Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with this. Usually, I try to force a smile, stay busy, and make a list of all that I have to be grateful for. Make a list of all the stuff I want to do besides have kids. But you know, deep down, it rings false and feels shallow. Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Fake it till you make it. 4 years and counting trying for #1 on earth.

I hear therapy would be helpful, but I haven't taken that step myself quite yet. IVF 6 coming up in July.

[Anonymous]

Adoption but it was a nightmare too. Good luck. I remember those days and years well.

[Anonymous]

Adopt. Everyone I know who has adopted said that after they had their child in their arms that was all that mattered.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm right there with you. I haven't found anything to do but clean my house 20 times a week. Maybe time will bring peace, better yet a living baby, but I definitely haven't found the peace part yet.

[Anonymous]

Adoption was my answer, too! I also got "lucky" with adoption, being chosen by the birth mom and quickly--- (esp. being single and mid-40's.) I feel beyond fortunate, and NEVER take it for granted EVER.

Consider ALL your options, think positive and be pro-active. That said, I know you are not in a good place (having been there myself,) and I am so sorry....I wish you success...and, remember, you WILL "get" the baby --- YOUR BABY --- one way or another. Hang in there....And WHEN it does happen, you will appreciate and love (almost) every minute because it took A LOT to get there, OP! ((hugs))

[Anonymous]

I'm in the trenches right there with you, OP. Here is what's working for me right now as I'm on an indefinite break from fertility treatment (3 IUIs, 3 IVFs later = nothing to show). What's working for me right now is therapy and yoga. Big hugs to you on your journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake it till you make it. 4 years and counting trying for #1 on earth.

I hear therapy would be helpful, but I haven't taken that step myself quite yet. IVF 6 coming up in July.

Same here. 4 years trying. IVF 6 in July. Haven't taken up therapy as well. Good luck to us!

[Anonymous]

OP, yes it feels false and shallow but do we have a choice?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP and some of the PPs.

[Anonymous]

OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

I am not the OP. It is easy to say this after you have kids. When you don't have kids and everyone else around you have, it's difficult to perceive fun in riding horses. I am not saying that things you mentioned are not fun. I completely understand that life gets busier after kids and then you miss the days you had all the freedom but when one is spending tens of thousands of dollars to get that one baby, all the fun activities sound trivial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

I am not the OP. It is easy to say this after you have kids. When you don't have kids and everyone else around you have, it's difficult to perceive fun in riding horses. I am not saying that things you mentioned are not fun. I completely understand that life gets busier after kids and then you miss the days you had all the freedom but when one is spending tens of thousands of dollars to get that one baby, all the fun activities sound trivial.

I agree with second PP and also life with kids brings a lot of fun and new experiences. OP, adopt, volunteer or become a foster parent if you so desire. Don't focus on others, but on your own reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

I am not the OP. It is easy to say this after you have kids. When you don't have kids and everyone else around you have, it's difficult to perceive fun in riding horses. I am not saying that things you mentioned are not fun. I completely understand that life gets busier after kids and then you miss the days you had all the freedom but when one is spending tens of thousands of dollars to get that one baby, all the fun activities sound trivial.

PP above: We spent money and many years in infertility. I know what it is like. If you want to stubbornly hold onto the concept that there is no life but one with kids, then life without kids is going to be pretty bad. But, you might try considering the alternative. Also, I think there is no real "considering the alternative" if you spend all your time around families with young kids -- it is too all consuming and of course will make you feel worse. Note the title of the thread does say ... ways to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

You don't get it, do you. You aren't the one so devastated you cry to sleep every night longing for a child. You aren't the one who doesn't get invited to neighbors family outdoor events as you don't have kids so they can relate to you. At holidays, you watch as others post pictures of kids with presents and yet for you nothing....

OP, you aren't alone. Some of us after many years of trying did get lucky but even so it took us 6 years and a lot of money to adopt. Just as we gave up hope, it happened. We have friends who tried that long and hard too and it didn't happen. My heart breaks for them. Its hard, very very very hard. I'll never forgot those years.