I think my DS is gay, maybe even transgender

[Anonymous]

There is a great children's book about a boy who wore pink and is aimed at dispelling the gender stereotypes of boys dressing a certain way. But my middle-aged brain can't remember the title. It was written by a mom of a boy who wears "girls" clothing and identifies as female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

I didn't mean to disturb anyone. Actually, you're incorrect with regards to your last sentence. Gender dysphoria is a very real condition, and children really do experience it. Children with gender dysphoria do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. "Feels in his heart of hearts" is phrase to describe feelings so strong that you would hurt yourself to become the opposite gender. It's not a passing phase or experimenting. I have listened to a mother talk about her 6 year old who was born a boy. He attempted to cut his penis because he did not want to be a boy; he felt he should have been born a girl.

It is not treated by telling the child to "get over it."

I invite you to read about it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Introduction.aspx
http://www.webmd.com/sex/gender-identity-disorder

One is not "assigned" a gender at birth, like one is assigned a name. One is born male or one is born female, with body parts to match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.) ... Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

One is not "assigned" a gender at birth, like one is assigned a name. One is born male or one is born female, with body parts to match.

Umm, wrong. At least 1/250 or so kids is born with internally disuniform, incomplete, orother hormonal or even biomechanical gender characteristic determinants. This is a plain-vanilla AP bio fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.) ... Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

One is not "assigned" a gender at birth, like one is assigned a name. One is born male or one is born female, with body parts to match.

Umm, wrong. At least 1/250 or so kids is born with internally disuniform, incomplete, orother hormonal or even biomechanical gender characteristic determinants. This is a plain-vanilla AP bio fact.

The "umm" is cute, but your "fact" has no basis in reality!

[Anonymous]

OP- you sound great. I have no idea if your son is gay or transgender. Only time will tell. And, in all likelihood, if he is either, he will identify as something completely different by the time it becomes relevant. As a member of the queer community, things are quickly changing in terms of identifiers and nomenclature that people choose for themselves on that front. As for the logistics, and I say this with a ton of experience, you are on the right track. You are aware that something could be going on that has broader repercussions and you are attuned to it. You love him and allow him to be himself and that is such a huge part of the battle for GLBTQ youth. Again, I acknowledge that he may not be an GLBTQ youth but, just in case, you are just awesome for wanting to make sure that he is "covered" with regards to issues related to bullying, etc. I do not know where you live or how progressive your elementary school or your school system is but, depending on how this goes, you will want to keep in mind issues related to bathroom usage, name calling, curriculum inclusion, etc. I know that some conservative people following this thread will probably jump down my throat at that last one but, realistically, it does make a huge difference to kids who are gender variant (term that could mean anything from transgender to playing with the "opposite gender toys" at this point in his development) to have authority figures throw in random facts like, "boys can wear skirts if that is what they feel most comfortable with wearing." Again, I know some people will freak out at this idea but I hail from the West Coast and, well, the environment is just a lot different for these kids depending on where you are specifically. Anyway, I do not want to generalize about your son since everyone is different and comes to an AHA! moment at different times. I would say to take the watch and see approach while arming yourself with resources. Here are a few to get you started:

https://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resources-on-gender-variance-in-children
http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=6178&Type=Program&Name=Gender%20and%20Sexuality%20Psychosocial%20Programs#__utma=149406063.1187537227.1392045974.1392045974.1392045974.1&__utmb=149406063.1.10.1392045974&__utmc=149406063&__utmx=-&__utmz=149406063.1392045974.1.1.utmcsr=google|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=-&__utmk=238998912


And, if it were one of my kids, I would probably connect with a good psychologist who specializes in these issues and, if you can afford it, start taking him regularly (maybe once a month) so that you have a sounding board as this plays itself out. Depending on where your son might take you, you may have to consider stopping male puberty, etc. I don't want to get ahead of things in this regard since he is still so young but, you know, some people know this early on and some people have absolutely no clue. And some, just grow out of it. Seven is kind of magical that way!

Lastly, keep loving him like you are! Parental love and support really can conquer all of the other bs that queer people have to deal with as they figure out how to stand tall in the world. Oh, and, who gives a crap about having a strong dude around, this is about your little dude?! and no "man in his life" is going to change who he was born to become. With the exception, of course, of one that decides to try to beat it out of him (which I imagine some of these awful people on here would support) which will only delay the process or make him extremely depressed/vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Elementary school principal - please don't put so much information about the child and family online (e.g. parent's job, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a single mom. Yes, there are male family members in his life. But, this to me, is irrelevant, & dirves me crazy when people ask. 100% of the gay men I know had both a mom and a dad. So, I don't see how the question, where's dad, or are there any meaningful men in his life is going to make any difference. He is who he is. Sorry, but a man can't "fix" this, in my opinion.

