Feels like the final straw in my relationship with my mother (long)

[Anonymous]

... and I need some help, advice, insight, please. I don't want to end my relationship with her but I am also very frustrated.

I graduated with my Master's degree last week. Earlier in the year I was not planning to go to my graduation, but about a month ago I said I wanted to and she and my dad said they were excited and wanted to go (I decided to attend partly for them because I thought they'd want to come). The university is in the same city we all live in.

I called her the day before the graduation to confirm details (they knew it was a morning graduation, and the date). She said she didn't know if she could come. I was confused and sad. She brought up a cosmetic medical reason and said she might have to go to the doctor instead, for what is a non-urgent procedure.

We talked briefly and I texted her later that day "it would mean a lot to me if you could come tomorrow."

She said "wonder why a few weeks ago you weren't going but now it would mean a lot to you if I go. Sometimes I get discouraged because I feel like I am generous then people aren't grateful.... like at the <<family event 6 months ago>> you were not nice to me... recently it has been better but often I feel a lack of care about me."

I was shocked and angry to get that as a text message the day before my graduation. I don't know what she is talking about regarding the family event where I was "not nice" to her, and it was 6 months ago, and she never said anything about this! Also, if it has "recently been better," why the need to write all this and guilt me before such an event?

I eventually wrote back "stay home." She said "I finished my work so I can come." [I don't even know what to say about that.... it made me feel awful]
I said "please stay home because I want to enjoy the day without this negativity. This day isn't about you."

She said "no kidding. I am not negative. I believe in honesty. This is a special day and I am happy for you."

This was the morning of my graduation, and I said "this is not stuff you should have texted me the day before my graduation. Please stop writing me."

I realize this shouldn't all have happened over text, but I'd already called her, she essentially expressed she didn't want to come, and she started this horrible text conversation.

For those avid DCUMers, I am the same poster from the fall whose mom was holding the inheritance money over my head to come get books (can't find the post now). My mom and I had a lot of difficulties growing up, but things got better when I moved away to college, and I haven't lived with them in years or since graduation (I am mid 20s) I am totally financially independent and have never asked for money.

Nothing bad has happened, or fighting, this year that I am aware of. I work full time and have been in grad school, so I have not been very available, but it's also been the hardest past few years of my life. I have never been as busy, or stressed, or tired.

I feel very hurt and manipulated. I don't know what to do or how to come back from this. I welcome any insight. I don't even know how to talk to her now. I don't think she understands how hurtful it was to tell your daughter the day before her graduation you just don't feel like coming.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she sounds like a pill, and someone you should limit contact with (I don't recall your previous posts, so can only comment on this one).

However, you shouldn't have written those texts!
With that kind of passive-aggressive super-manipulator, you do NOT engage, because each time you do it means she will get at you and cause you pain.

So you really have to be psychologically as well as financially independent from her.
You have to get to the point where you DON'T care whether she attends anything important in your life, or whether you update her with news of any kind, except basic info such as your address and number.
You have to create you own family, with friends, your significant other, and your children.

Then you'll be able to invite her to something, expect her to flip-flop to get your attention and throw her weight about, and when you don't respond, she will either not show up... or show up! Point is, you've done your duty and you are guilt-free.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the reply. I realized I didn't provide the rest of details....

She did come that day. She was fine. She and my sibling stayed at my departmental reception for awhile. She brought me a bottle of wine.

Later that day she also gave me a monthly check she gives me for a bill I pay for all of us (they pay most, I pay some, a family plan). She put that check, for the same monthly amount, sealed in an envelope which said "to the graduate" which also really pissed me off. Perhaps I am being too sensitive with that. But, come on...

[Anonymous]

17:50 here.

She's like my mother. But healthy relationships don't need this much wrangling and drama before the main event. I hope you're not thinking that she's all right just because she showed up.

Remember to disengage next time, when she flicks you on the raw. Don't respond to ludicrous accusations and whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:50 here.

She's like my mother. But healthy relationships don't need this much wrangling and drama before the main event. I hope you're not thinking that she's all right just because she showed up.

Remember to disengage next time, when she flicks you on the raw. Don't respond to ludicrous accusations and whining.

OP here. Absolutely not. At that point, I really didn't want her there. I was just mad. Really, really mad.

She did this for my college (undergrad) graduation too. Came, was really mean and nasty. To the point where there was a lunch outside after and I wanted my family to sit in a certain place with some of my friends and their families. She yelled at me "NO! we're sitting OVER HERE!" There have been other instances as well. I don't think I'm perfect, but I generally get along with people well.

I need to get better at disengaging. At this point, I don't know how to have a relationship with her. My dad is so important to me. We all live in the same city. At this point, I want nothing to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Same PP here.

I have the same problem! Really want a relationship with my father, but can't steel myself to invite my mother over - they live overseas, and always travel together.
I can see her ensconcing herself in my house, criticizing everything from morning till night, particularly harping on my weight, my daughter's weight (we're both on the slim side, but fat to my mother), etc.

Anyway. It's a work in progress.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP, I know exactly how you feel. I just don't know what to do now. We haven't talked since- 4 days ago. Which is not super unusual, although we'd usually talk or text during that amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the reply. I realized I didn't provide the rest of details....

She did come that day. She was fine. She and my sibling stayed at my departmental reception for awhile. She brought me a bottle of wine.

