I think my DS is gay, maybe even transgender

[Anonymous]

First, let me start by saying, no matter what he is, I love, adore, accept him, & I am his biggest cheerleader. However, he is only 7, & I want to make sure I handle this right going forward. I thought it was something he would outgrow, but as long as I can remember, he's said "I'm a girl", or only is interested in girl things or wearing my clothes. He's very effiminate, obsessively talks about makeup and fashion & lately, has been talking about having a boyfriend. But he LOVES to be around girls. I don't want him bullied or hurt. Is 7 too young to "label" him? Is this possibly a phase? Has anyone else dealt with this? This may be a battle I have to handle alone. THe family isn't really supportive, but I have no issues cutting them off. I've already started to back off. I'm being made to feel that I can fix it, or I've done something by letting him only play with girls, or by having no man in his life, which is the most infuriating. Yes, I buy him dolls, because that's what he wants. I'm not going to force cars and trucks on him because it's "what he's supposed to do". We hardly ever do playdates with boys, because he doesn't want to. I'm being told that because he's 7, he shouldn't be making the choices for himself. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

What does dad think

[Anonymous]

I'm not OP, but the dad is not asking the question, she is. OP, I don't have any experience to offer, but I'm hoping that someone more knowledgeable can weigh in with suggestions and resources. It sounds like you love your child and accept him the way he is, which is THE MOST important thing. You sound like a wonderful mother. Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

I think it might be a good idea to see a psychologist - not because there's anything wrong with your kid, but just to help you cope with it (like you said, others aren't being supportive and it's making you question what you should do) and maybe to help him be prepared in case he does experience difficulties.

BTW, I think it's not highly unusual - we have a 7 year old neighbor who is very similar, and I can think of one boy at school who also prefers playing traditionally 'girl' things as well. It would be great if you could find friends for him who are similar. Otherwise, play dates with girls at that age is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

My issue would be that the only parts of being "feminine" that he's into are the looks - makeup and fashion. I'm a straight woman and never wear makeup and am not into fashion. So I would work to correct that misconception.

[Anonymous]

I think right now your two biggest tasks are to make sure he knows you love him just the way he is (sounds like that's covered) and try to ensure his school environment is welcoming and not bullying. See if PFLAG and GLSEN have some useful resources for you to prepare for meeting with his teacher and principal regarding asking what the school does to ensure all students, including gender non-conformists like your son, have a safe learning environment (anti-bullying curriculum?) and what they plan to do if any problems arise.

[Anonymous]

When I was young, I wanted to be a boy so bad. I only played with boy toys, and only wanted to play with other boys. I wanted all the boy to see me as "one of the boys". I think I grew out of it around 5th grade or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was young, I wanted to be a boy so bad. I only played with boy toys, and only wanted to play with other boys. I wanted all the boy to see me as "one of the boys". I think I grew out of it around 5th grade or so.

I think you should not make a big deal out of it either way.

Just don't make it a topic of conversation or anything notable. Just love him and keep an eye out for bullying.

Either it is a phase and he will grow out of it, or not.

Does he have any men involved in his life in any meaningful way?

[Anonymous]

Studies show that girls tend to grow out of it more than boys. There have been many recent articles about transgender in young age. I would talk to a psychologist first and then see if there is a support group/local parent that you can talk with, someone who has been through this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Studies show that girls tend to grow out of it more than boys. There have been many recent articles about transgender in young age. I would talk to a psychologist first and then see if there is a support group/local parent that you can talk with, someone who has been through this before.

I have read this too, but I've wondered, do girls grow out of it because it's easier for society to accept a tomboy than a "girly" boy? So, girls can be what they are, go through their phases and become themselves, while boys are not as free to go through their phases.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am a single mom. Yes, there are male family members in his life. But, this to me, is irrelevant, & dirves me crazy when people ask. 100% of the gay men I know had both a mom and a dad. So, I don't see how the question, where's dad, or are there any meaningful men in his life is going to make any difference. He is who he is. Sorry, but a man can't "fix" this, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Other than saying "I'm a girl", your son is very much like mine. He loves make up and fashion. There are some "boy" toys that he's enjoyed, but more often than not, he gravitates toward his sister's toys and she is quite happy for the playmate so she willing shares. He has his own sense of style, which can be over the top sometimes, and he still dresses up in his sister's princess dress up clothes. He hangs mostly with girls and only this year, at age 11, developed some friendships with boys. But he prefers girls. I don't know if he's gay but I won't be surprised if he is.

