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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]this
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sex for sure.  It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it.  42 years old.  It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex.  More like indifference now.  We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house.  She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.[/quote]

Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.[/quote]

and this:

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities:  I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.   [/quote]

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.[/quote]

Ha!  I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out.  Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.  [/quote]

I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true! [/quote]

I know, right?  I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out.  That should be like 90% of it, right?  It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it.  And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it.  Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls...  And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff.  But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.  
  
  [/quote]

I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it. 
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms. [/quote]

That’s an interesting article.  Thank you for posting.  Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone.  I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue.  I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage.  It turns out this is everywhere. [/quote]

This article resonated with me. This was my morning this morning (and most mornings)>>> So, a typical story I would hear would be the woman who would say: "In the morning I'm rushing around, I'm getting lunches together, I'm helping the kids finish up their homework and making sure everyone's wearing socks. And my husband sits there drinking his coffee on his phone. He doesn't do it on purpose. He doesn't even realize what's going on around him."[/quote]

Hm. I am a wife who sits there drinking coffee. The reason is that I strongly object to my DHs insistence on doing everything and not making our kids do any work or chores. Our kids are teens, tweens, and almost-tweens. They absolutely can make their own lunches. They can fix their own breakfast. Frankly, I think they should. At their age, I was doing far more than just making my lunch/breakfast, and my kids don't even do that when DH is around. When my DH travels for business, I tell the kids that they need to pitch in, and it's so much better. As it turns out, the kids are perfectly capable of doing chores.

This is an issue in my marriage, that my DHs anxiety and controlling streak is handicapping our kids. He will unload dishes they put in the dishwasher because they're not organized to DHs liking. He is a hoarder and won't let the kids toss their own old art projects without his green light (I am pretty sure he is angry at me that I absolutely will not check in with him before decluttering, but at least has the sense to not say anything to me). I make the kids do their own laundry. He fumes because they "take too long," but that's because he will just swoop in and do it for them.

I read things like this, and I really wonder what the real dynamic is. I am not going to participate in this controlling infantilization of our kids and want them to be marginally competent at house chores, but from the outside: yes, I just sit there and drink my coffee.[/quote]

I hate these responses.  
No.  I am not super controlling about how the dishwasher is loaded, how dinner is prepared.  I am open and welcome to suggestions.  If anything, it’s my husband who is highly critical of it because he has never done it before and doesn’t understand how difficult it can be to get these things done sometimes.  
But in the end, someone has to pick kids up from school or arrange aftercare.  Someone has to relieve the nanny on time.  Someone has to wash the dishes.  [/quote]

Make him do the dishwasher. Shuts my SO every time. Having a stay at home parent coddle him, clean everything, etc, has been really difficult to untrain because there is a knee-jerk resentfulness reality is no longer responding to the entitlement his family cultivated. Basic things like dishes had to be reframed as hallmarks of adult/manhood. Don't tolerate the criticism. No jerkoff or twat behavior should be directed at a family member over these minor things. [/quote]

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