Fired my mom as DD's caretaker

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be staying at home starting this month, but I just feel so sad about this. I had to fire my own mom. I obviously didn't know my mom at all, like I thought I did. She put on a completely different face when we'd visit. She moved in with us to watch now 16 mo old DD. We pay her bills and give her money to live off of. She doesn't pay us rent. My family doesn't believe in daycare. I was supposed to stay home originally, but this arrangement seemed beneficial to everyone. Mom moves in with us post college to find a job in her field. I was supposed to quit my job when she found one. But, she hasn't looked at all. Plans on moving to a cheaper city and working at Walmart or Target if nothing falls in her lap.

Now, I realize just how much my mom is stunting the life I wanted for DD. DD is 16 mo. My mom leaves the TV on all day. ALL. DAY. She knows we don't want the TV on, but she doesn't whatever she wants to do. She refuses to take her in the car anywhere for an outing. Not to the store. Not to the mall. Not to the library that is down the street. Not to any of the toddler activities down the street. It's all right down the street with enough parking and the traffic isn't bad comparable to the rest of DC. She only took the baby in the car one time in the past 16 months. So, she winds up putting the baby to bed at 5:30pm, because she says she's tired. No, she's bored at being in the house all day Monday through Friday. I go into work late once or twice a week to take her to an activity myself. Then these past two days have been nice enough to walk outside or maybe stop at the park. My mom refused to take her out because she was too lazy. My mom's in her early 50's. If she can't take a walk around the block, then we've got a problem. I don't know what I'm going to do if I get home and she tells me they didn't go for a walk today. I'm afraid that I might scream at her. It doesn't matter. I've only got a few weeks left before I am at home with DD. I miss the summer when I could take her for a nice walk at 7am, because it was the best temp.

She won't do more than reheat food or boil a potato for DD. So, I am constantly trying to find foods that the picky toddler will eat that my mom will actually give her. I make fresh food, buy wonderfully nutritious and often easy to make foods for DD, but I wind up throwing so much out. It's one thing if DD won't eat it, but it's another if my mom doesn't even offer it to her. Let me tell you how many damn avocados I had to throw away because I'd have to ask her several days in a row to feed the baby the avocados. FEED HER THE DAMN AVOCADOS because I just spent $5 on 2 of them and now I have to put them in the trash.

She told me she didn't smoke anymore, but she lied. She's been smoking the whole time she lived with us. It was in the bathroom while she was taking care of DD, but after awhile, she started smoking outside while DD napped. That came to a head about 6 weeks ago when she was visibly upset my husband was coming home early from work. I had been clear when she moved in that if she was still smoking that she shouldn't move in with us, because it wasn't going to work out.

I address things with her. I ask her nicely. I have to advocate for my daughter. I explain why these things are important. But, if my mom really doesn't want to do it, she will lie to me. I don't know what's really happening, but things happen and I suspect things. She will do whatever is easiest for her, not what is best for DD. DD would have been better off in daycare.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, it sounds like a horrible situation. I would just go with the flow for the next couple of weeks and then you will be able to establish your own routine with DD. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for trying to make it work, and for standing your ground.
My mom is like this too, this is why the designated guardians in our will are some friends who we trust more than her.

[Anonymous]

Your mom liked the idea of being a caregiver for a little kid again but the reality of it was something different all together.

Your mom just isn't interested in doing the day to day work involved with young kids.

You made the best choice for both of you. A next good step would be for your mom to move out on her own and for you to stop paying her expenses.

And lastly don't ever use the phrase "my family doesn't believe in daycare" because it sounds silly. Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

That's silly. Not believing in daycare means that someone doesn't believe that daycare is an acceptable choice for a child.

[Anonymous]

Your mother was not a great caregiver, especially the tv and smoking, but I don't know of any daycare that's good for babies either.
Glad you'll be doing it, OP. Very few people will make the necessary sacrafices. It's the hardest job there is.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! Be your child's advocate. She's counting on you. Doesn't mean you don't love your mom. The better job for her is grandma, not babysitter.

[Anonymous]

OP so sorry to hear, and the SMOKING is the WORST! UGH!

You tried something, it was not the right choice. You could not have known. You are doing the right thing and it is something to look forward to. This is a precious precious time and you are in for a treat!!!! I understand what PP means about it being the hardest job but Im sure PP would agree its also the most fun. Certainy it was the most fun I had in my entire life. And now is the best time- coming up. Get yourself a camera, you are going to need it. Plan on documenting a LOT. So many changes are coming, so much growth and you get to see it all. Its going to be great!!! And your kid is lucky!!!

