Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My pal has a beach house, travels. And is an awesome fun Aunt.

Our plan and actions were to be the best aunt/uncle possible. We ended up having children but the pain was eased by active participation in the lives of nieces and nephews. A sibling of mine never had children and the pain resulted in the spouse and sib having no relationship with my children. Now we are all facing retirement and there is a desire to cultivate relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. I appreciate your response. Part of my comment was prompted by the frequent expression on these boards of needing to avoid pregnant friends/people with children because it's so painful. It's heartbreaking because it seems like you're doubly cheated then-- of a child and then of your other relationships. OP said herself that it feels fake to engage in a lot of activities meant to distract from the pain of infertility and asked for alternative ways to cope. I simply wanted to offer some thoughts on the counter approach.

I'm sure what you say about other parents' reaction is frequently true, and I didn't mean to gloss over the potential difficulty of it. I should have expressed more thoughtfully how it might come about, but an obvious prerequisite is having friends or family with whom you have a close, trusting relationship and share similar values. In my experience, many people are indeed open to-- and often crave-- someone else bonding strongly with their child. For our family, my son's godfather is that person. He's a single guy, my husband's closest friend. We love him, respect, would trust our children's lives with him. He's often with us on or around holidays (he has his own extended family), always for birthday celebrations. He attends my child's school as the honored invitee on grandparent's day where they read and do a project together, have lunch, watch the class presentations. My husband and I both have wonderful extended family and siblings we are close to but they live far away. DS's godfather fills a void in our lives and we are blessed to have him. I see similar dynamics among friends' families in DC, as so many of us moved away from our hometowns and families of origin.

OUCH! Once again another poster said the hurtful response so much better than the person going through it. A single guy really knows the pain of infertility and solves it all by hanging around this poster's wonderful children.
That is somewhat like saying, "oh your Dad died? Sorry to hear that! Mine is in a nursing home. I will give you the schedule and you can visit him at Sunny Horizons! He's a Dad, too"
PP I would respectfully suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself when you are around infertile people IRL. Seriously.

My example of DS's godfather was only meant to counter pp's point that other parents are reluctant to let someone else take a significant role, nothing more. Has nothing to do with the pain of infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, you are missing the point of the thread. The point of the thread was not "how can I avoid receiving the same suggestions over and over again?" The point of the thread was how to move forward. People are trying to share how they found meaning and happiness EVEN THOUGH THEY COULDN'T HAVE BABIES.

If you want to be stuck forever rolling your eyes at how cliche it is when people suggest that you volunteer with kids or be involved with friends' kids or relatives, then maybe you shouldn't click on a thread where the OP is asking for suggestions about making life move forward.

I clicked on the thread hoping to get better suggestions beyond the usual. And I most certainly wasn't looking for suggestions about how to move forward when you can't have kids from people WHO HAVE KIDS. Seriously, you don't get that?????

It's one of the most condescending things -- someone with a child or children telling you, "Hey, just be a great aunt or godmother!" I was thinking -- gasp -- that people who ended up NOT being able to have kids would explain how they got over the grief of that and moved on.

There are a lot of posts from people who have kids. Why did they click on the thread? It wasn't entitled, "Hey, people who have kids, what is your advice to your infertile friends?"

I'm sorry I'm being snarky now. My initial response to the PP wasn't meant to be snarky. It was meant to be honest and maybe educational -- like maybe if she has infertile friends IRL, she might not want to say that.

I don't "roll my eyes" at how cliche it is when people make cliche suggestions. My posts weren't eye rolls. They were EXPLANATIONS so that maybe people can understand why those suggestions actually only make it hurt more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not trying to be rude or even mean. I'm being honest. And again, I think this is why infertile women (a) distance themselves a bit from people with kids and/or (b) don't talk about coming to terms with not having children (even with other people who don't have them) because they know the conversation will be filled with suggestions like this -- adopt, volunteer -- and then it feels like they should have guilt on top of their grief, guilt that they actually don't want to do those things; they just want to have a child of their own.

Again, it's not clear why you are in this thread when you don't want to talk about coming to terms with not having children.

You missed my point. It's why OP posts on an online forum instead of talking to friends and family, because in casual conversation, the thing people always suggest is "adopt" or "be a great aunt" or "volunteer"! I think OP is looking for something besides the USUAL and OBVIOUS suggestions.

that's why she specifically posts on a thread for infertility support. And the first PP I responded to is someone who HAS A CHILD!!!

