What Did She Know and When Did She Know It

[Anonymous]

I just found out that my teenage daughter discovered that my DH was having an affair. I have confronted DH, but I really want to ask my DD what did she know, when did she know it and why did she hide if from me. Do you think this is appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

how do you tell your mom that? Can you imagine how this changed her feelings about her dad? I wouldn't make her talk about it.

[Anonymous]

No. This is between you and DH. Keep your daughter out of it.

[Anonymous]

^^^or rather, between you and H. I'm guessing he's not so D at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to both you and your daughter. What horrible thing for her to deal with. Family secrets are the worst.

[Anonymous]

My friend found out from her son that he knew for year before she knew. The classy affair couple would take him to dinner with them. Nice!

Anyway... the way she found out is he screamed it at the top of his lung... I HAVE KNOW HER FOR YEARS... YEARS.... YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it seems like he sort of needed to get this off his chest. I was there. It was literally the most heart wrenching think I have seen... and I have seen a lot.

WHO puts a secret like that on the shoulders of a child. Filth... Filthy ruthless ugly people.....

So I would talk to a counselor about it... but after my friend son blew ... they sad down and my friend basically said (with the help of a therapist)...

I am sorry that adults put you in that situation. You do not have to protect me from anything, I am an adult and I am strong and I can handle this. I am going to be fine and I am going to live an amazing life, even though right now I am sad. Being sad is a normal feeling during change and loss of a marriage. I will never stand between you and your father. I want you to love your father and have a wonderful father/son relationship. In the future, if any adult asks you to keep a secret and you don't want to you don't have to. Adults should never ask a child to keep a secret. For now on you can tell (name of therapist) or Aunt Betty (the child's safe person) if there is something you need to tell an adult but are afraid to tell your mom and dad. I love you... We will be fine. HUGS!

Don't ask your daughter anything. Get a therapist. You can say, you can tell me anything you want to tell me, I already know. But don't ask specifics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^or rather, between you and H. I'm guessing he's not so D at the moment.

There are lots of "D" words that would apply here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. This is between you and DH. Keep your daughter out of it.

+1M

Do NOT involve your DD in this, at all. Ever.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am tremendously sorry that your husband had an affair.

Please don't confront your daughter. I can say from personal experience that this can cause terrible harm. Your husband's affair is not your daughter's fault, and if she did know before you, she may have felt tremendous guilt, or a desire to protect you from deep devastation, sadness, etc.

My dad had an affair - with a close family friend. It was absolutely awful for my mom. My sister and I were teenagers. It was awful for us too. We all felt tremendously betrayed. My parents separated and then divorced. It took a long time for my sister and me to be able to have a relationship with our dad, and to trust men in general. The thing that kept us relatively sane was having a good relationship with our mom.

I am sure everythng would have been even worse if my mom had confronted my sister or me regarding the affair, and whether we had known of it, etc. Truly, this is between you and your husband. He owed you his fidelity, and it is with him you should be angry. Not your daughter.

Please know that ultimately my mom remarried a wonderful person. And my dad married the woman with whom he had the affair. Everyone is in a better place now.

I recommend therapy, for you and for your daughter. Take care of yourself and try to preserve your relationship with your daughter at this extremely hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how do you tell your mom that? Can you imagine how this changed her feelings about her dad? I wouldn't make her talk about it.

+1

And marital issues should never be her burden to bear- even just being supportive or otherwise. Crappy if your DH knew that your DD knew and made her keep that on her shoulders.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the others. I do think you should talk to her about it as she may be really struggling with some aspect of it and internalizing it. She may not want to burden you more so she may not want to start the conversation but if you asked a few questions to let her know it is okay if she wants to talk to you, that would be a good thing. Keep your own emotions out of your conversation with her, other than her knowing that this is really hard for you.

She isn't you telling her about it. She already knows somehow. She may have read or seen things that are replaying over and over in her mind. Talking to her about what she knows may be very supportive to her.

[Anonymous]

OP

I am 10:49 above. My father used to "confide" his dissatisfaction with my mom in me when I was a teen. It was awful. I don't know that he ever had an affair, but he let me know she was not good enough for him ( he didn't talk overtly about sex, more about nonsexual things).

Anyway it was a terrible burden for me.

You are hurting and in a very bad place yourself, but please be a strong mom for your daughter. You both need help and support.

Praying for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the others. I do think you should talk to her about it as she may be really struggling with some aspect of it and internalizing it. She may not want to burden you more so she may not want to start the conversation but if you asked a few questions to let her know it is okay if she wants to talk to you, that would be a good thing. Keep your own emotions out of your conversation with her, other than her knowing that this is really hard for you.

She isn't you telling her about it. She already knows somehow. She may have read or seen things that are replaying over and over in her mind. Talking to her about what she knows may be very supportive to her.

But look at the title of this thread - OP is not in a good place to be opening up a conversation with her daughter so DD can work through her emotions. OP already has her emotions in it. That's understandable, but OP cannot (right now) be the safe place for her daughter to confide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out that my teenage daughter discovered that my DH was having an affair. I have confronted DH, but I really want to ask my DD what did she know, when did she know it and why did she hide if from me. Do you think this is appropriate?

Your husband is having an affair and it's your DAUGHTER you want to make answer for it??? Most people focus this sort of inappropriate urge on the other woman. Get your head on straight, op! You need to talk to your daughter, but not like this! I guarantee she has felt terrible for knowing and now feels terrible that YOU feel terrible and is worried about her family. What the hell are you thinking to even consider having this conversation with her? I know it is hard because it feels like the problem in your life is your marriage right now, but this is a key parenting juncture for you. Please get therapy or whatever you need to do to do right by your kid/s.