Fired my mom as DD's caretaker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

That's silly. Not believing in daycare means that someone doesn't believe that daycare is an acceptable choice for a child.

Sort of a comeuppance for OP. She thought that daycare was unacceptable, but I can't think of a daycare, even a bad one that would have been a worse choice than her own mother, the child's grandmother. I actually know several friends and acquaintances who believe that grandparents are superior to daycare and from what they've told me, they are all wrong. Every one of the grandparents use TV as a child care alternative, many of them feed their grandchildren less healthy meals than daycares and many of them allow and encourage poor disruptive behavior (several of these children are ones who hit, bite and throw objects at people and other children, which is discouraged in all of the daycares that I know).

While staying at home and raising your children is a valid choice, I have only rarely found situations where grandparents, even well meaning ones, do a good job raising their grandchildren.

and your experiences anecdotally are no different than someone else's negative experiences with daycare. You see grandparents are unacceptable based on personal experience, others see daycare as unacceptable based on personal experience. You can't assume your personal experience defines all experience. there are many, many fantastic grandparents raising kids.

[Anonymous]

....And thank God for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom liked the idea of being a caregiver for a little kid again but the reality of it was something different all together.

Your mom just isn't interested in doing the day to day work involved with young kids.

You made the best choice for both of you. A next good step would be for your mom to move out on her own and for you to stop paying her expenses.

And lastly don't ever use the phrase "my family doesn't believe in daycare" because it sounds silly. Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

I agree with all of this, and I would add that it seems like your bias against daycare might have gotten in the way of you effectively discerning whether or not your mom would be an apt caregiver for your daughter. You list many red flags - some (like the smoking) you knew about beforehand, others (the food, for instance) might not have become clear until later. On some level, I understand the sadness and resentment you are feeling toward your mom, but I think it's important to acknowledge that you have a choice in the matter (yes, even if your family or culture "doesn't believe in daycare"). You also have a choice now: you can stay home if that feels right to you, but you can also choose to continue working and place your daughter in daycare or find a nanny share or whatever. Likewise, you can continue to have your mom live with you while paying expenses, have her live w/ you while paying rent/groceries/etc, or have her move out.

I say this gently, because it does sound like a difficult situation, but please remember that you do have agency in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let this go on for so long? You should have done something a YEAR AGO. You did your DD a disservice. Free childcare is not always free. There can be a really high cost to an unpaid caregiver (who is not the child's parent).

My mom is paid. You are right that I did my child a great disservice and I agree that the cost was too high.

We did tell her at the end of October that she needed to move on. I didn't realize my mom lied to me so much at first. One lie wasn't worth cutting her off, and the major revelations were months apart. I actually thought I was going crazy in the beginning and not remembering some things correctly. I mean, we couldn't find the cigarettes in the house at all. Maybe I miscounted the number of ounces of breastmilk I had in there. She couldn't have given the baby 18 oz when I was gone for 5 hours and I could only pump 3.5 oz. Why would she lie about that? Why would she see how that destroyed my life and still continue to lie about how much milk she was giving the baby? My mom wouldn't do that. Yes. Yes, my mom did. I knew that there were 18 oz missing and instead of calling my mom a liar, of which I had no physical proof, I accepted that probably counted wrong. And my daughter paid the price.

I didn't know at first that she was not going to apply for jobs. We had a rough time getting into a rhythm after the baby came and then we moved to give us more space. Those things understandably held up intense job hunting. And, it took awhile to sort out the excuses for why she didn't apply for this job or that job, or why she didn't want to go to networking opportunities anymore. It was probably Sept/Oct before we figured that out. The TV thing didn't start out as all of the time. But, I would find it on just too much coming and going for work, yet she would say things like "Oh, we don't have this on all day. We're usually in the play room." You want to believe your mom. This is a woman who I thought was one of the most self-responsible people I knew. I thought she appropriately took responsibility for her actions and I spent ten years really trying to model myself after her.

She didn't have the worst time. There are worse times for babies. But, I am glad I didn't let it go on for another year.

I am glad you didn't let it go on for another year either, OP. And of course, there are worse times for babies - outright physical or sexual abuse (which often go hand-in-hand with neglect and emotional abuse). But what on earth do you think occurs in daycare centers? Are you truly worried that a daycare worker is more likely than a grandparent to neglect or abuse your child? Statistics are not on your side in this argument, and moreover, daycare workers are often not in one-to-one situations with children. Not saying it can't happen, but if it is a licensed daycare following regulations, it is not super likely - and actually, statistically speaking, it is much less likely to occur than a parent or grandparent (or other family member) abusing their kid.

The good news is that neglect is not black and white, and your kid will likely bounce back just fine from all of this. You are definitely doing the right thing by "firing" your mom, but next time, do it sooner. Don't put your blinders on around bad behavior. If you wouldn't tolerate it in a daycare, why would you tolerate it in your mother? Not suggesting you need to completely cut your mother out of your life - but no, she should not be your child's caregiver, and you could have changed course many moons ago at the first, second, or third indication that things weren't going well - i.e. not necessarily after one wasted avocado or request not to leave the TV, but if you ask again, and she continues to not comply (about the BIG things, not the little things), you should have realized that this isn't working out and done something about it. Now, here you are a year later still complaining, sad, and resentful. For me, one whiff of smoke or indication that she had been smoking and that would've been it. Dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. It's okay for a toddler to be cooped up all day with a smoker sitting in front of a tv eating shit and never leaving the house except very rarely in a car, but there's no such thing as a decent daycare. OHMIGOD. I guess if that gets you through the day.

