids and my SECOND SHIFT of parenting begins. This lasts about 6-7 hours, driving them to activities, walking dog again at those locations, then at home making dinner, feeding everyone, cleaning up kitchen, helping with homework, overseeing bedtime routine, doing the social-emotional bonding they both want every night, until actual bedtime.

So this is how I look at it, and it’s how my husband describes my life: I basically have 2 part time jobs, totaling 14 hours of total work. The first is running the household and the second is the hands-on parenting.

Hope this helps everyone reading this thread to understand that SAHPs deserve respect. This is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job can you think of that comes with no training, very little resources or support, no sick days, no days off, no pay, and very little appreciation?

So you cook, clean, do laundry and grocery shop. Most working people do this too. Like, I don’t get why you think this is such an accomplishment?

DP. I don't understand why this is such a debate or a competition about who's better or does more. Nobody is saying all the things a SAHP does can't get done by parents working outside the home. Someone asked what the SAHM does all day and she (and others) answered the question. Why? Because working parents don't seem to believe that SAHPs are busy at all and just sit around half the day.

Goody for you for doing it all. And good for the SAHPs who do all that they do. What many SAHPs here aren't including is all their volunteer activities around their kids' schools and activities, which can be as much as part-time to full-time-work-equivalent.

It's not "a debate" about who does more. That's obvious. Not up for debate. It isn't the SAHMommies.

Only in the US do people want a medal for bragging about how busy they are.
Leisure time is valued in most of the world

This is not about being busy. This is about how a capable, well educated woman can and ought to contribute to society beyond her nuclear family once the children are teenagers and there are no extenuating circumstances. Frankly, none of the excuses is particularly compelling. And the attempts to justify SAHMs under these circumstances are laughable. Just admit that you care more about the lifestyle than you care about contributing to society, that your higher ed degree was a bit of a waste on you, that you don't care that much about setting an example to your own kids about women holding professional status in the workforce, and that you are ultimately not that troubled by the economic risks of SAH. It's the utter intellectual dishonesty of SAHMs that amuse me.

This is your opinion, but it’s really none of your business. This is the same as someone clucking their tongue at a mom of an infant that she “ought” to stay home and not let strangers raise her baby. That’s also none of your business (or mine).

As for finances, I don’t really get this argument. Presumably the couple has savings. Joint & individual bank accounts. Investments. The woman has degrees. In the event of a divorce, assets are split, there is alimony, and the woman goes to find a job with her degree. Not saying it’s easy, but it’s certainly not as though she’s likely to be out on the street.

1) Are you new to DCUM? This website is all about opinions and no one's personal business. Welcome.
2) Are you naive? Some couples have savings, but I'd bet that many in this area are house poor. Most women who have few career prospects face a decline in lifestyle after divorce while husbands actually tend to fare better. Look up the peer-reviewed studies, and don't just rely on anecdotes or your personal sample size of n=3. Also, divorce is not the only possible strain here. Husbands lose their jobs (have you been reading the news lately?), get sick, and die.