parents cannot stop treating me and siblings as if we're 10

[Anonymous]

Although all of their children are well over 30, living on their own, 1 married, my parents cannot stop treating us as if we're little kids who always need their help or need to be reminded to do everything including tie our shoes. Even my husband has noticed this. For example, if it's tax season, they take it upon themselves to send us emails reminding us that we need to get our taxes done and make sure we've collected all of our paperwork and rolled over any IRAs that are due. Um, of course my husband and I know we need to handle our finances-- heck, we even have an accountant. Then, when we moved to a new house, we got a lecture about how we have to make sure we're moving into a safe neighborhood because now that we have a baby, we need to consider these things more seriously.

At times, my husband found their behavior insulting as he knows to look after things like his finances and family (his own parents don't do this, at all). The one thing that we are starting to find insulting is their constant offer of money, as if we're kids who can't afford to buy our own items or things for our baby, i.e. "you know DC will need his own bowls and spoons, yes?" Aside from ignoring them, is there really any good way to handle them? The last thing I want to deal with is when our kids are older, having them witness my parents trying to infantilize us with their demands, lectures and offers of money. Granted they were like this when we were actual children, but it's unsettling that it's continued into our adulthoods as well. It's as if they can't just sit back and let go and let us make our own choices and mistakes if need be.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Hopefully your parents will be dead by then and you won't have to worry about this.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are definitely on own, financially, OP. But emotionally, although we have been independent for some time, and have always been the most independent (and intend to stay that way) - there is a part of our birth families that have a hard time with it. Are you the youngest, by chance?

Maybe this is your parents way of trying to hang onto their mortality?

[Anonymous]

Just keep saying, "Thanks Dad, we're on it." "We already are on top of that Mom, but thanks."

I got my mother to stop by using a combination of that and saying to my mother "hey, when you were my age, did you need reminders of when your taxes were due/how to care for me and Sima/etc?" so she'd realize what she'd been capable of when she was the age I am now.

[Anonymous]

Did either or both of your parents grow up in a household where money was very, very tight, so their own parents were careful about money?
Did either or both grow up in a household with plenty of money, so their parents were always focused on and talking about it?
Did they grow up where their own parents were either irresponsible with money OR highly responsible with (and uptight about) money?
Did they experience money issues when they were your age, married, with you and your siblings were young kids?

Any of the above can make older adults very focused on and worried about finances. They are not being evil, toxic, mean, critical, cruel (at least, not based on what you describe). sn't it possible they are awkwardly acting out of concern for you, and based on their own past experiences (if any of the above apply to them, that is). They can't help the fact that their experiences have made them this way, though yes, they can help the fact that they approach you in ways you don't welcome.

Have you ever tried just saying, respectfully and firmly, without criticism: "Mom, Dad, I appreciate that you are concerned about us and want to know we are secure. I get that you are just trying to look after us. But please don't worry about whether we are getting the taxes done right, or need money-- we have it covered and taken care of. When you offer us money, I know you mean it kindly and are trying to help, but we're fine. Keep your money for what you want and need. What we would really, really like from you is your time as grandparents."

Because...they do mean it kindly even if you feel it is criticism. They likely would be appalled with themselves to realize that they were coming across as critical or condescending.

Please think through where they are coming from. If they are from backgrounds of little money or a lot of money or poorly handled money, they are basing their "interference" on that. And they won't know that it bothers you unless you tell them. But I would cut them some slack and try to see this as their desire to be helpful. You can simmer with anger over it, as you're doing now, or you can try to see why they're doing it, and redirect their energy toward something else.

As for whether you know the baby needs bowls and cups....Again, they haven't done child-rearing for years. They mean well. If they start showing up at all hours demanding to take the baby off with them, or staying for hours on end and not leaving, etc., that's a real issue. But they are trying to help. You see it as interfering and treating you like a child, but maybe they wish someone had been there for them like this when they were young parents....Talk to them rather than fuming.

And meanwhile -- have you sat down recently and thought about their good points? Surely they may have a few to focus on that outweigh their ham-fisted attempts to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ Hopefully your parents will be dead by then and you won't have to worry about this.

So what you're saying is everyone on this site has to accept difficult or in some cases abusive behavior from parents because one day they'll be dead and well feel cad? It's all or nothing?

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. I think it's an anxiety issue as well as cultural. Their parents died when they were young and they were on their own at 18.

I usually ignore the emails and if they mention it on the phone I tell them I've got it and change the subject. Personally I don't think it's a big deal. It's not personal, it's more about them than you.

[Anonymous]

The only reason my parents don't do this is because they live in a different country and haven't a clue about paperwork in the US.

Whenever we visit them, though, it's like going back in time and being 10 again: we are accompanied everywhere, and told how to do things, etc...

Which is why we only visit 10 days once every year AT MOST.

Limit visits, emails and phone conversations. Do not feel obligated to answer every single message!

[Anonymous]

Same thing for me. Remember it is coming from a "good place" and they mean well...although I know how annoying it can be. My parents are currently is Asia on vacation, and I get reminder texts/emails to get my car serviced, stay on budget, repair I-phone, etc.

[Anonymous]

We had a family friend of many years who knew my mother from when my mother was a child. Her family threw her a big celebration for her 100th birthday and at the celebration, her one son got up and began his speech saying that despite being 68 years old, the father of 3 and the grandfather of (I think it was 7) that his mother still called him when it rained or snowed and asked if he had a warm coat and to chide him to wear a scarf and gloves. Sadly she passed away about a year after the event and he wishes that she was still around to treat him like a child.

More to the point, one of the issues may be that you just ignore what they say or don't address their concerns. While they know logically that you are adults, they don't know for sure what you've done, so they continue to give their parental advice. I've found with my parents that giving them slightly more substantial answers helped to avoid some of these repititions:

Don't forget to get all of your tax documents and file your taxes.
--Thanks Dad, but our accountant reminds us what we need.
(Next year) Don't forget that you need to file your taxes and get all of your documents.
--Remember we hired an accountant, Dad? I told you that. She takes care of all of that.
Do you need money for bowls and cups for the baby?
--Not a problem, Dad. We got some at the baby shower.
--We took care of that last week, Dad, so we're all covered, thanks.

I found that with more details, it only took 3-4 times for each bit of advice to settle down, whereas if I didn't provide details, ignored them, etc, that the advice tended to continue indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

If my parents were around and were offering to buy necessities for my family, I'd gladly accept. It's nice to have extra money to pay for the fun things you want to do with your family.

And, not be be snarky, someday you will laugh about this and you will miss it. They mean well and it's really pretty nice.

[Anonymous]

Give them the most outrageously graphic possible answer to every comment, followed by a patronizing facial expression. They'll stop. Worked here.

[Anonymous]

I think this has less to do with financial issues than it does with parents not having an identity outside of being parents. Do they have hobbies? Do they call too much? Do they expect you for every holiday? Have trouble sharing you with ILs? Do they do anything as a couple or is their social life all about family events?

[Anonymous]

My parents worry about us simply because - they are parents! They aren't prying for info, just offering suggestions based on life experience. And frankly, they are a little bored. You can be kind about it (like 18:00) or you can be a jerk (like 20:03)

[Anonymous]

I used to get very angry about my parents doing this and then my husband taught me to see the humor in the situation. Now the phone rings and we laugh about my parents calling to remind us to wipe our butts.