I posted above what I think are helpful suggestions.

It's not that infertile people don't want to come to terms, but I think most get tired of the usual suggestions and so they just stop talking about it. That was my point.

I still don't think it's your place to filter responses for the OP, or to discount other people's experiences. I am the aunt of 12 and will never have children either, so it pisses me off that you think my story isn't helpful or valid because you think it's too "obvious."

Your posting above was very helpful, thank you. I'm sorry for your losses and wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not trying to be rude or even mean. I'm being honest. And again, I think this is why infertile women (a) distance themselves a bit from people with kids and/or (b) don't talk about coming to terms with not having children (even with other people who don't have them) because they know the conversation will be filled with suggestions like this -- adopt, volunteer -- and then it feels like they should have guilt on top of their grief, guilt that they actually don't want to do those things; they just want to have a child of their own.

Again, it's not clear why you are in this thread when you don't want to talk about coming to terms with not having children.

You missed my point. It's why OP posts on an online forum instead of talking to friends and family, because in casual conversation, the thing people always suggest is "adopt" or "be a great aunt" or "volunteer"! I think OP is looking for something besides the USUAL and OBVIOUS suggestions.

that's why she specifically posts on a thread for infertility support. And the first PP I responded to is someone who HAS A CHILD!!!

I posted above what I think are helpful suggestions.

It's not that infertile people don't want to come to terms, but I think most get tired of the usual suggestions and so they just stop talking about it. That was my point.

I still don't think it's your place to filter responses for the OP, or to discount other people's experiences. I am the aunt of 12 and will never have children either, so it pisses me off that you think my story isn't helpful or valid because you think it's too "obvious."

Your posting above was very helpful, thank you. I'm sorry for your losses and wish you the best.

I wasn't filtering anything. Those posts are still there. OP can still read them and my posts and make up her own mind. I'm participating in a discussion. That is what this is, a discussion? And I have every right to an opinion as the woman posting about her son's godfather.

Be pissed off. You didn't post your story as a post in and off itself. You posting it trying to say my feelings about the other PP's post weren't valid. In my post, I said the "adopt" suggestion isn't helpful, but I clearly stated that some people adopt and find peace that way.

I never said your experience isn't valid. But it's a suggestion that is given a lot, and frankly, most people have NO control over how many nieces and nephews they have. It's great that you have 12 nieces and nephews. It's great that they have parents who let you have an active role in their lives. But again, most people don't have much control over that. I have about as much control over how many nieces and nephews I have as I have over how many children of my own I have. Do you not see how that makes your suggestion kind of an impossible one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not trying to be rude or even mean. I'm being honest. And again, I think this is why infertile women (a) distance themselves a bit from people with kids and/or (b) don't talk about coming to terms with not having children (even with other people who don't have them) because they know the conversation will be filled with suggestions like this -- adopt, volunteer -- and then it feels like they should have guilt on top of their grief, guilt that they actually don't want to do those things; they just want to have a child of their own.

Again, it's not clear why you are in this thread when you don't want to talk about coming to terms with not having children.

You missed my point. It's why OP posts on an online forum instead of talking to friends and family, because in casual conversation, the thing people always suggest is "adopt" or "be a great aunt" or "volunteer"! I think OP is looking for something besides the USUAL and OBVIOUS suggestions.

that's why she specifically posts on a thread for infertility support. And the first PP I responded to is someone who HAS A CHILD!!!

I posted above what I think are helpful suggestions.

It's not that infertile people don't want to come to terms, but I think most get tired of the usual suggestions and so they just stop talking about it. That was my point.

I still don't think it's your place to filter responses for the OP, or to discount other people's experiences. I am the aunt of 12 and will never have children either, so it pisses me off that you think my story isn't helpful or valid because you think it's too "obvious."

Your posting above was very helpful, thank you. I'm sorry for your losses and wish you the best.

I wasn't filtering anything. Those posts are still there. OP can still read them and my posts and make up her own mind. I'm participating in a discussion. That is what this is, a discussion? And I have every right to an opinion as the woman posting about her son's godfather.

Be pissed off. You didn't post your story as a post in and off itself. You posting it trying to say my feelings about the other PP's post weren't valid. In my post, I said the "adopt" suggestion isn't helpful, but I clearly stated that some people adopt and find peace that way.

