Trying to figure out how to get along with MIL

[Anonymous]

My husband adores his mom, and I don’t believe for a second that she’s a bad person. But, I have been able to tell from the get go that she and I both have strong personalities, and we don't always mesh. But, I know she loves him and she adores our son and I want to do my best to help make this all work.

Here are my issues:
1. She talks down to everyone. I can take it for a little while, but then I lose patience with it. Her family has just sort of learned to take it. I’m quite successful in my professional endeavors and I find it completely offensive when someone talks to me like I'm 5 years old.
2. She states the obvious and thinks she’s a genius for it. (We’re opening up our kitchen currently and she thought she was brilliant because she was explaining to us that now that we’ve knocked down the wall, the refrigerator doesn’t have to stay where it was - I mean, really? why does she think we knocked down the stupid wall?) (oh, really, you think mismatched appliances shouldn’t go together - no kidding, you are SO smart).
3. She repeats her ideas constantly.
4. She wants “credit” for everything positive that happens, even if she barely played a role.
5. She really values materialistic things. (she was completely offended that we only sent her cards for mother’s day and that we only bought her a few gifts for christmas-even though one of them was a $400 gift) (she constantly buys us things - even when we ask her not to). The woman didn't even acknowledge me on my first mother's day.
6. She compares me to her son-in-law (who she adores).
7. She is trying to get into DH’s head that I don't take his opinions into account.
8. When I was pregnant, she said awful things about me and my intentions and our baby and I have a really tough time letting that go.

We were with her over the weekend and she told my husband that I was completely dismissive of her and her ideas. I think I did become dismissive after she repeated herself for the fourth time. I mean, do I really have to hear someone talk about how she prefers this color over that six times in a row? I heard her the first time.

I understand that she just wants to be a part of our lives and she wants to feel like she has valuable input. Thing is, I do value her input, but in the end, I can only take her suggestions when it fits into our life and our tastes.

I think her opinion of me is that I’m too headstrong and move forward on things too quickly. She probably thinks that I’m trying pull DH and her apart. She was a SAHM and I think she thinks I’m terrible for being so career oriented - although I think she sees how much I love DS. I think she thinks I should look at her as the matriarch of my family too. But, I have parents of my own, I’m now a parent, and I think I just want to see her as a MIL, not as a matriarch of MY family.

[Anonymous]

Low self-esteem. She feels very insecure around you so she offers her "brilliant" insights, shares her thoughts and tries to hold her own. Criticism of you and your choices also falls into this.

She's also trying to assert herself in the only realm she feels she has some standing: family. She considers herself the matriarch (even if others don't) because she believes that gives her value inside the family.

Believe me, she feels insecure around you. So try not to take it personally, it really is her own set of issues.

[Anonymous]

She's trying to maintain her relevancy in your son's new family/life. Just continue to be kind while still sticking up for yourself. It does feel like you have deciphered the reasoning between some of her actions....try and throw her a bone once in a while...it will make life easier for everyone. I have to admit that I'd be very hurt if my MIL didn't acknowledge my first Mother's Day (while insisting on lots of attention for herself).

[Anonymous]

OP, try and be the bigger person. Please realize that you laid out a numbered list of grievances...that says to me you are taking stock and keeping score. I will admit that many of the items you listed would annoy the heck out of me too, so I don't blame you. I just encourage you to be the bigger person. Your MIL was a SAHM and likely feels like she can't relate to you in some fundamental ways, which is scary for her since her baby boy picked you. Try and reach out and let her win once in a while. Let her think the ability to move the fridge was an outcome you hadn't considered. So what? Let her share her opinion about a color selection again and again. Again, so what? It's annoying as hell. I get it. But come on. You'd be better served allowing yourself be entertained by her. She sounds sort of without purpose and she's trying to find some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Low self-esteem. She feels very insecure around you so she offers her "brilliant" insights, shares her thoughts and tries to hold her own. Criticism of you and your choices also falls into this.

She's also trying to assert herself in the only realm she feels she has some standing: family. She considers herself the matriarch (even if others don't) because she believes that gives her value inside the family.

Believe me, she feels insecure around you. So try not to take it personally, it really is her own set of issues.

This sounds pretty classic. Especially because she was a SAHM mom and you have a career--I've seen that dynamic play out a little bit with my own MIL.

The thing is, your MIL's feelings shouldn't be your problem. I'd turn this around on your DH a little bit: "Honey, why are you listening to your mother complain about me? We're just living our lives the best way we see fit. If she offers advice that's useful, I take it, but I'm not going to live my life according to every suggestion she makes, and, frankly, I'd probably ask her for advice more often if she didn't give it so constantly and repeatedly. I'd really appreciate it if you would handle this issue with your mother. Assure her she's important to us--I think that's best coming from you, as she's your parent--but, gosh, stand up for us a little, would you? You coming back to tell me these silly things she's said is only going to make me like her less and make me a little peeved at you that you didn't handle it."

[Anonymous]

OP, older is not always wiser. ITA that you have to be the bigger person in this relationship. If she is at least *trying* to get along with you, then she is a better MIL than some. Give her credit for her efforts. Do not go over the top, try to include her when appropriate, and try to remain neutral.

She has a challenging personality, which was there before you came along, you are not going to change it. Do the best with what you have, seriously.

If she were a mean, nasty, bitter, negative, depressed, selfish person (my MIL), I would say she is giving you nothing to work with, don't put any effort into it, don't bother. But she does seem to want to spend time with her grandchildren, which means she was probably a very decent mother herself, so try to feed on the positive.

