What Did She Know and When Did She Know It

[Anonymous]

OP

10:49 again.

Perhaps you have other issues with your daughter ( who doesn't with teens). Please don't combine those issues with this. Your husband fundamentally violated the implicit contract we have with our kids - whatever her other behavior issues, etc. - you need to help her heal from that violation before you deal with anything else.

You are in a tough place - good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am tremendously sorry that your husband had an affair.

Please don't confront your daughter. I can say from personal experience that this can cause terrible harm. Your husband's affair is not your daughter's fault, and if she did know before you, she may have felt tremendous guilt, or a desire to protect you from deep devastation, sadness, etc.

My dad had an affair - with a close family friend. It was absolutely awful for my mom. My sister and I were teenagers. It was awful for us too. We all felt tremendously betrayed. My parents separated and then divorced. It took a long time for my sister and me to be able to have a relationship with our dad, and to trust men in general. The thing that kept us relatively sane was having a good relationship with our mom.

I am sure everythng would have been even worse if my mom had confronted my sister or me regarding the affair, and whether we had known of it, etc. Truly, this is between you and your husband. He owed you his fidelity, and it is with him you should be angry. Not your daughter.

Please know that ultimately my mom remarried a wonderful person. And my dad married the woman with whom he had the affair. Everyone is in a better place now.

I recommend therapy, for you and for your daughter. Take care of yourself and try to preserve your relationship with your daughter at this extremely hard time.

This, please. I can only imagine the pain she feels and responsibility she feels for hurting you. She needs her own (private) space to talk about it with some one who is not emotionally invested in the situation. A counselor/therapist who is trained to work with teens. I think it is also fine to have a conversation with your daughter to let her know that if SHE wants to talk to you about it she can come to you. BUT- as hard as it may be for you DON'T ask questions about when and what she knew. You will be hurting her further and adding to her pain.

I'm a school counselor and have worked with many children in similar situations. There is a lot she will feel that she will never tell you (maybe many years later she will). Please let her know that you love her (and will always love her) no matter what. That NONE of this is her fault on any level. And that she's awesome. Don't tell her how you feel about your husband and what he did (and if she asks- keep your response somewhat understated). Buy her a journal and gently encourage her to use it (you may want to do the same). Writing can be very cathartic.

Hugs to you and your daughter OP.

[Anonymous]

You are obviously feeling betrayed by your DD as well as your DH. You need to step back though and remind yourself that you are her mother. If she made any other "mistake" (no info so not sure if she made a mistake here) you would deal with it as her mother. Your feelings of betrayal about your DH are probably spilling over or clouding your ability to see your needs vs your responsibilities regarding your DD right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out that my teenage daughter discovered that my DH was having an affair. I have confronted DH, but I really want to ask my DD what did she know, when did she know it and why did she hide if from me. Do you think this is appropriate?

Absolutely not.

She was caught in an untenable situation. She had to betray one parent or the other. She didn't know what to do. Leave her out of it.

[Anonymous]

Watch the Mad Men episode when Sally walks in on her dad banging the neighbor. He was married to 'Meghan' at the time not her mom, but she then had to sit at a dinner table with him and Meghan and couldn't eat she was so sick to her stomach. The revulsion in her face was priceless.

Yes. It was TV, but try to think of the conflicted and painful feelings your daughter is having. Also---prob didn't want you guys to split up so kept it a secret. Maybe he even told her not to say anything.

Your daughter is the last person that should be getting any grief. She needs to be getting unconditional love and attention from you. Direct your anger at your spouse (and not in front of her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

[Anonymous]

Sure, go ahead and do that...if you want to completely ruin your relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not put your daughter in the middle of your marital issues. She has already had enough stress put on her, just by knowing this secret. Your husband is the only person you should be upset with.

[Anonymous]

This is why there are therapists. Get one for each of you because she has been set up here.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT confront your DD. This is not her burden to bear. You need therapy, stat.

[Anonymous]

My father's affair was one of the most painful episodes of my childhood.

Keep this between you and your husband. Be angry he brought the kid into it, but keep it between the two of you.

As for your kid: ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about regarding this, tell him it isn't fair or kind that he got involved, and then give him the courtesy of keeping him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are obviously feeling betrayed by your DD as well as your DH. You need to step back though and remind yourself that you are her mother. If she made any other "mistake" (no info so not sure if she made a mistake here) you would deal with it as her mother. Your feelings of betrayal about your DH are probably spilling over or clouding your ability to see your needs vs your responsibilities regarding your DD right now.

Yes, it's probably this, OP. You're in shock too. Courage to you in this time. It was a shitty thing your "H" did to you and your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs to both you and your daughter. What horrible thing for her to deal with. Family secrets are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Keep your DD out of it!!!!!!!! Poor thing, to have that knowledge and need to try to figure out the right thing to do with it. Most adults would have a hard time in that situation. I hope her relationships with you and with her father can withstand the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask your daughter- if she knew for awhile, there may be many reasons she didn't tell you. Namely, she probably didn't want to hurt you or see you and your husband (her father) split up. If she wants to talk about it (I.e. She comes to you), let her know you love her unconditionally and nine of this mess is at her doorstep.

The question for your husband is did he conceal the affair after his daughter found out? If so, his selfishness toward his family goes beyond the affair.

[Anonymous]

You are putting your daughter in an impossible position. Nothing she will say will be right. This is going to turn into a deposition with you pressing her and pressing her. DO NOT DO THIS.