Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
R u kidding?

Most of life with kids the dad just shows up at the final thing, with no effort or aid or care of any of the steps leading up to it. Vacations, concerts, holidays, training, college apps, therapies, teen relationships, funerals, weddings, games or meets, graduations, parties, update letters, health treatments, big item purchases even.

They literally do nothing but focus on themselves or work, then show up to pretend they were part of something they had nothing to do with.

In OP’s three examples it was some concert, school field trip, and what not.

The three examples are:

Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions.

Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies.

Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon.

She probably has 100 more examples as well.

And I hope they are as trivial as cookies. If they rise to the severity of what other posters have described, I'd feel worse the the children.

Exactly.
Her kids should skip all that, stay home and play Roblox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think people are being a bit obtuse focusing on the individual tasks and arguing over whether or not they are important.

No, it's common sense.

When people assign importance to tasks, they can focus on more important tasks and de-prioritize things that are unnecessary. If your spouse and/or family is not contributing, that's even more reason to de-prioritize the unnecessary.

How can someone who doesn’t read any of their non-work emails or texts prioritize them?

The magic fairy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

If you want an underemployed man who has lots of free time to make dr appointments and cookies, then have at it. I'm sure those types of men are a dime a dozen but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be interested. But very few well paying jobs offer lots of flexibility and free time for the nonsense schools push on parents.

If you read the linked article, you will see that these men are not a dime a dozen, and in fact they don’t exist at all. Underemployed men don’t tend to spend their time doing things for their families.

Since you seem to be part of the problem here, saying that you would never date a man who is “underemployed” and seem to think that men have no value to their families outside of paid work, I would just like to hear your reasoning.

If the guy won't help around the house then he better be making a lot of of money to pick up the slack and afford outsourcing. IF your husband doesn't make much money and also doesn't help, then you have a bad picker and should have aimed higher.

Exactly.

Let him be a deadweight tag along.

To be clear, the guy making loads of money is the deadweight? Or the underemployed husband who doesn't help?

They are both deadweights within the household. The former is too lazy and selfish to spend time knowing his family members or self-direct the money towards correct resources, and the latter is a selfish leech.

LOL, what? Anyone who manages to make a lot of money for a family is working hard for that family, and is by definition, not deadweight. My guess is that anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't make a lot of money and has no idea how hard that is to do.

Said every high income neglectful narcissist out there.

It's giving broke...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

If you want an underemployed man who has lots of free time to make dr appointments and cookies, then have at it. I'm sure those types of men are a dime a dozen but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be interested. But very few well paying jobs offer lots of flexibility and free time for the nonsense schools push on parents.

And the reality is those PP's are imposing their judgment of what is "good for the family". Suppose the husbands said, I wish my wife would cut out all of the unnecessary crap and pick up some extra hours at work for the family. The kids don't need all of these extras; they'll be fine. They would be apoplectic. Yet somehow their judgments of how their husbands should "better" use their time "for the family" supersedes his. And, of course, you know that they would complain nonstop if husband was underemployed and funds to underwrite their dream lifestyle were lacking. These are just the sort of people who would complain no matter what.

My husband makes plenty of money and has decided his time is better spent at work rather than trying to DIY a leaky toilet or repairing dry wall. He's more than happy to pay someone who can do it right and not waste his time on it. That's the tradeoff we make. I handle the bulk of the kid stuff although he reads the school emails and will ask if I'm aware of this or that. He also does a lot of chauffeuring kids around. But he will never shop for the red dress or drop everything to get cookies. It works for us.

Can he tell when a toilet needs fixing?
Does he tell someone or call the repairman?
Does he arrange the repair time and let them in?
Does he pay the repair and look over the work?

Or does he see a leaky toilet or clogged drain in his very own home, and say nothing and do nothing?
Thats what I’m dealing with- and he “works” 5am-6pm at home and then drinks and watches TV from 6-9pm before crashing on the sofa. He has a 10pm alarm set on his phone to wake up and go upstairs to bed.

So the guy works 13-hour days, and here you are browbeating him to death with your horrible attitude. You can't make this up!

I'm sure you would enjoy him minimizing your "work" the same way you have done to his. You are something else.

If you are senior and working 13 hours a day due to clients, you are not managing your team or resources well. Full stop.

If you are a housewife complaining about your load and available time, you are not managing your house well. Full stop.

Weak nonresponse to an excellent point.

No it isn't. Is the same dumb point being made over and over again. PP's think that their judgment trumps their husband. Even if he has expertise in his field on how to manage workload and clients in order to remain gainfully employed, SHE knows better. But god forbid, he offer any suggestions for how to streamline the "load" at home and offer ideas for things to let go. Pathetic.

If I had a dime for every time my husband had a household or family suggestion I’d be…. Poor as F with zero dimes….

[Anonymous]

How about a rewrite where in Act 1 the wife talks with the husband about how to divide and conquer the things that need to happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think people are being a bit obtuse focusing on the individual tasks and arguing over whether or not they are important.

No, it's common sense.

When people assign importance to tasks, they can focus on more important tasks and de-prioritize things that are unnecessary. If your spouse and/or family is not contributing, that's even more reason to de-prioritize the unnecessary.