I never said your experience isn't valid. But it's a suggestion that is given a lot, and frankly, most people have NO control over how many nieces and nephews they have. It's great that you have 12 nieces and nephews. It's great that they have parents who let you have an active role in their lives. But again, most people don't have much control over that. I have about as much control over how many nieces and nephews I have as I have over how many children of my own I have. Do you not see how that makes your suggestion kind of an impossible one?

Yes, I'm sorry. I do think we need a bigger tent, sometimes, since there are so many endpoints for infertility. Most people mean well and aren't trying to make others feel worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, you are missing the point of the thread. The point of the thread was not "how can I avoid receiving the same suggestions over and over again?" The point of the thread was how to move forward. People are trying to share how they found meaning and happiness EVEN THOUGH THEY COULDN'T HAVE BABIES.

If you want to be stuck forever rolling your eyes at how cliche it is when people suggest that you volunteer with kids or be involved with friends' kids or relatives, then maybe you shouldn't click on a thread where the OP is asking for suggestions about making life move forward.

I clicked on the thread hoping to get better suggestions beyond the usual. And I most certainly wasn't looking for suggestions about how to move forward when you can't have kids from people WHO HAVE KIDS. Seriously, you don't get that?????

It's one of the most condescending things -- someone with a child or children telling you, "Hey, just be a great aunt or godmother!" I was thinking -- gasp -- that people who ended up NOT being able to have kids would explain how they got over the grief of that and moved on.

There are a lot of posts from people who have kids. Why did they click on the thread? It wasn't entitled, "Hey, people who have kids, what is your advice to your infertile friends?"

I'm sorry I'm being snarky now. My initial response to the PP wasn't meant to be snarky. It was meant to be honest and maybe educational -- like maybe if she has infertile friends IRL, she might not want to say that.

I don't "roll my eyes" at how cliche it is when people make cliche suggestions. My posts weren't eye rolls. They were EXPLANATIONS so that maybe people can understand why those suggestions actually only make it hurt more.

Original PP here. I hear you. In real life, I never say anything like what I've posted for fear of saying the wrong thing. I will continue that reticence! It probably doesn't matter at this point, but I never thought of my suggestion as in any way a substitution for parenting.

Peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

I wrote this. I don't mean to say that I was not in pain at the time. I was in great pain and half the time did not really enjoy much of anything. I cried a lot. But moving around, doing something is better than not doing anything. (at least for me) It is a terrible life pain -- a grief that can so easily turn into depression. I have to say that being an "auntie" was not really an option. I found that the friends with little children were very absorbed and protective of their time and involvement with their kids and that is was very painful to be around them. It seemed like their whole LIVES turned around those kids. We did have children (finally! so late in life...) and now, nearly 18 years later, I can say that we would have been OK without kids. But that was certainly not our perspective at the time.
OP, all I can say is be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.

I'm the PP that everyone is attacking because I said the "be an auntie!" suggestion isn't helpful, and this has been exactly my experience. The thing is that that "be a great auntie" really only works if the situation arises organically. It's not really something a person can go out and do intentionally.

I'm sure the PPs who find fulfillment in being a good aunt have found something that works for them, but they have to realize that that is also a bit of luck. Some people don't have a lot of nieces and nephews or don't have friends or family with kids who will really let you play anything but a sort of superficial role in their kids' lives.

It's why I find the suggestion kind of useless.

As for the PP who says her sibling distanced herself from her kids and now at retirement is trying to reestablish relationships, that's a different thing entirely. There's a HUGE difference between taking some temporary space away from people and their young kids to get some peace and perspective as opposed to disowning family or severing ties completely. And this is another problem infertile women face: Sometimes friends and family don't understand that they just need a little space, that it's not permanent and that it's not personal. But instead, said family or friends with kids gets offended and angry and then makes comments like, "She doesn't come around because she's bitter." and then that only poisons the relationship.

I feel like it would be helpful if people understood that someone dealing with infertility might need space, that it's not helpful to say things like "Well, I would think you'd WANT to be a part of my kid's life." That kind of stuff just causes hurt feelings and further divides. Again, it only then makes the infertile person want to distance even more. It's a vicious cycle.

It would be better if there were understanding and compassion.

It's why some women regret ever telling friends and family that they wanted kids to begin with. Because, oddly, they'd get fewer hurtful comments if people thought they never wanted kids anyway. For some reason, people get weird when they think they have something you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:24 here.

So I'm the one who doesn't think "be a great aunt!" is a helpful suggestion.

I've explained why.

But now I'll offer what I do think might be helpful.