[Anonymous]

There was a grandma in Target's Starbucks dozing off while holding a baby...

[Anonymous]

Gee, if only your child was being watched by more than one person. Then there would have been some sort of checks and balances. Like at a daycare.

That one statement makes me completely unsympathetic to your situation. You were purposely offensive. I certainly hope you don't say that out loud to people. Don't believe in daycare? Think about how that sounds. Not the choice for our family? Ok, that I understand.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry! Sometimes the grandmothers just don't remember how hard it was to take care of a toddler. Your job now is to move your mom along to another situation while still having a relationship, or maybe not. In any case, it is not working.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you are right to question your decision about letting your mother care for your baby all day given your concerns. However, I also think some of the posters are being way, way, way over-dramatic. The television may have been on all day because your mother doesn't like to sit in a quiet house. There are a lot of people, especially of her generation, who just like the background noise. My parents have either FoxNews or the Weather Channel on all day long. Just the way they are.

The smoking thing would bother me more, however she probably felt that since she wasn't smoking around the baby it wasn't a big deal. Again, just a difference in thinking.

I don't know your mother, but I would guess that she adores her grandchild. THAT is the most important thing. No daycare center in this world will ever be able to replace that. No nanny would ever love your baby like her grandmother (hopefully) does. Again, I'm assuming she is the typical loving (if not a little misguided) grandmother.

I don't think you damaged your daughter. I don't think she suffered by being left with her grandmother. ((hugs)) Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let this go on for so long? You should have done something a YEAR AGO. You did your DD a disservice. Free childcare is not always free. There can be a really high cost to an unpaid caregiver (who is not the child's parent).

+1

And I agree with this as someone who hates victim blaming. Because you are not the victim here OP, your poor daughter is. You let this go on way longer than it should have. You "don't believe in daycare"? Well I "don't believe" in leaving your child with a neglectful and harmful caregiver because you're too proud to put your child in daycare (which is a perfectly acceptable and safe option). When you find the right daycare it's a stimulating, fun environment - all the things you didn't let your daughter have.

+2. The smoking, the TV, the lying, the food issues....wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. It's okay for a toddler to be cooped up all day with a smoker sitting in front of a tv eating shit and never leaving the house except very rarely in a car, but there's no such thing as a decent daycare. OHMIGOD. I guess if that gets you through the day.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your mother has displayed really outrageous behavior (smoking???) and I understand that since she was your mother, and you perhaps did not want to suddenly quit your job, you let it go on for some time.

Please ignore the PPs who pile on the guilt! I know you are feeling bad already. Tell your mother in simple, direct language, what exactly she did wrong. Withdraw the financial help. She does not deserve it right now.

And think about the wonderful fresh start you are giving your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom liked the idea of being a caregiver for a little kid again but the reality of it was something different all together.

Your mom just isn't interested in doing the day to day work involved with young kids.

You made the best choice for both of you. A next good step would be for your mom to move out on her own and for you to stop paying her expenses.

And lastly don't ever use the phrase "my family doesn't believe in daycare" because it sounds silly. Do you mean that your family doesn't believe that a thing such as daycare can exist?

I agree with all of this, and I would add that it seems like your bias against daycare might have gotten in the way of you effectively discerning whether or not your mom would be an apt caregiver for your daughter. You list many red flags - some (like the smoking) you knew about beforehand, others (the food, for instance) might not have become clear until later. On some level, I understand the sadness and resentment you are feeling toward your mom, but I think it's important to acknowledge that you have a choice in the matter (yes, even if your family or culture "doesn't believe in daycare"). You also have a choice now: you can stay home if that feels right to you, but you can also choose to continue working and place your daughter in daycare or find a nanny share or whatever. Likewise, you can continue to have your mom live with you while paying expenses, have her live w/ you while paying rent/groceries/etc, or have her move out.

I say this gently, because it does sound like a difficult situation, but please remember that you do have agency in your life.

You missed the part where OP said she was in the process of becoming a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

How was she supposed to look for a job and go to networking events if she was working full-time caring for an infant. You can't exactly go on job interviews with your granddaughter.

With that being said the smoking was wrong. All the other things are personal things that if she had not been your mom you would have prob found out during your interview process.

Your 16 mos old really goes to bed at 5:30?? What time does she wake up? When do you get to see her during the week?

[Anonymous]

I totally understand just had to fire my mother because she was just sitting down all day and putting my daughter in front of the tv and although we were paying her she was stealing from us on a daily basis. I am so relieved someone else has been through this even though I am sorry because I know how stressful of a situation this must be for you. I wish I could work from home but it's not possible at this time. Although I was opposed to daycare before I'm beginning to think it might be an option. I thought I was going crazy too at first when little things were missing or my kid was acting unusually spoiled. But it kept going and my mother became manipulative insulting me and making jokes at my expense in public. It got to the point where I couldn't stand her and I called her and said we found a new babysitter. We haven't spoken since because she tells me someday I'll know the truth that she did nothing wrong. That's her life story playing the victim and i want her and my daughter to have a relationship but I don't trust her. I know this didn't help but you're worrying about your child's well being and that's more important than worrying about your mother's feelings she's an adult