I think I am occasionally emotionally abusive to spouse and would like to stop: how?

[Anonymous]

Very rarely, usually when I am sick and or in physical or emotional pain, I lash out at my partner. For example, I am very ill and have been for 3 weeks. I asked my husband to get up with the kids and let me sleep for an extra hour. He failed to do this, so I lashed out verbally calling him selfish and that I took it as a big FU to me. It's the second time in the last few days I simply asked for an extra hour of sleep and he let the kids wake me rather than intercede.

I used to have a mild anxiety problem and I put that behind me with a self-help workbook type thing. Does anyone have any suggestions for that type of thing? I am not willing to go to therapy at this time b/c of time constraints and it happens less than once a month. I think if I just had some perspective it would help. I get this behavior from my family of origin so I think I just need a new frame of reference which I might be able to get from a book.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

I don't think calling your husband selfish is verbal abuse. You are allowed to state your anger, discontent, hurt. If you'd said he's a good for nothing, self-centered pig, that's a little different.

[Anonymous]

When you say very rarely, you mean "frequently," don't you? Ok, that was a cynical start and I apologize for that.

If he rarely takes your situation into consideration then you have a right to be angry.

However, if angry and lashing out are your typical MO then, I have to admit, I'd purposely not do stuff as well, since you're going to be bitchy and lash out whether I do or don't do what you have requested.

I say this genuinely, examine yourself. Are you lashing out more than you care to admit to us? More than you care to admit to yourself? If the answer is yes (or very damn close to yes), then he is giving you a big (deserved) FU because he knows he will deal with your bitchiness either way.

The other possibility is he's an asshole, which many women here will happily agree to without knowing the full story (and sometimes it doesn't matter if they know the full story).

[Anonymous]

Thanks pp for that. After I pressed send, I wondered if his behavior is abusive. I'm at home, sick, house a mess. all I want to do is go back to bed but I"m here with a baby who won't nap for another couple of hours. My very judgmental in laws are in town so part of me thinks I should clean the house but I"m so tired I am in tears. I want to sleep so badly that I'm crying.

Isn't that sort of abusive?

Is calling someone abusive when they are not abusive?

I have a horrible family of origin so I"m sort of willing to believe my husband when he says I"m abusive but there is that part of me who doubts.

I"m trying to remember exactly what I said. I might have said "what's wrong with you; you are selfish; wtf did you let Xyz wake me up when I asked for just one more hour" (excuse) "that's BS and you are making up excuses for your selfish laziness. you are good at putting yourself first. we can't both do that"...that might be almost exact b/c I think those words way more than I say them loudly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very rarely, usually when I am sick and or in physical or emotional pain, I lash out at my partner. For example, I am very ill and have been for 3 weeks. I asked my husband to get up with the kids and let me sleep for an extra hour. He failed to do this, so I lashed out verbally calling him selfish and that I took it as a big FU to me. It's the second time in the last few days I simply asked for an extra hour of sleep and he let the kids wake me rather than intercede.

I used to have a mild anxiety problem and I put that behind me with a self-help workbook type thing. Does anyone have any suggestions for that type of thing? I am not willing to go to therapy at this time b/c of time constraints and it happens less than once a month. I think if I just had some perspective it would help. I get this behavior from my family of origin so I think I just need a new frame of reference which I might be able to get from a book.

Thanks

What does it mean to be "very ill" for 3 weeks. That is not normal. I'm wondering if you are not taking care of yourself like going to bed earlier. Or letting some things go so you can get some rest. I'm wondering if you like to take on the weight of the world and then create drama around that.

You haven't shared what your husband's response was when you called him out on not letting you sleep. Was he defensive? Or did he apologize because he forgot? What was the conversation that happened?

[Anonymous]

I completely get doubting that it is rare but it really is rare. We are both pretty good at managing the stresses of life with humor. I would say at most it is once a month that I loose control of my anger. It is probably once a week that I repress anger at his myopia. I don't think he's an asshole but he does get in his world. For ex, our child will try to get his attention and he won't hear him...it's not even like he's looking at a phone or something. He's just in his world. He's an only child and *really* good at putting himself first. I'm an over-responsible first child of many. So I do a lot more than him and that is ordinarily fine b/c I"m super fast but when I'm sick, tired, or over extended, I break instead of bend.

[Anonymous]

Re; illness. I went to doc on Wed and have Rx now.

He called me abusive and walked away. That was his response. That's it. He left b/c he had plans with one of the kids this am.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I'm going to bed at 9 the entire time I'm sick but I"m still nursing a baby so I don't get great sleep. child 2 wakes at 7

[Anonymous]

try to reverse the situation. if your husband was in your shape (and you in his), would he be laying on bed and sleep in while you keep the house spotless and take care of the kids all morning so he can rest? would he expect you to do so? if yes, then your husband is an ass and instead of calling you abusive because you are simply calling him on his shortcomings. otherwise, if he really doing what he can and what you would do if you were in his shoes, then you may try to be more patient

[Anonymous]

He's the abusive one. No question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think calling your husband selfish is verbal abuse. You are allowed to state your anger, discontent, hurt. If you'd said he's a good for nothing, self-centered pig, that's a little different.

It's not so much what you say, but how you say it. Incl body language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think calling your husband selfish is verbal abuse. You are allowed to state your anger, discontent, hurt. If you'd said he's a good for nothing, self-centered pig, that's a little different.

One can state their feelings without name calling. As soon as you start name calling, your spouse isn't going to be interested in your feelings, nor should they be.

[Anonymous]

If he is calling you lazy when you are up nightly breastfeeding, I think he has the problem.

Honestly, this sounds like new baby sleep deprivation talk from you--and he is being a jerk not
Letting you get sleep.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being gaslighted.

[Anonymous]

My husband gets to sleep in pretty much everyday. If he acted the way you described, I'd be a lot angrier than you were. Sounds like he's a skilled manipulator and makes you feel like it's your fault.