[Anonymous]

Cut off the cable, unplug the tv, and put it in your closet

[Anonymous]

Why did you let this go on for so long? You should have done something a YEAR AGO. You did your DD a disservice. Free childcare is not always free. There can be a really high cost to an unpaid caregiver (who is not the child's parent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let this go on for so long? You should have done something a YEAR AGO. You did your DD a disservice. Free childcare is not always free. There can be a really high cost to an unpaid caregiver (who is not the child's parent).

My mom is paid. You are right that I did my child a great disservice and I agree that the cost was too high.

We did tell her at the end of October that she needed to move on. I didn't realize my mom lied to me so much at first. One lie wasn't worth cutting her off, and the major revelations were months apart. I actually thought I was going crazy in the beginning and not remembering some things correctly. I mean, we couldn't find the cigarettes in the house at all. Maybe I miscounted the number of ounces of breastmilk I had in there. She couldn't have given the baby 18 oz when I was gone for 5 hours and I could only pump 3.5 oz. Why would she lie about that? Why would she see how that destroyed my life and still continue to lie about how much milk she was giving the baby? My mom wouldn't do that. Yes. Yes, my mom did. I knew that there were 18 oz missing and instead of calling my mom a liar, of which I had no physical proof, I accepted that probably counted wrong. And my daughter paid the price.

I didn't know at first that she was not going to apply for jobs. We had a rough time getting into a rhythm after the baby came and then we moved to give us more space. Those things understandably held up intense job hunting. And, it took awhile to sort out the excuses for why she didn't apply for this job or that job, or why she didn't want to go to networking opportunities anymore. It was probably Sept/Oct before we figured that out. The TV thing didn't start out as all of the time. But, I would find it on just too much coming and going for work, yet she would say things like "Oh, we don't have this on all day. We're usually in the play room." You want to believe your mom. This is a woman who I thought was one of the most self-responsible people I knew. I thought she appropriately took responsibility for her actions and I spent ten years really trying to model myself after her.

She didn't have the worst time. There are worse times for babies. But, I am glad I didn't let it go on for another year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let this go on for so long? You should have done something a YEAR AGO. You did your DD a disservice. Free childcare is not always free. There can be a really high cost to an unpaid caregiver (who is not the child's parent).

+1

And I agree with this as someone who hates victim blaming. Because you are not the victim here OP, your poor daughter is. You let this go on way longer than it should have. You "don't believe in daycare"? Well I "don't believe" in leaving your child with a neglectful and harmful caregiver because you're too proud to put your child in daycare (which is a perfectly acceptable and safe option). When you find the right daycare it's a stimulating, fun environment - all the things you didn't let your daughter have.

[Anonymous]

Op - your daughter will be fine. Many kids have grown up in homes where they aren't constantly stimulated by outings, individual attention and academic curricula, they eaten bland boring food and and watched too much TV.

Is it ideal no - but don't let people tell you you have damaged your child. You are in an area where infants are in academic programs with curricula and outcomes and the thought of juice makes people hyperventilate.

I am glad this arrangement is ending - it sounds like you mom is from a completely different generation and culture and has very different ideas about parenting. Dos she love your daughter, has she hugged her, laughed with her, bonded with her? For a little one attachment is so much more important than music class.

Don't despair. You have lots of time to stimulate her growth and development in ways that you want.

Also as for bedtime - sometimes kids are tired really early. What time is your daughter waking up in the am? You can't force a baby to sleep if they aren't tired just to suit your schedule. If your daughter is going to bed at 5:30 and sleeping all night, she needs the sleep.

[Anonymous]

I would be furious esp about the tv and smoking but your mom did raise you and presumably you turned out ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

That's silly. Not believing in daycare means that someone doesn't believe that daycare is an acceptable choice for a child.

Sort of a comeuppance for OP. She thought that daycare was unacceptable, but I can't think of a daycare, even a bad one that would have been a worse choice than her own mother, the child's grandmother. I actually know several friends and acquaintances who believe that grandparents are superior to daycare and from what they've told me, they are all wrong. Every one of the grandparents use TV as a child care alternative, many of them feed their grandchildren less healthy meals than daycares and many of them allow and encourage poor disruptive behavior (several of these children are ones who hit, bite and throw objects at people and other children, which is discouraged in all of the daycares that I know).

While staying at home and raising your children is a valid choice, I have only rarely found situations where grandparents, even well meaning ones, do a good job raising their grandchildren.