First, if you are still trying, establish a firm window of time for trying and kind of an endpoint, a point at which you will stop trying (maybe this is a time frame, like one year, or maybe it is event, like one more of X treatment). It doesn't have to be "go for broke," but really just lay out in specific terms how much time and resources and energy you can reasonably give at trying before you can feel like you gave it a good shot and really need to move on.

Second, even if you are still trying, you need to emphasize all of the things that being childfree enables you to do. Get a gym membership or find a hobby or sport or an activity that you can do that would be difficult to incorporate into a life with kids. You need to feel like there are some advantages to not having a child. This is what will stem the jealousy and bitterness. Plan trips or activities -- even if you don't think they will distract you. You need to do something that isn't child-centric to see that there is life without kids.

Third, take a little break from children. I do actually think it's helpful, at least while you are grieving and still sore and hurt that you can't and don't have children, to have time away from "family life" and friends with kids.

It's not to say that at some point you won't want to be around kids again, but I do think that until you are at peace with not having kids, it isn't helpful to spend a lot of time with other people and their kids.

Fourth, find some friends who are childfree by choice. There are plenty. I think when you are trying so hard to have a kid, it feels like everyone else is either pregnant or has kids. It feels like you are the only one. Being around people who willingly don't have children is enormously refreshing. They give you a perspective you are missing -- that life can be meaningful even if you aren't a parent.

I am going through yet another miscarriage, and the reality is hitting me that even though I can get pregnant, it seems like there's a very real possibility I can't sustain a pregnancy. For a number of reasons, DE, surrogacy and even adoption aren't feasible options for us, so it is looking like we just won't have children. We have determined a set number of additional months we are going to try and we decided that if we get pregnant and miscarry again, we are done. I actually feel better knowing that there is an end to the struggle.

The other night, I went out with a couple of old friends I hadn't seen in a while. Both are childfree by CHOICE. It was just what I needed. I realized that I have had blinders on and have been entirely too focused on children, as if that is the thing that will make or break my life. Being around women who are happily childfree, not talking about children or parenting or any of that was the best thing for me. Neither of these women dislike children, but they both have meaningful, fulfilled lives that don't center around children. And it's exactly what I needed to be around.

I'm not going to disown my friends with kids, but I know that until I either have a kid OR make peace with not having them, I need to limit the time I spend around them. It's just a temporary thing, because I do believe that if I don't have a kid, I will eventually make peace with it. But I do need to have the space and the right environment to make that peace. I love my friends with kids and I love their kids, but I know I need some time away. Even unintentionally, one friend will say something like "She's all I've got" about her daughter. And it stings, because even though she doesn't mean to be hurtful, what is implied is that without a child, she has nothing. Until I'm okay with not having kids, I just need a break from that.

That's my plan. And is one that I've given a lot of thought to.

+1 This is actually great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. I appreciate your response. Part of my comment was prompted by the frequent expression on these boards of needing to avoid pregnant friends/people with children because it's so painful. It's heartbreaking because it seems like you're doubly cheated then-- of a child and then of your other relationships. OP said herself that it feels fake to engage in a lot of activities meant to distract from the pain of infertility and asked for alternative ways to cope. I simply wanted to offer some thoughts on the counter approach.

I'm sure what you say about other parents' reaction is frequently true, and I didn't mean to gloss over the potential difficulty of it. I should have expressed more thoughtfully how it might come about, but an obvious prerequisite is having friends or family with whom you have a close, trusting relationship and share similar values. In my experience, many people are indeed open to-- and often crave-- someone else bonding strongly with their child. For our family, my son's godfather is that person. He's a single guy, my husband's closest friend. We love him, respect, would trust our children's lives with him. He's often with us on or around holidays (he has his own extended family), always for birthday celebrations. He attends my child's school as the honored invitee on grandparent's day where they read and do a project together, have lunch, watch the class presentations. My husband and I both have wonderful extended family and siblings we are close to but they live far away. DS's godfather fills a void in our lives and we are blessed to have him. I see similar dynamics among friends' families in DC, as so many of us moved away from our hometowns and families of origin.

OUCH! Once again another poster said the hurtful response so much better than the person going through it. A single guy really knows the pain of infertility and solves it all by hanging around this poster's wonderful children.
That is somewhat like saying, "oh your Dad died? Sorry to hear that! Mine is in a nursing home. I will give you the schedule and you can visit him at Sunny Horizons! He's a Dad, too"
PP I would respectfully suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself when you are around infertile people IRL. Seriously.

