Speak out for gay brother at family reunion or change the subject?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused - do they know he's gay?

I think I might try to weave a gentle path, not direct. And not because I'm avoiding it, but because for some people it is an evolution. They may not even think the things they've said are homophobic. They may have no idea. I think maybe when someone asks you could say something like you know, I'm not so sure he feels welcome (not in a large group, but one on one) and just leave it for them to pursue, or not.

I might also consider talking to your cousins or people you think might be more sympathetic - and in this case more proactively bring it up. You might find more openness than you expect, or at least some ideas for how this could go over the next few years.

Are your parents not there?

[Anonymous]

I would say something. Not because it would change their minds, necessarily, but it would make me feel like less of a hypocrite. But I would be tempted to skip it altogether. I don't deal well with the facade thing where things appear to be civil and happy and I'm actually holding in a thousand things I'd like to say.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks for the perspectives. To answer a couple questions -- my brother never officially came out to these people because I don't think he's seen them in over 10 years since he's been in this relationship. Before that he dated women. But they know -- a couple have asked me about his partner by name, and they see his posts on Facebook going about life with his boyfriend. This is my father's side of the family -- my parents divorced and my father has passed away, so these are extended family only.

And to the person who asked, yes, I absolutely understand why my brother wouldn't want to attend and don't blame him one bit. Just asking this has me thinking whether I should consider the same out of solidarity. However, I really enjoy for my sake and my children's hearing the old stories about my father and his family growing up in the rural south, working on farms -- very different from our upper middle class urban life. I like going through old pictures of when we are kids and recreating with my aunts the recipes my late grandmother used to make. I like singing campfire songs and swimming in the lake with my cousins and their children like we used to do growing up, including my brother, who I think genuinely is missed by everyone. They absolutely would welcome him and be polite to his partner if he came -- you know, the whole love the sinner not the sin part. Uhg, like he needs to put up with that. Obviously, not everyone is a homophobe in the group -- there are some who I assume would be pro gay rights -- although support for traditional marriage seems to be the prevailing view among the family, with a few being quite outspoken about it. So I don't know. I'm going to ask my brother next time I see him about how he feels about my going, and I would stop if it hurts him. But my sense is he doesn't spend much time being concerned about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry he's not here, too. Unfortunately Bobby doesn't feel welcome due to the explicit comments about same-sex couples from the family. Anyways, he's been doing yadda yadda yadda...

If they really want him to attend, they'll go back and address the comment. If not, they'll have their answer. If you merge it into the discusison about what he's up to and doing, they have the excuse, if they want, to ignore the comment and not revisit the topic.

I like this option.

[Anonymous]

As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

If your kids are mentally scarred by gay people they're probably pretty stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

If your kids are mentally scarred by gay people they're probably pretty stupid.

You must like tossed man salad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

That's odd, because I'm a straight guy with children who quite like my friends who are gay, both the uncommitted ones and the ones in committed relationships. Not only are they not mentally scarred, but their lives are richer for having known such wonderful friends. My children will learn to accept such friends as normal so that they will be open-minded to anyone they meet in their lives and not cut themselves off from potentially good friends or family because of a judgment made before even meeting such individuals.

I think your children are scarred not from the gay people you meet, but from your attitude towards them.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a good opportunity for you to lay the groundwork for some reconciliation. I think you should honestly tell people that he doesn't come because they've been quite vocal about how they feel about gay people. They've made it clear he's not welcome. I think they should be ashamed of themselves that he doesn't have the opporutnity to remember/participate in those things that build relationships in families. I think the next year and special invitation should go out to him and his partner to attend. He may decide to go solo the next year and bring his partner the following year but it would be a start. It's time for them to lay aside their thoughtless comments and embrace their family member. I'm sure there are a good number of people who don't support the statements some of the more outspoken have dropped - that's true no matter what the issue. You also might be helping the closeted family member out as well. I doubt your brother is the only one who's gay in your family - people just don't know it!

For what it's worth, no one has to change their mind about the rightness/wrongness of being gay. Like any other political issue, you set it aside when you're with family and keep things loving and drama free (right, I know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

This person is clearly trolling, but the sad thing is that lots of bigots really do feel this way --- people who are different are only allowed to exist if they hide their differences. Actually doing normal human things --- bringing your partner to a family gathering, holding hands, having a family --- are "forcing a lifestyle down people's throats" when gay people or people in an inter-religious or interracial marriage do them, but those things are perfectly fine when done by "people like us."

Ironically, children are far less upset about this than the bigoted parents. I think that kids instinctively get that having two kind, supportive parents of any race and gender is good for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry he's not here, too. Unfortunately Bobby doesn't feel welcome due to the explicit comments about same-sex couples from the family. Anyways, he's been doing yadda yadda yadda...

If they really want him to attend, they'll go back and address the comment. If not, they'll have their answer. If you merge it into the discusison about what he's up to and doing, they have the excuse, if they want, to ignore the comment and not revisit the topic.

I like this option.

I like this, too, except that it sounds a little like your brother wants to be there but isn't sure of his welcome. I'd tweak that part a bit.

You can gently stand up against the hate speech without being strident, so you should not let homophobic comments pass. I like what a PP said about showing your kids how to stand up against hate speech. Let us know what happens!

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all. I will post after to let you know if it comes up. I have decided to say something if they raise his absence or making any anti-gay remarks, not in a super confrontational way but just so they are aware that their anti-gay statements have created an estrangement with someone they love. Maybe it won't change their hearts, but maybe at least they will think twice about who they are hurting when they say such things. I, too, agree that it's an example that I need to set for my kids to speak out against prejudice. BTW, my brother has no interest in going to these family gatherings and I can pretty much guarantee he never will, given some of their past statements and FB rants about traditional marriage. The family actually tries to reach out to him -- I know several have told me they have sent him messages, tried to call, sent wedding invitations and he doesn't respond. The organizers of this year's family reunion created a FB group for it and added him, but I noticed that he removed himself from it. I don't know if they get why that might be and so I think it's time I will let them know if they ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as he isn't gaying it up and comes alone, who cares? Or is he selfish and wants to force his lifestyle down everyone's throats and mentally scar the children?

If your kids are mentally scarred by gay people they're probably pretty stupid.

Don;t feed the troll!

[Anonymous]

I often compare marriage equality for same sex partners to interracial marriage when I am dealing with homophobic relatives. My family is very racially mixed going back generations. Census records show how creative with passing some of my ancestors were to be able to live with their loved one of a different race. One great-grandmother passed as a light skinned black woman. Another passed as a Spaniard. Family stories show the impact on the family of having to hide their true selves. My relatives are slowly getting it --love is love.

[Anonymous]

I think you can be honest about why he's not there without chastising your family and starting a debate on what constitutes marriage. When they ask why he hasn't come, you can honestly say you don't think he'd feel welcome. If they ask why, you can honestly say because some of the remarks on homosexual behavior were insulting. That's true - it's not a debate about whether the owner Chil-Fil-A was out of line or justified in opining on marriage. That's pretty beside the point and I'm sure different family members who have different views on that can get together without a problem - it's the speculation and judgment on promiscuity and such that really can cause hurt. (btw - the owner of Starbucks also opined on what the definition of marriage should be and I haven't heard of any friendships or families breaking up over that)