Speak out for gay brother at family reunion or change the subject?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything on his behalf, rather, I'd speak up because I would want to make it clear to my own children that I do not tolerate or condone homophobic behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP the truth will set you free. Tell them the truth if they ask. Why do you carry this burden of covering for your bro? If hey ask questions, give them the truth or suggest that they ask him directly.

[Anonymous]

The truth!!!
And if they hate you for it, embrace that truth too because it is character revealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the very least I think you have a responsibility to set a good example for your children. Speaking up against hate speech is a good place to start.

I agree with you in theory but if the OP is a family gathering and someone asks, "How's John?"

Its not like OP can go into a tirade about how they should support gay marriage etc.

[Anonymous]

No, she doesn't have to, she can simply talk about how great he is, what he and his partner have been up to, and how much ShE wishes he felt comfortable coming to the reunion.

[Anonymous]

22:25 nailed it. From OP's description of why she likes going to the extended family events---it's clear that those memories include her brother and it's sad to her that she's not getting to have the experience of sitting around the campfire with her kids listening to her joke back and forth with her brother about their fun as kids. That is sad for OP. And if that's the real loss she's feeling, then she needs to express that sense of loss to both her conservative relatives (and explain why her brother feels alienated) and then also express that loss to her brother. Because he may be so focused on the negative about his extended family that he is unwilling to give any of those gatherings another shot so that everyone can focus on the fun memories that they all share---and not the baggage. Therein lies the way to bridge-building . . . .

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are your kids?

If your brother truly *doesn't* care either way, I'd be thinking about what kinds of examples you want to show to your kids. Maybe less about your brother exactly, but more about your reactions to hearing homophobic messages? I clearly remember several occasions where my parents publicly disagreed when they heard homophobic remarks, and I think it matters to kids to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all. I will post after to let you know if it comes up. I have decided to say something if they raise his absence or making any anti-gay remarks, not in a super confrontational way but just so they are aware that their anti-gay statements have created an estrangement with someone they love. Maybe it won't change their hearts, but maybe at least they will think twice about who they are hurting when they say such things. I, too, agree that it's an example that I need to set for my kids to speak out against prejudice. BTW, my brother has no interest in going to these family gatherings and I can pretty much guarantee he never will, given some of their past statements and FB rants about traditional marriage. The family actually tries to reach out to him -- I know several have told me they have sent him messages, tried to call, sent wedding invitations and he doesn't respond. The organizers of this year's family reunion created a FB group for it and added him, but I noticed that he removed himself from it. I don't know if they get why that might be and so I think it's time I will let them know if they ask.

So, if you want to mend family fences, ask if your brother and his partner would tolerate coming to a family function at your house with your family and one or two of the estranged relatives at a time. When you are the host, you have a lot more control over addressing the airing of anti-homosexual comments "Please don't say that here. We're trying to raise our children to be tolerant and accepting of gay friends and family." He might feel more comfortable getting reacquainted with the extended family in smaller groups and in a supportive atmosphere where you, the host, are on his side. You could have events once or twice a year and invite different extended family members so that he isn't overwhelmed by "Aunt Mildred" and "Uncle Frank" every time.

[Anonymous]

Ask them to take it slow and eventually work up to man kiss

[Anonymous]

You said he's not out to them. In which case you say nothing, as it is his story to tell. It is never appropriate to out someone else.

And if they do know he's gay and they keep inviting him to events (and not just to try to 'reform' him), then it's on him. He doesn't want to come. These people may not like "gayness" but they still like him. They don't really see the two as related. It's going to continue to take time for these attitudes to die out. None of us have the families we think we should have, we have the ones we've got. My family is very Italian Catholic, and the older generation still doesn't "get" homosexuality. Will go on rants against gay marriage as "weird" . They've also had the favorite cousin/auntie and most gung-ho cousins' club organizer be a woman who was been living her "friend" for forty-plus years. Everyone knows what the "friendship" is, they've invited her partner to every family event, and no one has ever talked to her about her lifestyle, immortal soul, or anything else. Her "gayness" has been a non-issue for decades at this point. But that doesn't mean that the family members like homosexuality in the abstract sense.

Your brother has chosen not to be a part of this family. That is his right. I'm not sure anything you spay will change his feelings about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to a weekend-long family reunion where once again, my brother will be the only member of the extended family who does not attend. It's been this way for over a decade, and always my relatives ask about him, say they wish he would come and ask if he might be able to make it one of these years. I usually just kind of give them a brief update on what he's up to, say he's really busy with work, agree it would be nice if he can come some time and change the subject.

The truth is that my brother has no interest in seeing any of these people ever again. He is openly in a long-term relationship with a man I adore. Most of the members of my family are religious conservatives, and many over the years have said homophobic things -- I remember in particular many years ago before my brother was out a conversation about how much more promiscuous gay people are. More recently, they've said things on FB about supporting traditional marriage or loving the sinner, but hating the sin. Or they've cheered on the owner of Chick Fil A for taking a stand against gay marriage.

I don't go to these gatherings to debate social issues or religion, but to maintain a bond with my family and make sure my children also are familiar with their roots. I'm tempted this time around when family members ask about his absence to say something like, "You know, this family has not exactly embraced people who are in same-sex relationships. I don't think he would feel very comfortable here, and frankly the comments have been hurtful to me as well." I told this to my brother and he kind of shrugged, like I could do whatever I want and he doesn't care what they think.

What's the best way to respond?

Don't go

[Anonymous]

Tell your brother that you are going to speak up for him. Tell him that if the reaction of the relatives is homophobic you will stop going to the reunions.

Tell your brother, that you miss him at the reunions, but that you have to see for yourself if these relatives are accepting of him or not, before you excuse yourself from these reunions.

Also, with your brother's blessing - when you speak-up at the reunion, tell them what you have promised your brother, tell them that you have faith that as Christians and as family members they have acceptance and love in their hearts for your brother. This makes it clear to them that you will not come to the reunion if your brother is not welcome with open arms.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just want to update that this did come up at the reunion. A small group was sitting around and started asking about my brother. One cousin said, "I hope he knows his partner would be welcome here. We wish he would bring him." I said, "Well, frankly, I think some members of this family have said things in the past against gay people, so I'm not sure he would feel comfortable bringing him. He's never said that to me, but that's my guess." Moment of awkward silence. Then I went on to talk more about what he's up to and no one brought it up again. It actually didn't make me feel very good to get into it with them, and I kind of wished that I didn't at the time. But I think it was probably the right thing. And the best part is that later, the cousin who was hosting the gathering had their male hairdresser stop by to give a cut to one of her kids. She made a point of bringing him over to introduce him to me out of all the dozens of people there -- he was clearly gay -- I think as a way of showing that she is accepting and they have gays in their small southern community.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't "get into it." You made a statement. And good for you! Maybe some of your more normal relatives will reach out.

[Anonymous]

Maybe, just maybe, they keep asking because they miss him and really want to see him...? Do they know he's gay?! If they know then the fact that they still want him there is a first step towards a possible HUGE change in your family...might be worth taking a shot at. If they don't know he's gay it might be time to enlighten them - with your brother's consent of course.