Feels like the final straw in my relationship with my mother (long)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going, you are not, then you are, you want her to come, then again no, now it means a lot, now you said something mean and I don't want you there. . . Sorry OP but you are exhausting. Yes, your mom has a ton of problems but you don't exactly set up clear situations for her to respond to. For everyone's sake, you all need to buckle down and start making and sticking with decisions that don't bend at the whims of others.

OP here.

I see what you mean. I did want her to come until she came at me with that crazy text the day before the gradation. After that, and then her telling me she could come because she "finished her work," I really didn't want her there. I felt angry and manipulated. I see what you're saying about me being wishy washy... but that's just how it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP: honest question: do you have a parent with borderline personality disorder or another pathology? If so, how long did it take you to learn how to set the boundaries and deal with the puppetry that a parent like OP's plays?

I ask because while your questions aren't unreasonable, they do presume that OP has worked through a lot of the self-reflection that's hard, hard work when you're the child of someone like this.

OP, if you've not had therapy, it will help you learn how to set your boundaries and how to cope with cruelty like your mom's pushing towards you. In the immediate moment, I'm really sorry that this happened around what should have been a moment of joy and pride for you.

PS Is it my imagination or are there more than usual threads on manipulative, borderline personality, cruel moms tonight? As the adult daughter of such a woman, I welcome the threads - they help me process -- but I'm wondering if I'm 'seeing' them because I'm having a particularly tough time right now or whether there really is a spike? (Sometimes, post Mother's Day brings out the worst in my own mom so maybe that's part of the trend?)

PP, I've noticed an uptick in these threads. Not just tonight but in the last few weeks or so. Other posters' experiences help me gain perspective on my own family issues, so I appreciate them a lot. It's been such a struggle to pull free from these pathological dynamics. Helps to know how other people work through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP: honest question: do you have a parent with borderline personality disorder or another pathology? If so, how long did it take you to learn how to set the boundaries and deal with the puppetry that a parent like OP's plays?

I ask because while your questions aren't unreasonable, they do presume that OP has worked through a lot of the self-reflection that's hard, hard work when you're the child of someone like this.

OP, if you've not had therapy, it will help you learn how to set your boundaries and how to cope with cruelty like your mom's pushing towards you. In the immediate moment, I'm really sorry that this happened around what should have been a moment of joy and pride for you.

PS Is it my imagination or are there more than usual threads on manipulative, borderline personality, cruel moms tonight? As the adult daughter of such a woman, I welcome the threads - they help me process -- but I'm wondering if I'm 'seeing' them because I'm having a particularly tough time right now or whether there really is a spike? (Sometimes, post Mother's Day brings out the worst in my own mom so maybe that's part of the trend?)

PP, I've noticed an uptick in these threads. Not just tonight but in the last few weeks or so. Other posters' experiences help me gain perspective on my own family issues, so I appreciate them a lot. It's been such a struggle to pull free from these pathological dynamics. Helps to know how other people work through this.

I wonder if the uptick is due to the number of family events in May (graduations, Mother's day, etc.).

It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds like my sister who drinks, inconsistent and inappropriate behavior. Perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds jealous -- you say she created drama at your undergrad graduation.

Honestly, take some advice from someone who is in their 40's and in a dysfunctional relationship with their mother: see a therapist. Learn coping skills and how to react to her. The only behavior you can control is your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds like my sister who drinks, inconsistent and inappropriate behavior. Perhaps?

OP here. Yes. She drinks and sometimes too much. She will drink multiple glasses of wine by herself.

I drink and I like wine. But she will drink 2-3 glasses quickly.

[Anonymous]

You, OP, sound as bad as your mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your mother are both extremely passive aggressive. I can't count the number of times in your post that you alternatively told her to come and then to not come based on trying to manipulate her when you actually felt the opposite way but were angry.

Own your feelings, no matter what she does. If she makes you angry, maintain your position "Mom, I'm upset about what's going on here, but I'd still like you to come to the graduation." None of this "Well, I guess I'd rather you didn't come now since you don't really want to come." I agree that you have acted as badly as her. Stop delivering passive aggressive messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds like my sister who drinks, inconsistent and inappropriate behavior. Perhaps?

OP here. Yes. She drinks and sometimes too much. She will drink multiple glasses of wine by herself.

I drink and I like wine. But she will drink 2-3 glasses quickly.

Bad sign, OP. Consider whether your mom suffers from addiction. It would explain a lot. But, regardless, you've gotten some great advice from pps about the importance of setting boundaries and disengaging. Your mom has got you all tied up in knots because you keep thinking she will behave better and you can influence her behavior. You can't. So sorry, you deserve better. But once you can disengage (it takes work, not easy), you may be able to have a better relationship with your mom. Not great but better. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your mother are both extremely passive aggressive. I can't count the number of times in your post that you alternatively told her to come and then to not come based on trying to manipulate her when you actually felt the opposite way but were angry.

Own your feelings, no matter what she does. If she makes you angry, maintain your position "Mom, I'm upset about what's going on here, but I'd still like you to come to the graduation." None of this "Well, I guess I'd rather you didn't come now since you don't really want to come." I agree that you have acted as badly as her. Stop delivering passive aggressive messages.

OP here. I don't see what you're saying about not being able to count the number of times I told her to come or not. I wanted her to come all along until she sent me that long text about how she doesn't feel cared about enough. When she did that I felt very manipulated and didn't want her to go with that attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your mother are both extremely passive aggressive. I can't count the number of times in your post that you alternatively told her to come and then to not come based on trying to manipulate her when you actually felt the opposite way but were angry.

Own your feelings, no matter what she does. If she makes you angry, maintain your position "Mom, I'm upset about what's going on here, but I'd still like you to come to the graduation." None of this "Well, I guess I'd rather you didn't come now since you don't really want to come." I agree that you have acted as badly as her. Stop delivering passive aggressive messages.

OP here. I don't see what you're saying about not being able to count the number of times I told her to come or not. I wanted her to come all along until she sent me that long text about how she doesn't feel cared about enough. When she did that I felt very manipulated and didn't want her to go with that attitude.

Just disregard that post, OP. They misread or misconstrued what you wrote. You've gotten good advice on this thread from people who understand your mother-daughter dynamic, so just focus on processing the helpful advice and filter out what's irrelevant.