Help me figure out match.com etiquette

[Anonymous]

I just joined match.com and started searching the website last night. For all those who have used or currently use the site, would you please help me figure out the best way to use it? I did a match search and saved one guy I thought was cute and he ended up being my 'favorite'! Now apparently he knows he is my favorite. I haven't even communicated with him. It appears that you can't look at someone's profile without them knowing. What is the best way to let someone know you are interested in them without looking desperate? Thanks. Any advice is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

From a guy who met DW via online dating.

Being on match is not a signal that you're desperate, nor is simply looking at a guy's profile. Since he knows you're interested, he may drop you a note or you can go ahead and contact him. Either way, I'd suggest a few email exchanges and a phone conversation/Skype session or two before your first meeting.

Match is the shotgun approach. You look at lots and lots of fairly superficial profiles, see if you find people who look interesting and take it from there. An advantage of online dating is that it forces you to actually communicate before you meet.

Some of the others (eHarmony being the other extreme) are more intensive, require more information and provide a level of matching between your profile and the people you're looking for.

However, whatever service you use, don't get too invested in someone based only on email/talking. The thing about humans is that we are communicating now in a way that we didn't evolve to do. We evolved to evaluate people face-to-face, so when our evaluation system is denied details (due to using email/phone) our imagination fills them in - and that can result in your convincing yourself about how wonderful a person is based on what you imagine rather than the facts.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you very much PP! Your advice is greatly appreciated. Can you please give me some practical advice about the site? For example, when should I wink or like someone? When to add someone as my favorite? I have only recently started using it and it seems overwhelming. I kind of jumped right in without first figuring out how to use it, and I think I have made some mistakes (adding someone as my favorite when I have not even communicated with him). Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you very much PP! Your advice is greatly appreciated. Can you please give me some practical advice about the site? For example, when should I wink or like someone? When to add someone as my favorite? I have only recently started using it and it seems overwhelming. I kind of jumped right in without first figuring out how to use it, and I think I have made some mistakes (adding someone as my favorite when I have not even communicated with him). Thanks.

Don't wink or do anything like that. If there is a profile that has something on it of interest, send a quick message mentioned what it is. Guys hate playing games.

[Anonymous]

Don't wink or favorite or like and expect for them to message you. If you see someone you're interested in, message them.

Disagree with the Skype session advice. Talk to a guy for a few messages back and forth, then try to meet for coffee or a drink. DON'T message back and forth for a month (or more!), waiting around for plans.

My best dates were those were the guy and I chatted and we met within a few days.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Winking is fine. Honestly, for guys, online dating is just a numbers game. Send out tons of messages and only a very few every get returned. So when we see ANY interest from a girl, it's our clue to message them and we know the girl will message back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Winking is fine. Honestly, for guys, online dating is just a numbers game. Send out tons of messages and only a very few every get returned. So when we see ANY interest from a girl, it's our clue to message them and we know the girl will message back.

Thanks PP! I actually 'liked' a few of the guys I thought were interesting.

[Anonymous]

Woman here (in a serious relationship due to Match).

These are my rules:

-While you don't want to be too picky, do review profiles for obvious red flags. (Examples - guys who can't write well or have spent little time preparing a profile, guys with lots of party pictures or pictures of themselves with their car, guys who sound bitter about or not over past relationships, guys with young kids who don't share custody, guys who sound like they have money problems, guys who seem like they're players.)

-Don't both winking or marking guys as your favorites. The best way to make the Match algorithms work for you is to proactively email guys who are good matches for you. The more you email, the more your profile will be placed on the daily matches sent to guys with characteristics you are looking for, which means more guys seeing you.

-You can also create a search based on certain criteria (location, age, education, etc.), which might be helpful.

-Do invest in a few thoughtful emails to see how a guy responds - you are looking for someone who is willing to put the time in to send you thoughtful responses, which means he likely has a strong interest in meeting someone special.

-Do not engage in electronic (email, phone, text) relationships. Ideally, after 2-3 emails or approximately a week, a guy who is interested in you and in dating seriously is going to ask to meet you in person. If that doesn't happen, but you are still interested, you should suggest meeting in person.

-Keep initial dates short, no more than 1 to 1.5 hours. I always preferred meeting for a drink after work - it was quick, easy, and didn't create a huge expectation. (If you do think, keep it to one drink, have a plan to get yourself home, and have a reason for leaving or cutting it short for dates that aren't going well.)

-A guy who is quality and who thinks you are too is going to ask you out again either at the end of the date, in the follow-up text, or at least w/in 24 hours. If he doesn't try to lock down a second date quickly, then he either isn't that into you, and he is either going to disappear soon after or keep you strung along while looking for someone "better."

-Do send a follow-up thank you text or email that evening, or by early morning. If you want to see him again, let him know that. If not, use a standard letdown, like "It was really great getting to meet in person, but to be honest I just don't see us as a couple. I wish you luck on Match."

[Anonymous]

I like PP's list of rules. I'll also add: sometimes first dates are awkward. Don't automatically dismiss a guy if the first meeting wasn't fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Hi pp! Thank you so much for your thoughtful list! I liked three men and it appears they havent even looked at my profile. Is this typical? I can tell by looking at the who viewed you list. Also, i emailed one guy who didnt look at my profile either. What do you think is going on? I am not really understanding this process. If i got an email or a like from someone i would look at their profile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi pp! Thank you so much for your thoughtful list! I liked three men and it appears they havent even looked at my profile. Is this typical? I can tell by looking at the who viewed you list. Also, i emailed one guy who didnt look at my profile either. What do you think is going on? I am not really understanding this process. If i got an email or a like from someone i would look at their profile.

NP here. That's totally typical. It's also typical that you might reach out and not get any response - could be for any number of reasons (busy, dating someone else, don't like your picture, not even active on Match anymore, total douchebag, etc). Don't take it personally. Just keep contacting people you are interested in. It's fine if only a very small % of them respond (and this is pretty normal) - you are looking for just a couple of possibilities unless you have the time/energy to go on many, many dates. If you post a seductive picture, you will get a ton of responses, but they won't be from the guys you want to attract...

[Anonymous]

When you view someone's profile, take note of when they last logged in. When I was on Christian Mingle, I saw many profiles that I liked a lot, but the guy hadn't logged in for over a month (most likely because he had signed up for a trial period, same as me).

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the two pps. All of the four men i have liked or emailed have not looked at my profile and have logged on within 24 hours. I guess they didnt like my picture, which i thought was pretty good. i receive notificationsthat someone looked at my profile and i log on to see who the person is. Thanks so much for your posts.

[Anonymous]

when i was on match back in the day, there was a way to disable showing up on whether or not your viewed someone's profile. so if it still has that option, they may have looked and you might not know.

the thing that frustrated me most with dating online was that it was free to set up a profile and to wink but if you actually wanted to read or send messages you had to buy a membership and there is no way or telling who is and who is not a paying member. so you might write lots of people who aren't paying members and therefore they never see your messages.