Speak out for gay brother at family reunion or change the subject?
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Anonymous
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I'm going to a weekend-long family reunion where once again, my brother will be the only member of the extended family who does not attend. It's been this way for over a decade, and always my relatives ask about him, say they wish he would come and ask if he might be able to make it one of these years. I usually just kind of give them a brief update on what he's up to, say he's really busy with work, agree it would be nice if he can come some time and change the subject.
The truth is that my brother has no interest in seeing any of these people ever again. He is openly in a long-term relationship with a man I adore. Most of the members of my family are religious conservatives, and many over the years have said homophobic things -- I remember in particular many years ago before my brother was out a conversation about how much more promiscuous gay people are. More recently, they've said things on FB about supporting traditional marriage or loving the sinner, but hating the sin. Or they've cheered on the owner of Chick Fil A for taking a stand against gay marriage. I don't go to these gatherings to debate social issues or religion, but to maintain a bond with my family and make sure my children also are familiar with their roots. I'm tempted this time around when family members ask about his absence to say something like, "You know, this family has not exactly embraced people who are in same-sex relationships. I don't think he would feel very comfortable here, and frankly the comments have been hurtful to me as well." I told this to my brother and he kind of shrugged, like I could do whatever I want and he doesn't care what they think. What's the best way to respond? |
Anonymous
| I would clarify with your brother. Does he want you to say something or not? If he really doesn't care, I think you need to consider that this might alienate you from members of your family. For me, that would be fine because I don't want to spend time around people like that, regardless of whether we are family or not. But, you say you are going to maintain a bond not debate politics/religion, so think about the end game. |
Anonymous
My brother clearly doesn't want to talk about the extended family. Whenever I bring them up, he changes the subject. And I have considered it might alienate me. I'd be willing to accept that if that happens. I think they love me and respect me, and I wonder if maybe I say something it will give them pause at least before expressing their homophobia, knowing it might be hurtful to their own blood. I don't think they are bad people -- many of them are actually quite kind-hearted and generous in many ways -- but I think they are very entrenched in their churches and southern communities where it's more common to have these views. And it might do them good to hear the damage it does from someone who has a different viewpoint. But it also might be the case that nothing will change their minds and I should try to keep these weekends to a light social occasion. And that if my brother doesn't want to engage them in this debate, I shouldn't try to do it in his name. |
Anonymous
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When they bring it up, you could ask them if everyone would be comfortable with him and his partner there. Maybe they're just asking after him to be nice. Maybe they do want to reach out. They're the ones who have rejected gays, so it's up to them to embrace your brother and his partner. I don't blame your brother for shrugging them off.
There doesn't need to be anything confrontational or negative about your side of the conversation. And it's really all just talk, since it would be up to your brother whether he ever sees them again. |
Anonymous
+1 They are hateful towards him yet do not understand why he wont attend? |
Anonymous
| Those are not roots worth maintaining. I would not attend, in solidarity with my brother and his partner. |
Anonymous
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I think this can be kind of bullshit.
My extended family is mostly in the south, and many are conservative, but it's not like they all read from the same playbook. I have a gay sibling and several gay cousins. They come to family events with their partners, they speak up for themselves, and they demonstrate by their commitment their own family values. But one of my gay cousins, in particular, has literally made a career out of being a gay man who escaped a small town in the South. His gay identity is wrapped up in being a non-conformity, a rebel, and an iconoclast. Spending time with family members who aren't as brilliant and PC as he is just doesn't compare to hanging out with people at a university who spend all their time talking about the pathology of heterosexist norms and reading graphic poems to each other about LGBT sex. |
Anonymous
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I doubt that you can change their minds in a weekend. The people I know who dropped their homophobia did so because they were exposed to a gay person over a long period of time and saw that the gay person was not substantially different in terms of moral values or behavior.
I could tell that the change was occurring in my family when my mother expressed sympathy that a friend from college was divorced by his husband. The promiscuity issue is a tough one to tackle. While I know many gay and lesbian couples who are in committed monogamous relationships, gay men have reported many more sexual partners on average than straight men do. I suspect that this will change as more states legalize marriage equality, but the statistic is hard to ignore if someone has an issue with a person having a lot of partners. My mother was sorry that my friend divorced, but I don't think that she would be able to accept that he was involved in a gay poly relationship (he isn't) even if I said it made him really happy. She wouldn't accept a heterosexual poly relationship either, so at least she's consistent, I guess. Your brother is doing what is best for him. Maybe, with his permission, you can share news and photos about him to help bolster whatever bonds the family may still feel. |
Anonymous
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At the very least I think you have a responsibility to set a good example for your children. Speaking up against hate speech is a good place to start.
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Anonymous
| Yep. Unfortunately you're not going to change anybody's minds. Now, if your brother tried to forge a relationship with them, maybe they would come around, but you really are powerless here. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| No, I wouldn't say anything. Those people want nothing to do with him. If they ask about him, say he's doing well, and leave it at that. He doesn't want to see them ever again. You shouldn't give them any details of his life. |
Anonymous
| When they ask, I would kindly mention that he may not feel accepted by the family given all of the anti-gay remarks. |
Anonymous
| I'm constantly around very religious conservative people as well. When they bring up gay marriage, I say "love is love" and change the subject. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry he's not here, too. Unfortunately Bobby doesn't feel welcome due to the explicit comments about same-sex couples from the family. Anyways, he's been doing yadda yadda yadda...
If they really want him to attend, they'll go back and address the comment. If not, they'll have their answer. If you merge it into the discusison about what he's up to and doing, they have the excuse, if they want, to ignore the comment and not revisit the topic. |
Anonymous
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My dad is gay and from the South, and most of our relatives still live there. People have, for the most part, been more accepting than you might think.
The thing is, this is an issue where people really do change their views when they get to know family members who are gay. So OP, if you are willing to take the risk that your family might be less comfortable with -you-, I think it's worth saying something. |