parents cannot stop treating me and siblings as if we're 10

[Anonymous]

My ILs do this and it's beyond insulting IMO. My dad also gives financial advice that can come off as condesending but he does it when he & I are alone so he's not undermining me in front of DH or the kids; that I can handle - I either engage him on the issue if I want advice or just cut it off with "we're actually doing really well, you don't have to worry."

For my MIL, I have had to pull her aside and talk to her. I told her "I understand as a mother, you'll always be watching out for DH and that's wonderful. He's your baby and always will be but it's a bit tricky to treat him like an actual baby in front of his kids; it's confusing for them to see their father treated as if he can't manage something as simple as combing his own hair - what are they supposed to think when he combs their hair in the morning? I don't want them to start wondering if their father is indeed capable of caring for himself or his family. I know you don't mean to question his capacity in front of them, but if it's possible, do you think you could hold off on those kinds of comments until you & DH have a moment alone? Perhaps you'll still want to bring it up, perhaps he will have already done what you were worried he'd forget, but either way, I think it would be best if that kind of commentary could just be put on hold when the kids are around." Then it's up to DH how to handle when it's just him & MIL.

[Anonymous]

I ignore the emails that are really out of hand - oh, i saw in the news that it's snowing your area, don't forget your coat! - or don't forget to file your taxes - or don't forget to transfer funds from your savings to checking since the end of the month is coming up and bills are due!

The frequency of those kinds of emails, from my parents, at least has subsided when I ignore them. I will, alternatively, write them in a separate email to update them on my life generally, just in case that was their excuse to reach out. So I try to make it clear that I'm not ignoring their attempts to communicate with me, I'm just ignoring the infantilization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs do this and it's beyond insulting IMO. My dad also gives financial advice that can come off as condesending but he does it when he & I are alone so he's not undermining me in front of DH or the kids; that I can handle - I either engage him on the issue if I want advice or just cut it off with "we're actually doing really well, you don't have to worry."

For my MIL, I have had to pull her aside and talk to her. I told her "I understand as a mother, you'll always be watching out for DH and that's wonderful. He's your baby and always will be but it's a bit tricky to treat him like an actual baby in front of his kids; it's confusing for them to see their father treated as if he can't manage something as simple as combing his own hair - what are they supposed to think when he combs their hair in the morning? I don't want them to start wondering if their father is indeed capable of caring for himself or his family. I know you don't mean to question his capacity in front of them, but if it's possible, do you think you could hold off on those kinds of comments until you & DH have a moment alone? Perhaps you'll still want to bring it up, perhaps he will have already done what you were worried he'd forget, but either way, I think it would be best if that kind of commentary could just be put on hold when the kids are around." Then it's up to DH how to handle when it's just him & MIL.

Doesn't it sort of undermine the point about him being an adult if you have to give this speech on his behalf?

[Anonymous]

I hear ya OP. I'm married with a kid of my own and yet my mom still treats me like a child. I just got into it with her today because we are currently living abroad and using my parent's address as our mailing address. A bill came in for an appt I had over Christmas and it had not been submitted through the insurance. Mom emails me to tell me this and says "give me your insurance information, I'll call the office for you" I said it was ok and I'd call the insurance company first to make sure it hadn't been run through and coded wrong (it's happened before) and that I wanted to save myself that step. Before I could do it, my mom emailed my husband at work to get the information and called the office herself. I don't know if she doesn't trust me to do things or what. It drives my husband crazy because she almost always sends him any information that I'm supposed to do and if I don't do it in a timely manner according to her, she starts to bother my husband about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's very sweet to have parents who care enough (or even habitual in their ways) to remind you of these things. While it may be annoying and can be perceived as them trying treat you like children, you can look at the reminders that they love you. Personally, I think you're very lucky and should at least try to see the sweetness in their gestures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's very sweet to have parents who care enough (or even habitual in their ways) to remind you of these things. While it may be annoying and can be perceived as them trying treat you like children, you can look at the reminders that they love you. Personally, I think you're very lucky and should at least try to see the sweetness in their gestures.

+1
I don't think I am the type to treat my own children this way one day but I sure hope they don't grow up to be surly and ungrateful like the OP.

[Anonymous]

My parents occasionally send articles about cell phone use, the flu, health supplements, etc. fwiw I am a grandparent...

[Anonymous]

So interesting. My parents stopped parenting me when I was about 11, and I've grown up resenting the feeling that I've had to learn many things the hard way and have had no one "watching my back." (I'm well past the age of needing parental support, but that feeling of being all alone in the world is the baggage I carry.) Just sharing the flip side, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents do this, but I think it's because they just want to feel useful and needed. It's kind of sad, actually, I think. Most of the time I just shrug it off with the above in mind, but sometimes I can't. A few weeks ago it drove me so crazy, that I actually said to my mother that I know she thinks I am incompetent and incapable of handling household chores, but I can handle them. She was taken aback, and said, "I don't think that." I didn't take it much further than that, but she seems to have become a bit more aware and careful.

[Anonymous]

Some people would love to have parents around to do this. Try to enjoy them OP, even if they are a bit of a pain. Someday you will long for them.

[Anonymous]

My mom calls to remind me to dress warm on cold days. I'm 41! I've tried explaining that I've been dressing myself for several years, but still she persists.

[Anonymous]

I started doing it back: "Mom, did you remember to take fluffy in for her heartworm pills?" "Don't forget to get the snow tired put on, Dad!" They got my point.