My mother is arriving today: words of advice please

[Anonymous]

Make her go on the side trip!

[Anonymous]

^^sorry for posting this twice! I guess I, and my phone, feel strongly about it!

[Anonymous]

Here is some advice to get you through life. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT TO YOURSELF. What is wrong with you that you are still carrying a grudge over decisions she made years ago? God help your DH and children. I have a sister just like you and we haven't seen or spoken in years because she lives in the past. You have children and they need a grown-up for a mother GROW UP!

[Anonymous]

Buffers! I use friends and family members as buffers. I also try to plan "errands" or distractions. Assign your Mom some tasks to keep her busy - making some meals, cleaning shopping for something, etc.
Please get wrapped up in the joy of your baby and try your best to ignore your Mom. Having her at your inlaws will help you out. And keep your visits short by blaming your tiredness on the baby.

[Anonymous]

I think all you can do is nicely give your ILs the heads up and then relax. Control what you can and let go of what you can't.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is some advice to get you through life. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT TO YOURSELF. What is wrong with you that you are still carrying a grudge over decisions she made years ago? God help your DH and children. I have a sister just like you and we haven't seen or spoken in years because she lives in the past. You have children and they need a grown-up for a mother GROW UP!

You sound like a nasty person. You have no clue what the issues are.

[Anonymous]

This may sound morbid, but I have a lot of friends who don't have mothers or fathers or in laws, they wish they could have some of the drama back to spend more time with their family. So when I'm having issues with my mom or I'm dreading a visit from the in laws, I imagine how I would feel if they were dead and how insignificant my anxiety over a visit or a miscommunication may be. Not belittling your feelings at all, but sometimes putting it in perspective can be helpful. You may find that your mom somehow becomes very helpful when you have the baby, if she doesn't think to on her own, try to practice asking things like "mom, do you mind vacuuming the living room? It would be a huge help" and then lavishing praise and thanks on her when she completes the task. Sounds simple, but it will keep her useful and help you and you stroke her ego all in one shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you say more about why your inlaws invited your mother? Had you already told her "no" to a month-long visit? Is she planning to just sleep there but spend most if her waking hours at your place?

Does she drive? If so, then you are within reason to put limits on how much time she spends with you each day. explain that you want alone time with your baby, to catch up on sleep, to just recharge and relax.

Do you have any other family in the area who could spend time with her? Or within a short train it bus ride, so she could make a side trip to them during the month. If you have a super-best friend, have your friend take her to lunch and take her shopping at Buy Buy Baby. It's kind of your inlaws, since presumably they are hosting her for your sake (even if it's misguided!). Don't hesitate to have your husband get involved and run interference. Lastly, if she's around so much, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TREAT HER LIKE A GUEST! Put her to work--maybe make up a list beforehand of things she could do, like laundry, meals, etc.

Good luck, OP, and when all else fails just focus as much as you can on your new baby.

OP here -- thanks. I am hoping she will take a side trip and drive the 4 hours to see some other family members.

I do not plan on having my mother sitting on my couch all day with her e-cigarette, staring at me while I breast feed. While setting boundaries is not always easy, the alternative is much more uncomfortable!

Oh Lordy. That sounds awful. Side note about the cigarette, "e" or otherwise: she needs to take her cigarette break outside. I totally don't understand why people use the "it's just VAPOR" excuse as a pass to smoke everywhere (dinner table, airplanes, waiting rooms). I smoke , btw (gross I know) but even I know the e cigarette thing around a baby is effing ridiculous. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is some advice to get you through life. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT TO YOURSELF. What is wrong with you that you are still carrying a grudge over decisions she made years ago? God help your DH and children. I have a sister just like you and we haven't seen or spoken in years because she lives in the past. You have children and they need a grown-up for a mother GROW UP!

You sound like a nasty person. You have no clue what the issues are.

+1 and many times though the situation changes over years, the personality factors that caused the people to make the bad decisions is still around. Old habits die hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is en route and will be arriving today. She will only be staying with us for a couple of days, then will stay with some of my husband's family.

I am full of anxiety, internally. My mother and I get along just fine, and she is a decent person in the present day. Our issues are complicated, though, and have to do with horrible decisions she made long ago that unfortunately still spill into the present day.

I have always kept her at arms length (easy to do since she lives 1000 miles away). My husband's family, however, have invited her to stay with them for a whole month (I am due with my daughter any day now). The fact that I now have no control over her visits with me does not help.

I guess I am looking for coping strategies. It drives me crazy having her around. My husband and I are introverted types, anyway, and my mother is the opposite so sometimes just doesn't get it. Originally she just assumed that she would be staying with us for a month, so I have been successful at setting boundaries with her about her visit.

I try to remind myself that she is weak and needy, which actually does help me to let go of some of the animosity I have toward her. And I have gone to therapy, which helped some, but no amount of therapy is ever going to heal things completely due to the ongoing nature of the situation.

If you are in a similar situation, how did you get through it? I want to find a way to make it work so I am not fretting about all of this during the first few weeks of my daughter's life.

Sorry you are stressed. I don't want to make you feel badly but I have a young daughter and we are so close and I would be so so sad if she felt this way about me ever. I hope you find some resolution with your mom and are able to find a way to enjoy her for your own sanity and peace of mind. Set friendly boundaries but maybe this is a new beginning. I was close with my father and he passed away and I have been heartbroken ever since. You don't want to have regrets. Best of luck.