GL. It is difficult to try to fit into a family as the new member, especially if they are dysfunctional (and perhaps make your own family look normal)!

[Anonymous]

"This sounds pretty classic. Especially because she was a SAHM mom and you have a career--I've seen that dynamic play out a little bit with my own MIL. "

Sounds like my MIL. I limit contact and when she starts her shit, we get up and leave.

Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

I sympathize! That's all. Am reading the responses too.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses. She does try to connect with me, and when we're just out to dinner or something, she's fine, we get along fine. But when it comes my DS or other things where she thinks she can give us advice, she's just so opinionated (just one instance: why don't you breastfeed in front of me, (and when I do: you didn't breastfeed him for long enough), you need to give him more solids, I gave him a whole cup of yogurt, he's still hungry, you are obviously not feeding him enough). She goes out of the way to make me feel like an outsider and like I will never be good enough to fit in with her family. My family is from a different culture too, and she goes out of her way to act like my parents are not good enough either - and I'm not as close to my parents as my DH is to his, we're far from estranged, I'm just very independent and don't call him as frequently. Sorry. I'm venting enough. It's nice to hear sympathetic responses. Is there a reason she can't just visit, enjoy her time with her son and her grandson, and learn to keep her opinions to herself? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses. She does try to connect with me, and when we're just out to dinner or something, she's fine, we get along fine. But when it comes my DS or other things where she thinks she can give us advice, she's just so opinionated (just one instance: why don't you breastfeed in front of me, (and when I do: you didn't breastfeed him for long enough), you need to give him more solids, I gave him a whole cup of yogurt, he's still hungry, you are obviously not feeding him enough). She goes out of the way to make me feel like an outsider and like I will never be good enough to fit in with her family. My family is from a different culture too, and she goes out of her way to act like my parents are not good enough either - and I'm not as close to my parents as my DH is to his, we're far from estranged, I'm just very independent and don't call him as frequently. Sorry. I'm venting enough. It's nice to hear sympathetic responses. Is there a reason she can't just visit, enjoy her time with her son and her grandson, and learn to keep her opinions to herself? Ugh.

She probably feels like the only thing she has to offer in the form of some authority is her family standing so to you she builds up belonging to the family as some big deal. It's not that she looks down on you but by making the family out to be something really fantastic then you will be impressed by her and happy to be included in such a great group.

said with sarcasm: And don't forget that she's the old hand in this clan so stick with her, keep your eyes and ears open and you might just learn something!

Hang in there and try to take what she says with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Wait, do we share a MIL? Bc this sounds a lot like mine. She's ragingly insecure, to the point that she kind of lashes out at us to get her opinion across. She doesn't like that we don't use her counsel for every decision and she just can't imagine why we'd bristle at being lectured like 5 year olds. Also, my baby isn't even born yet, but she's already telling me all the ways I could mess up and kill the baby. I feel a lot more of this "concern trolling" coming my way. She loves to forcefully tell me tips on how not to let some rare deadly scenario happen and then she gets upset I'm not jumping up and hugging her saying "omg thank you so much for the info!" and instead say something like "yes, I know, I've read about that...".

Ahem.

As other posters have said, you can't change her. The best thing to do is to change your reaction to her. That might mean sticking up for yourself if she's questioning things you do out loud. It also will probably mean letting a LOT of stuff just slide by without comment. I get through it by trying to remember the good qualities and focusing on those. When I verbalize to my husband some of my annoyance with her being bitchy and insecure, I always try to include something positive about her too. It's hard for him to realize his mother kind of sucks, and he's still going to love her, she's his mom.

Digging deep for patience is key. Sticking up for yourself here and there is good. And letting your DH handle big battles is also important.

Hang in there! It's not always gonna be easy, but just try to let empathy (not annoyance) lead the way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses. She does try to connect with me, and when we're just out to dinner or something, she's fine, we get along fine. But when it comes my DS or other things where she thinks she can give us advice, she's just so opinionated (just one instance: why don't you breastfeed in front of me, (and when I do: you didn't breastfeed him for long enough), you need to give him more solids, I gave him a whole cup of yogurt, he's still hungry, you are obviously not feeding him enough). She goes out of the way to make me feel like an outsider and like I will never be good enough to fit in with her family. My family is from a different culture too, and she goes out of her way to act like my parents are not good enough either - and I'm not as close to my parents as my DH is to his, we're far from estranged, I'm just very independent and don't call him as frequently. Sorry. I'm venting enough. It's nice to hear sympathetic responses. Is there a reason she can't just visit, enjoy her time with her son and her grandson, and learn to keep her opinions to herself? Ugh.

She probably feels like the only thing she has to offer in the form of some authority is her family standing so to you she builds up belonging to the family as some big deal. It's not that she looks down on you but by making the family out to be something really fantastic then you will be impressed by her and happy to be included in such a great group.

said with sarcasm: And don't forget that she's the old hand in this clan so stick with her, keep your eyes and ears open and you might just learn something!

Hang in there and try to take what she says with a grain of salt.

Dang, that sounds like my MIL in the early years. Lots and lots of talking about how great their nuclear family was, how they did everything special and different and awesome, and anyone who did things in a typical way like x, y, z was just boring (when my family did x, y, z things and they were just fine, not that she ever thought to ask).

OMG. It was terrible. It's largely stopped, though, and there's little to no picking at our choices about our kid. Somewhere in there DH got the message through that it wasn't appreciated, but I still can't trust that the habit is gone.