My mother is arriving today: words of advice please

[Anonymous]

My mother is en route and will be arriving today. She will only be staying with us for a couple of days, then will stay with some of my husband's family.

I am full of anxiety, internally. My mother and I get along just fine, and she is a decent person in the present day. Our issues are complicated, though, and have to do with horrible decisions she made long ago that unfortunately still spill into the present day.

I have always kept her at arms length (easy to do since she lives 1000 miles away). My husband's family, however, have invited her to stay with them for a whole month (I am due with my daughter any day now). The fact that I now have no control over her visits with me does not help.

I guess I am looking for coping strategies. It drives me crazy having her around. My husband and I are introverted types, anyway, and my mother is the opposite so sometimes just doesn't get it. Originally she just assumed that she would be staying with us for a month, so I have been successful at setting boundaries with her about her visit.

I try to remind myself that she is weak and needy, which actually does help me to let go of some of the animosity I have toward her. And I have gone to therapy, which helped some, but no amount of therapy is ever going to heal things completely due to the ongoing nature of the situation.

If you are in a similar situation, how did you get through it? I want to find a way to make it work so I am not fretting about all of this during the first few weeks of my daughter's life.

[Anonymous]

Can you say more about why your inlaws invited your mother? Had you already told her "no" to a month-long visit? Is she planning to just sleep there but spend most if her waking hours at your place?

Does she drive? If so, then you are within reason to put limits on how much time she spends with you each day. explain that you want alone time with your baby, to catch up on sleep, to just recharge and relax.

Do you have any other family in the area who could spend time with her? Or within a short train it bus ride, so she could make a side trip to them during the month. If you have a super-best friend, have your friend take her to lunch and take her shopping at Buy Buy Baby. It's kind of your inlaws, since presumably they are hosting her for your sake (even if it's misguided!). Don't hesitate to have your husband get involved and run interference. Lastly, if she's around so much, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TREAT HER LIKE A GUEST! Put her to work--maybe make up a list beforehand of things she could do, like laundry, meals, etc.

Good luck, OP, and when all else fails just focus as much as you can on your new baby.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I mistyped what I meant: Even if she doesn't drive, you can still set those limits!

[Anonymous]

Identical situations OP. Keep in mind that TEN months of pregnancy heighten your emotions so if you're up to it, try to carve out time for yourself in your house; close your bedroom door, explain that you need time to rest and relax, go to a restaurant for lunch, etc... Also ask your DH if he could keep her occupied when he notices that you made need a minute to yourself and with your new baby. He needs to run interference for you but you have to be clear with him on what you need and when.

Lastly, I've been to therapy, prayed, cried and everything else. Conclusion drawn... my mother hasn't and she isn't changing so I imagine what it would be like if my mother was no longer with us and that helps me cope and put things in perspective. She's getting older, slowing down a bit so I also keep that in mind. I do love her very much and I tell myself that everyday. I've also decided that my mother did the best she could the best way SHE knew how. My grandmother was a tough cookie, my mother didn't know her father and I think she just didn't get what she needed from her family.

Good luck with the baby and try to make the best of your time with her.

[Anonymous]

"My husband's family, however, have invited her to stay with them for a whole month "

I don't get this. Where does "them" live. With you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Identical situations OP. Keep in mind that TEN months of pregnancy heighten your emotions so if you're up to it, try to carve out time for yourself in your house; close your bedroom door, explain that you need time to rest and relax, go to a restaurant for lunch, etc... Also ask your DH if he could keep her occupied when he notices that you made need a minute to yourself and with your new baby. He needs to run interference for you but you have to be clear with him on what you need and when.

Lastly, I've been to therapy, prayed, cried and everything else. Conclusion drawn... my mother hasn't and she isn't changing so I imagine what it would be like if my mother was no longer with us and that helps me cope and put things in perspective. She's getting older, slowing down a bit so I also keep that in mind. I do love her very much and I tell myself that everyday. I've also decided that my mother did the best she could the best way SHE knew how. My grandmother was a tough cookie, my mother didn't know her father and I think she just didn't get what she needed from her family.

Good luck with the baby and try to make the best of your time with her.

Thank you for your advice (OP here). I do try to remind myself that she did the best she knew how. The main issue currently is her husband of 20 years who has acted very inappropriately toward me in the past. I refuse to visit their home and have not seen him in many years. I don't even want her to leave him necessarily, but it is a constant reminder.

But you are right. My mother likely didn't get what she needed from her family, and like I mentioned is weak and needy. Telling myself "it has nothing to do with you" does help. I *know* I am not doing myself any favors by continuing to stew over it, but those feelings just won't seem to go away.