My example of DS's godfather was only meant to counter pp's point that other parents are reluctant to let someone else take a significant role, nothing more. Has nothing to do with the pain of infertility.

And so you posted on the infertility forum why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. I appreciate your response. Part of my comment was prompted by the frequent expression on these boards of needing to avoid pregnant friends/people with children because it's so painful. It's heartbreaking because it seems like you're doubly cheated then-- of a child and then of your other relationships. OP said herself that it feels fake to engage in a lot of activities meant to distract from the pain of infertility and asked for alternative ways to cope. I simply wanted to offer some thoughts on the counter approach.

I'm sure what you say about other parents' reaction is frequently true, and I didn't mean to gloss over the potential difficulty of it. I should have expressed more thoughtfully how it might come about, but an obvious prerequisite is having friends or family with whom you have a close, trusting relationship and share similar values. In my experience, many people are indeed open to-- and often crave-- someone else bonding strongly with their child. For our family, my son's godfather is that person. He's a single guy, my husband's closest friend. We love him, respect, would trust our children's lives with him. He's often with us on or around holidays (he has his own extended family), always for birthday celebrations. He attends my child's school as the honored invitee on grandparent's day where they read and do a project together, have lunch, watch the class presentations. My husband and I both have wonderful extended family and siblings we are close to but they live far away. DS's godfather fills a void in our lives and we are blessed to have him. I see similar dynamics among friends' families in DC, as so many of us moved away from our hometowns and families of origin.

OUCH! Once again another poster said the hurtful response so much better than the person going through it. A single guy really knows the pain of infertility and solves it all by hanging around this poster's wonderful children.
That is somewhat like saying, "oh your Dad died? Sorry to hear that! Mine is in a nursing home. I will give you the schedule and you can visit him at Sunny Horizons! He's a Dad, too"
PP I would respectfully suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself when you are around infertile people IRL. Seriously.

My example of DS's godfather was only meant to counter pp's point that other parents are reluctant to let someone else take a significant role, nothing more. Has nothing to do with the pain of infertility.

And so you posted on the infertility forum why?

She was responding to the posters who said that some people don't let people have an active role in their children's lives! Her whole point was to say that yes, she and her husband welcome and love involvement in their kid's life! Of course you can't manufacture a situation where you feel deeply connected to other people's children, but it does happen and that parent says they love it!

Some people seem to be actively looking for reasons to be hurt and offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...

I wrote this. I don't mean to say that I was not in pain at the time. I was in great pain and half the time did not really enjoy much of anything. I cried a lot. But moving around, doing something is better than not doing anything. (at least for me) It is a terrible life pain -- a grief that can so easily turn into depression. I have to say that being an "auntie" was not really an option. I found that the friends with little children were very absorbed and protective of their time and involvement with their kids and that is was very painful to be around them. It seemed like their whole LIVES turned around those kids. We did have children (finally! so late in life...) and now, nearly 18 years later, I can say that we would have been OK without kids. But that was certainly not our perspective at the time.
OP, all I can say is be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.

I'm the PP that everyone is attacking because I said the "be an auntie!" suggestion isn't helpful, and this has been exactly my experience. The thing is that that "be a great auntie" really only works if the situation arises organically. It's not really something a person can go out and do intentionally.

I'm sure the PPs who find fulfillment in being a good aunt have found something that works for them, but they have to realize that that is also a bit of luck. Some people don't have a lot of nieces and nephews or don't have friends or family with kids who will really let you play anything but a sort of superficial role in their kids' lives.

It's why I find the suggestion kind of useless.

As for the PP who says her sibling distanced herself from her kids and now at retirement is trying to reestablish relationships, that's a different thing entirely. There's a HUGE difference between taking some temporary space away from people and their young kids to get some peace and perspective as opposed to disowning family or severing ties completely. And this is another problem infertile women face: Sometimes friends and family don't understand that they just need a little space, that it's not permanent and that it's not personal. But instead, said family or friends with kids gets offended and angry and then makes comments like, "She doesn't come around because she's bitter." and then that only poisons the relationship.

I feel like it would be helpful if people understood that someone dealing with infertility might need space, that it's not helpful to say things like "Well, I would think you'd WANT to be a part of my kid's life." That kind of stuff just causes hurt feelings and further divides. Again, it only then makes the infertile person want to distance even more. It's a vicious cycle.It would be better if there were understanding and compassion.