How can someone who doesn’t read any of their non-work emails or texts prioritize them?

The magic fairy.

Who needs to be told the outfits and cookies aren't that important. Does your husband really need to tell you that?

Husband says nothing since he reads no emails.

Ignorance is bliss.

[Anonymous]

Just tell me where to be honey, and I’ll be there. If I can make it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a rewrite where in Act 1 the wife talks with the husband about how to divide and conquer the things that need to happen?

Or better yet, the husband flags the need for the convo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

Some data for you OP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-myth-of-the-lazy-father

That’s Bs methodology. The work addict dad who avoids family responsibilities gets to count his 40-70 hours a week hiding out at the office, home office and iPhone as “household help?”

Yeah, we all know what that means. And what would happen if both parents behaved like that.

Right?
I mean, the fact that men spend more time at work and less time doing childcare is the exact issue.
It’s kind of upsetting that the author of this article doesn’t seem to get it.

If he's making more money for the family then it's time well spent. Making less money to have more time to make cookies for the old folks is a bad tradeoff and doesn't help the family.

Why is that a bad trade off?
As long as we have enough money for the things we need and a lot of the things we want, then why is it so awful for a man to bake cookies with his daughter instead of making more money?

If you want an underemployed man who has lots of free time to make dr appointments and cookies, then have at it. I'm sure those types of men are a dime a dozen but I wouldn't know because I wouldn't be interested. But very few well paying jobs offer lots of flexibility and free time for the nonsense schools push on parents.

And the reality is those PP's are imposing their judgment of what is "good for the family". Suppose the husbands said, I wish my wife would cut out all of the unnecessary crap and pick up some extra hours at work for the family. The kids don't need all of these extras; they'll be fine. They would be apoplectic. Yet somehow their judgments of how their husbands should "better" use their time "for the family" supersedes his. And, of course, you know that they would complain nonstop if husband was underemployed and funds to underwrite their dream lifestyle were lacking. These are just the sort of people who would complain no matter what.

My husband makes plenty of money and has decided his time is better spent at work rather than trying to DIY a leaky toilet or repairing dry wall. He's more than happy to pay someone who can do it right and not waste his time on it. That's the tradeoff we make. I handle the bulk of the kid stuff although he reads the school emails and will ask if I'm aware of this or that. He also does a lot of chauffeuring kids around. But he will never shop for the red dress or drop everything to get cookies. It works for us.

Can he tell when a toilet needs fixing?
Does he tell someone or call the repairman?
Does he arrange the repair time and let them in?
Does he pay the repair and look over the work?

Or does he see a leaky toilet or clogged drain in his very own home, and say nothing and do nothing?
Thats what I’m dealing with- and he “works” 5am-6pm at home and then drinks and watches TV from 6-9pm before crashing on the sofa. He has a 10pm alarm set on his phone to wake up and go upstairs to bed.

So the guy works 13-hour days, and here you are browbeating him to death with your horrible attitude. You can't make this up!

I'm sure you would enjoy him minimizing your "work" the same way you have done to his. You are something else.

If you are senior and working 13 hours a day due to clients, you are not managing your team or resources well. Full stop.

If you are a housewife complaining about your load and available time, you are not managing your house well. Full stop.

Weak nonresponse to an excellent point.

No it isn't. Is the same dumb point being made over and over again. PP's think that their judgment trumps their husband. Even if he has expertise in his field on how to manage workload and clients in order to remain gainfully employed, SHE knows better. But god forbid, he offer any suggestions for how to streamline the "load" at home and offer ideas for things to let go. Pathetic.

If I had a dime for every time my husband had a household or family suggestion I’d be…. Poor as F with zero dimes….

Mine wanted to blow out the garbage and make a larger kitchen. Yet have no storage or garage and devalue the property. Good times for $0.10.

[Anonymous]

* garage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a rewrite where in Act 1 the wife talks with the husband about how to divide and conquer the things that need to happen?

Or the husband initiates. Either way. Yes that's a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell me where to be honey, and I’ll be there. If I can make it!

You sound like all you do is complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell me where to be honey, and I’ll be there. If I can make it!

You sound like all you do is complain.

I don’t care about anything and I do whatever I want. So nothing to complain about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think people are being a bit obtuse focusing on the individual tasks and arguing over whether or not they are important.

No, it's common sense.

When people assign importance to tasks, they can focus on more important tasks and de-prioritize things that are unnecessary. If your spouse and/or family is not contributing, that's even more reason to de-prioritize the unnecessary.

How can someone who doesn’t read any of their non-work emails or texts prioritize them?

The magic fairy.

Who needs to be told the outfits and cookies aren't that important. Does your husband really need to tell you that?

Husband says nothing since he reads no emails.

Ignorance is bliss.

This isn't his first rodeo. In the past he said forget the green shirt, red dress and cookies and she told him that was the wrong answer. So he lets her do it her way and when she gets angry he refrains himself from telling her "I told you so". She's mad that she painted herself into this corner by insisting that this is all very important and simply must be done. He has given up.

[Anonymous]

He’s a ManChild.