I just feel like everyone I've tried to set boundaries with is descending upon me with the birth of my baby and it gets overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My husband's family, however, have invited her to stay with them for a whole month "

I don't get this. Where does "them" live. With you?

OP here. No, my husband's family does not live with us, but they live in the same area (about 25 minutes away). My mother will be staying with them for the majority of her visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you say more about why your inlaws invited your mother? Had you already told her "no" to a month-long visit? Is she planning to just sleep there but spend most if her waking hours at your place?

Does she drive? If so, then you are within reason to put limits on how much time she spends with you each day. explain that you want alone time with your baby, to catch up on sleep, to just recharge and relax.

Do you have any other family in the area who could spend time with her? Or within a short train it bus ride, so she could make a side trip to them during the month. If you have a super-best friend, have your friend take her to lunch and take her shopping at Buy Buy Baby. It's kind of your inlaws, since presumably they are hosting her for your sake (even if it's misguided!). Don't hesitate to have your husband get involved and run interference. Lastly, if she's around so much, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TREAT HER LIKE A GUEST! Put her to work--maybe make up a list beforehand of things she could do, like laundry, meals, etc.

Good luck, OP, and when all else fails just focus as much as you can on your new baby.

OP here -- thanks. I am hoping she will take a side trip and drive the 4 hours to see some other family members.

I do not plan on having my mother sitting on my couch all day with her e-cigarette, staring at me while I breast feed. While setting boundaries is not always easy, the alternative is much more uncomfortable!

[Anonymous]

Make her go on the side trip!

[Anonymous]

Do your ILs have any idea what they have gotten themselves into? Have you told them you don't necessarily want your Mom (or them!) at your house every day? I can just see, your mom AND MIL trooping over every day wanting that precious little time your newborn is happy and awake.

I think you missed an opportunity to be frank with your MIL and ask her not to get involved between you and your mom without talking to you first--and remember you can ask your mom to go home early if things go terribly.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your ILs have any idea what they have gotten themselves into? Have you told them you don't necessarily want your Mom (or them!) at your house every day? I can just see, your mom AND MIL trooping over every day wanting that precious little time your newborn is happy and awake.

I think you missed an opportunity to be frank with your MIL and ask her not to get involved between you and your mom without talking to you first--and remember you can ask your mom to go home early if things go terribly.

Good luck.

I *think* my MIL will keep things in check. She is generally pretty good about that sort of thing. If not, I'll have no problem setting boundaries. I am getting better and better at that. I have already talked to my mom about how baby will be spending the bulk of her time with me the first few weeks, and about all the benefits of lots of skin-to-skin contact between mom and baby (for both of us), etc.

I will have to spend some time with her, though, obviously, which always makes me anxious. Serenity now. It will be okay.

And about my MIL, she and my mother are besties now, I really have no control over it. MIL knows about my issues but is a Polyanna.

[Anonymous]

I have some really difficult dynamics w/ my dad OP, and having my kids really made me face and think about some of them. But it also helped me clarify things in my own head, and even view him more compassionately.

Definitely remember that it's not all about you - she is who she is, with all of her flaws, and she was that person before you even existed. She's been who she is for so long that there is nothing (likely) you can do to change her or her behavior significantly. BUT, what is different now is that you're an adult, and you're about to be a parent. You can decide to do things differently than she did, you can set boundaries that work for you and your family, and you are fully empowered to do what is best for you.

Hang on to that. I find that feeling powerless (which was a major part of my dynamic with an extremely overbearing and autocratic father) was a lifelong problem. But when I found a way to feel more separate, on an equal adult footing, it became infinitely easier to just walk away from unpleasant conversations, or refuse to engage, or to say "I understand, but this is my child, my husband, and my home - and this is my decision. You don't have to like or even understand it, but you do have to respect it."

Good luck OP. Sounds like you're already making a good start. Congratulations on the baby!

[Anonymous]

Wow. Overstepping bounds by your in laws. When I had my baby, the last thing I needed was my complicated mother. best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Overstepping bounds by your in laws. When I had my baby, the last thing I needed was my complicated mother. best of luck, OP.

+

But to your other comment- yes, you cAn control her visits to you. It's your house, your baby, etc. Stick to boundaries, if you don't want her there say so and don't allow her to come over. If she pops up all the time, don't answer the door, don't answer the phone etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make her go on the side trip!

+1
Call your nearby family and ask them to invite her for x number of days. I'd even pay for a car rental if I were in your shoes.