It's why some women regret ever telling friends and family that they wanted kids to begin with. Because, oddly, they'd get fewer hurtful comments if people thought they never wanted kids anyway. For some reason, people get weird when they think they have something you want.

This is really true. So many people seem to think that after your painful m/c that you would love to "practice" parenting their kids, and that is you don't then you just weren't parent material in the first place. It is such a painful time, and it is in the very prime of your life, when your friends are just "meeting all the challenges" of being new parents. Such a disconnect. You feel like the only kid who did not go to college or something. Very awkward and hurtful. Then you have the "suggestions" which if you were in a normal state of mind you would just palm off (like how about my pyramid scheme selling soaps?" but at that vulnerable time you lack the strength to say "your are crazy and NO WAY" selling soap is going to help this, but thanks anyway, loser.

[Anonymous]

OP If you are still here: You never know what having children will bring. You never know for certain how you will feel about it. After 4 years and 3 miscarriages, I finally had a beautiful baby boy. Perfect. But, for whatever reason -- bad person, I'M crazy, it took to much out of me, unhealed scars, too much work -- whatever, motherhood wasn't for me. I realized this when he turned 2. I kept waiting for the glorious love to kick in, but it never did. Fleeting through my mind was: I am sure someone would love to adopt this baby...
Now fast forward 18 years (sorry, long) He is a great kid. He is everything you would want in a son. I am so proud of him. BUT, it just never did happen for me. Motherhood just wasn't my thing at all. I know that some of you have said, so easy for you to say, when you have your longed for kid. Well, I have my kid, but it just wasn't for me.
So there is that -- maybe does not and won'r ever apply to you.
But in one last story, I was with a friend who told me, I could have done right without having kids. I was like Wahts? You are the best and most devoted mom ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, you are missing the point of the thread. The point of the thread was not "how can I avoid receiving the same suggestions over and over again?" The point of the thread was how to move forward. People are trying to share how they found meaning and happiness EVEN THOUGH THEY COULDN'T HAVE BABIES.

If you want to be stuck forever rolling your eyes at how cliche it is when people suggest that you volunteer with kids or be involved with friends' kids or relatives, then maybe you shouldn't click on a thread where the OP is asking for suggestions about making life move forward.

The poster who suggested "being an aunt" admitted that he/she has not struggled with infertility. And so was invalidating the difference between being a parent and being tangentially involved as another adult in a child's life.

This is not the forum to come and throw around cliches we've all heard. If someone wants to come and make the OP feel like OTHERS get it even though someone clueless decided she needed to hear the same crap for the 100th time, that is also part of being on a forum.

Being an aunt is not a way to move on--you STILL have to mourn not being a parent. They. Are. Not. The. Same.

Maybe you should leave the infertility forum support to people who actually understand infertility and the myriad of complexities and emotions involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, you are missing the point of the thread. The point of the thread was not "how can I avoid receiving the same suggestions over and over again?" The point of the thread was how to move forward. People are trying to share how they found meaning and happiness EVEN THOUGH THEY COULDN'T HAVE BABIES.

If you want to be stuck forever rolling your eyes at how cliche it is when people suggest that you volunteer with kids or be involved with friends' kids or relatives, then maybe you shouldn't click on a thread where the OP is asking for suggestions about making life move forward.

The poster who suggested "being an aunt" admitted that he/she has not struggled with infertility. And so was invalidating the difference between being a parent and being tangentially involved as another adult in a child's life.

This is not the forum to come and throw around cliches we've all heard. If someone wants to come and make the OP feel like OTHERS get it even though someone clueless decided she needed to hear the same crap for the 100th time, that is also part of being on a forum.

Being an aunt is not a way to move on--you STILL have to mourn not being a parent. They. Are. Not. The. Same.

Maybe you should leave the infertility forum support to people who actually understand infertility and the myriad of complexities and emotions involved.

Oh, give me a break. If the forum police had their way, nobody who ever eventually got pregnant would ever be able to participate. And heaven forbid anyone who has secondary infertility ever voice an opinion. Any comment that contains the words "we eventually were successful" is usually followed by at least one person wondering why someone who HAS A BABY has the gall to share any opinion or experience at all.

As you pointed out, this forum is for support AND discussion. (You are the one who persists in calling people naive and then saying that your opinion is just part of the discussion, right?) If you find that you are reading too many cliches, maybe you need to spend a little less time on infertility forums.