Reply to Feels like the final straw in my relationship with my mother (long)

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[quote=Anonymous]If you can get to a point where you don't care, or aren't easily upset, by her decisions (which is hard to do since she's raised you to get worked up about it), then you can have a healthy relationship with her in which you fulfill your role as daughter - invite her to the graduation - and it's not really a big deal to you whether she fulfills hers, but you feel good for at least having extended the offer and being the bigger person.

But, it takes a lot of work to get to that point. If she's played these mind games with you your whole life, then every time she threatens to abandon/disappoint you, you essentially end up reliving all the childhood trauma all over again. When you're in that mental space of the abandoned, disappointed 5 year old, you don't act like the mature 20 something adult you otherwise are - and that's exactly where your mother wants you; dependent, needing her and acting like a drama queen so she can blame you for the whole thing. When you sent those texts, you fed right into what she wanted and she now has material to use in her narrative that you're the dramatic one.

So, whether to write her off completely - maybe that's what you need to do for now, but maybe you can force yourself to simply disengage instead. Take a break, without a big "this is the end" conversation about it. Simply stop reaching out. When she reaches out, keep it short. When you feel secure enough to engage further, take a small step and see how it goes. You can take control of the relationship by controlling yourself. [/quote]

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