I just let him be who he is - not that I could change it anyway. He's very sure of himself in that regard, which is almost eerie because he's so young to have the level of confidence and self awareness that he has. On occasion I've told him that I thought something or another that he has on might lead to teasing by other kids. Not that I care that he wears it, but just think that he should understand and make the decision knowing this could be a consequence. He's responded by telling me that people do sometimes tease him about his clothes, but he's ok with that. He likes his style and he can't really be something he's not. His teachers tell me that even though he is different, he's well respected because he's so confident. Other kids are often surprised at what he thinks to put together in terms of outfits, which sometimes mix girl and boy clothes (he has a sister and she lets him borrow). They haven't seen anything that worries them.

I worry about him a little when he hits middle school next year because that seems to be a time when kids are really hard on each other. But, I have already been through middle school with my oldest so I have some familiarity with recognizing problems and knowing what to do and how to deal with them. Hopefully it won't be an issue. I don't worry so much about high school because we are zoned for a very artsy school where pretty much anything goes.

No advice really, but I don't think you can change who he is by making choices for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a single mom. Yes, there are male family members in his life. But, this to me, is irrelevant, & dirves me crazy when people ask. 100% of the gay men I know had both a mom and a dad. So, I don't see how the question, where's dad, or are there any meaningful men in his life is going to make any difference. He is who he is. Sorry, but a man can't "fix" this, in my opinion.

No one said anything about how having a man in his life will "fix" anything.

However, a loving, involved father figure, grandpa, uncle, etc can help him to learn to love himself, whatever kind of man he ends up becoming.

Saying that having a man involved in a young boy's life has no value or is irrelevant is naïve and narrow minded on your part. There is a great deal of value to your son to have loving adults of both genders involved in his life, especially since the life you think he will live is going to be one of a lot of heartbreak and turmoil for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than saying "I'm a girl", your son is very much like mine. He loves make up and fashion. There are some "boy" toys that he's enjoyed, but more often than not, he gravitates toward his sister's toys and she is quite happy for the playmate so she willing shares. He has his own sense of style, which can be over the top sometimes, and he still dresses up in his sister's princess dress up clothes. He hangs mostly with girls and only this year, at age 11, developed some friendships with boys. But he prefers girls. I don't know if he's gay but I won't be surprised if he is.

I just let him be who he is - not that I could change it anyway. He's very sure of himself in that regard, which is almost eerie because he's so young to have the level of confidence and self awareness that he has. On occasion I've told him that I thought something or another that he has on might lead to teasing by other kids. Not that I care that he wears it, but just think that he should understand and make the decision knowing this could be a consequence. He's responded by telling me that people do sometimes tease him about his clothes, but he's ok with that. He likes his style and he can't really be something he's not. His teachers tell me that even though he is different, he's well respected because he's so confident. Other kids are often surprised at what he thinks to put together in terms of outfits, which sometimes mix girl and boy clothes (he has a sister and she lets him borrow). They haven't seen anything that worries them.

I worry about him a little when he hits middle school next year because that seems to be a time when kids are really hard on each other. But, I have already been through middle school with my oldest so I have some familiarity with recognizing problems and knowing what to do and how to deal with them. Hopefully it won't be an issue. I don't worry so much about high school because we are zoned for a very artsy school where pretty much anything goes.

No advice really, but I don't think you can change who he is by making choices for him.

OP here again. Really helpful and thoughtful post. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you think men are irrelevant and important may be something he is picking up on and internalizing.

Regardless of orientation it is important he can get along with both boys and girls as a life skill. I would be hesitant to allow him to cut out interactions with boys and that too could be learned behavior if he doesn't see you if he doesn't see you interacting with males and he hears from you about how having men in your life is meaningless.

Being a well rounded person is important no matter who he grows up to be. You see to really want to give him a label, and I am not sure why. You want want to expose him to other toys and other friends because once he participates he may enjoy that as well. He may always like playing with girls and dolls more than boys and trucks and that is fine, but he should be able to interact comfortably with males and females.

I would definitely see a psychologist. I would also bring male influence into his life - not to change his orientation but so that he can see that being male doesn't mean you are irrelevant, meaningless and useless.