Later that day she also gave me a monthly check she gives me for a bill I pay for all of us (they pay most, I pay some, a family plan). She put that check, for the same monthly amount, sealed in an envelope which said "to the graduate" which also really pissed me off. Perhaps I am being too sensitive with that. But, come on...

Oh wow. That is pretty sick - putting her standard monthly share in a gift envelope. I would have really wanted to call her on that one, in front of your sibling. (Oh, Mom, did you mean to put your monthly phone plan check in this gift envelope? Or did you mean to put something else in here?) But it's probably better that you didn't give her the satisfaction, since she must have been trying to get a reaction out of you with a stunt like that. To me that's way more shocking than the passive-aggressive melodrama before your ceremony.

She sounds manipulative and mean-spirited and like she gets her jollies being cruel. She really made you work for it re: graduation, then sailed in at the end acting pleasant AFTER she'd had her fun and ruined it for you. (I have a parent who does something similar, at every holiday dinner. Picks fights all day, screams and bangs around, gets everyone angry and tense and upset, then sits down at the dinner table beaming once the work of ruining everyone's holiday is complete.) Avoid her as much as possible. Something is wrong here. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 19:20 - your mother was trying to get a reaction by putting the check in a gift envelope. So it's good you didn't respond. You already know you need to dis-engage from her, so I'll leave that alone. It's hard, I know. At least her manipulations seem pretty unsophisticated. Count that as a positive because you can easily recognize what she's doing. She sounds a lot like my mother and sister - cruel, and diligent about seeking out vulnerabilities.

[Anonymous]

If you can get to a point where you don't care, or aren't easily upset, by her decisions (which is hard to do since she's raised you to get worked up about it), then you can have a healthy relationship with her in which you fulfill your role as daughter - invite her to the graduation - and it's not really a big deal to you whether she fulfills hers, but you feel good for at least having extended the offer and being the bigger person.

But, it takes a lot of work to get to that point. If she's played these mind games with you your whole life, then every time she threatens to abandon/disappoint you, you essentially end up reliving all the childhood trauma all over again. When you're in that mental space of the abandoned, disappointed 5 year old, you don't act like the mature 20 something adult you otherwise are - and that's exactly where your mother wants you; dependent, needing her and acting like a drama queen so she can blame you for the whole thing. When you sent those texts, you fed right into what she wanted and she now has material to use in her narrative that you're the dramatic one.

So, whether to write her off completely - maybe that's what you need to do for now, but maybe you can force yourself to simply disengage instead. Take a break, without a big "this is the end" conversation about it. Simply stop reaching out. When she reaches out, keep it short. When you feel secure enough to engage further, take a small step and see how it goes. You can take control of the relationship by controlling yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can get to a point where you don't care, or aren't easily upset, by her decisions (which is hard to do since she's raised you to get worked up about it), then you can have a healthy relationship with her in which you fulfill your role as daughter - invite her to the graduation - and it's not really a big deal to you whether she fulfills hers, but you feel good for at least having extended the offer and being the bigger person.

But, it takes a lot of work to get to that point. If she's played these mind games with you your whole life, then every time she threatens to abandon/disappoint you, you essentially end up reliving all the childhood trauma all over again. When you're in that mental space of the abandoned, disappointed 5 year old, you don't act like the mature 20 something adult you otherwise are - and that's exactly where your mother wants you; dependent, needing her and acting like a drama queen so she can blame you for the whole thing. When you sent those texts, you fed right into what she wanted and she now has material to use in her narrative that you're the dramatic one.

So, whether to write her off completely - maybe that's what you need to do for now, but maybe you can force yourself to simply disengage instead. Take a break, without a big "this is the end" conversation about it. Simply stop reaching out. When she reaches out, keep it short. When you feel secure enough to engage further, take a small step and see how it goes. You can take control of the relationship by controlling yourself.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to the earlier posters with great advice about stepping aside and disengaging.

I just called my brother and talked to him about how I feel. He understands and said he feels similarly a lot.

[Anonymous]

"I don't know ... how to come back from this"

Just live our life. Stop talking and thinking and wondering and trying. She's just one person. She's one person is your life. If you want/when you want her to be.

[Anonymous]

You are going, you are not, then you are, you want her to come, then again no, now it means a lot, now you said something mean and I don't want you there. . . Sorry OP but you are exhausting. Yes, your mom has a ton of problems but you don't exactly set up clear situations for her to respond to. For everyone's sake, you all need to buckle down and start making and sticking with decisions that don't bend at the whims of others.

[Anonymous]

To the PP: honest question: do you have a parent with borderline personality disorder or another pathology? If so, how long did it take you to learn how to set the boundaries and deal with the puppetry that a parent like OP's plays?

I ask because while your questions aren't unreasonable, they do presume that OP has worked through a lot of the self-reflection that's hard, hard work when you're the child of someone like this.

OP, if you've not had therapy, it will help you learn how to set your boundaries and how to cope with cruelty like your mom's pushing towards you. In the immediate moment, I'm really sorry that this happened around what should have been a moment of joy and pride for you.

PS Is it my imagination or are there more than usual threads on manipulative, borderline personality, cruel moms tonight? As the adult daughter of such a woman, I welcome the threads - they help me process -- but I'm wondering if I'm 'seeing' them because I'm having a particularly tough time right now or whether there really is a spike? (Sometimes, post Mother's Day brings out the worst in my own mom so maybe that's part of the trend?)