I think I am occasionally emotionally abusive to spouse and would like to stop: how?

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like an ass. I've been there ....2 kids and a baby who I'm nursing. DH has never woken up early with there kids, not ever. Once my baby was yo at 6. And I was so drained I asked DH who was already up if I could put the 4 month old in the bouncer in the bathroom while he showered and dressed for work. He was appalled at me for suggesting it. He couldn't fathom an extra 40 min of sleep mean id be a better mother to the two children the rest of the day. Btw he never comes home until they're both in bed. We had a huge fight. Bad. After I called him at work and we calmly talked through my state. Explained my sleep deprivation and how I needed this from him. We had a good talk . My got it. And things got a bit easier.

Sometimes coming back to the topic and explaining when things have calmed down can help.

Don't clean. Easier said than done, I know. I'm a first born overachiever too whose inlaws are very critical and drop by at the wink of. An eye and instead of helping criticize and if they're not criticizing bc I be already told them my opinion then I know they're doing it in their heads. Take care of yourself for your baby and other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being gaslighted.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is a jerk who like to blame you when you point out his jerkishness. Granted, I've only heard your side of the story, but it sure sounds like your husband isn't pulling his weight or being respectful of your needs and feelings.

If your in-laws aren't helping, kick them the fuck out.

If your spouse isn't helping, well... that's a bit trickier. But the fact that you're upset with his behavior seems perfectly understandable.

Also? If his only reply to your frustration with his behavior/lack of support is a tone argument? He's wrong. And you saying it more nicely isn't going to make him any less wrong.

Sorry, OP. Your husband sounds like an inconsiderate jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being gaslighted.

+1

OP here.
I had not heard this phrase so had to look it up and I think you are on to something. I really examined my behavior and I think the one thing I do that is disrespectful but not exactly abusive is that when he walks away, I follow him and keep talking so will stop that. But he won't have the conversation.

When he is sick, he does nothing except ask me to get food for him and bring it to our room. WHne I am sick, I maintain almost my daily routine except I let the house and cooking go a bit.

Every time I point blank ask for something like more sleep, he passively aggressively doesn't give it to me and then when I get angry, says I'm abusive. I told him yesterday, before learning this Gaslight concept, that his calling me abusive is abusive because it is not true and in the case of yesterday''s fight, I think I am correct.

Next time he does this I am going to try my best to remain calm and tell him outline what he's doing (shirking responsibility, knowingly, and getting mad at me for pointing it out).

Now he's claiming he's sick so I"m guessing he is going to do nothing all week. He didn't clean up all last week so I feel better today and am spending the day cleaning. My in-laws are lovely but all they do is get my kids off schedule and do not help.