No one said anything about how having a man in his life will "fix" anything.

However, a loving, involved father figure, grandpa, uncle, etc can help him to learn to love himself, whatever kind of man he ends up becoming.

Saying that having a man involved in a young boy's life has no value or is irrelevant is naïve and narrow minded on your part. There is a great deal of value to your son to have loving adults of both genders involved in his life, especially since the life you think he will live is going to be one of a lot of heartbreak and turmoil for him.

Just FYI, OP, I am married to someone who transitioned from one gender to the other. We have two beautiful children, are well-employed, have strong relationships with both of our families, are well educated, travel, give back to our community, have great friends who know us for who we are and love us, and are overall some of the luckiest people that I know. So, though some jerks may make periods or instances of your son's life difficult (and everyone encounters this anyway), he can DEFINITELY have an awesome life being whoever he turns out to be. Turmoil and heartbreak are not the norm in our lives. In fact, I would not trade my life for anyone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you sound great. I have no idea if your son is gay or transgender. Only time will tell. And, in all likelihood, if he is either, he will identify as something completely different by the time it becomes relevant. As a member of the queer community, things are quickly changing in terms of identifiers and nomenclature that people choose for themselves on that front. As for the logistics, and I say this with a ton of experience, you are on the right track. You are aware that something could be going on that has broader repercussions and you are attuned to it. You love him and allow him to be himself and that is such a huge part of the battle for GLBTQ youth. Again, I acknowledge that he may not be an GLBTQ youth but, just in case, you are just awesome for wanting to make sure that he is "covered" with regards to issues related to bullying, etc. I do not know where you live or how progressive your elementary school or your school system is but, depending on how this goes, you will want to keep in mind issues related to bathroom usage, name calling, curriculum inclusion, etc. I know that some conservative people following this thread will probably jump down my throat at that last one but, realistically, it does make a huge difference to kids who are gender variant (term that could mean anything from transgender to playing with the "opposite gender toys" at this point in his development) to have authority figures throw in random facts like, "boys can wear skirts if that is what they feel most comfortable with wearing." Again, I know some people will freak out at this idea but I hail from the West Coast and, well, the environment is just a lot different for these kids depending on where you are specifically. Anyway, I do not want to generalize about your son since everyone is different and comes to an AHA! moment at different times. I would say to take the watch and see approach while arming yourself with resources. Here are a few to get you started:

https://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resources-on-gender-variance-in-children
http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=6178&Type=Program&Name=Gender%20and%20Sexuality%20Psychosocial%20Programs#__utma=149406063.1187537227.1392045974.1392045974.1392045974.1&__utmb=149406063.1.10.1392045974&__utmc=149406063&__utmx=-&__utmz=149406063.1392045974.1.1.utmcsr=google|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=-&__utmk=238998912


And, if it were one of my kids, I would probably connect with a good psychologist who specializes in these issues and, if you can afford it, start taking him regularly (maybe once a month) so that you have a sounding board as this plays itself out. Depending on where your son might take you, you may have to consider stopping male puberty, etc. I don't want to get ahead of things in this regard since he is still so young but, you know, some people know this early on and some people have absolutely no clue. And some, just grow out of it. Seven is kind of magical that way!

Lastly, keep loving him like you are! Parental love and support really can conquer all of the other bs that queer people have to deal with as they figure out how to stand tall in the world. Oh, and, who gives a crap about having a strong dude around, this is about your little dude?! and no "man in his life" is going to change who he was born to become. With the exception, of course, of one that decides to try to beat it out of him (which I imagine some of these awful people on here would support) which will only delay the process or make him extremely depressed/vulnerable.

Re: your last paragraph, last sentence, that is your own bias. No one in their right mind would support a man "beating" a child in this way. But perhaps proper male love in his life (e.g. a father) could help him. (And I'm sure you'll misshape that statement as well.)

[Anonymous]

On the plus side, you can quit contributing to his college fund, and focus on helping the kids that will give you grandchildren someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

Modern psychology tends to disagree with you. Who the hell are you to decide what someone was meant to be????

[Anonymous]

Re: your last paragraph, last sentence, that is your own bias. No one in their right mind would support a man "beating" a child in this way. But perhaps proper male love in his life (e.g. a father) could help him. (And I'm sure you'll misshape that statement as well.)

Of course proper love can only be good for a person. Who is not supportive of that?! Love from a man vs. love from a woman, well that is just riddled with biases about the way we love when we belong to whatever sex. Now, whatever do you mean by "help"? That is the real question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Re: your last paragraph, last sentence, that is your own bias. No one in their right mind would support a man "beating" a child in this way. But perhaps proper male love in his life (e.g. a father) could help him. (And I'm sure you'll misshape that statement as well.)

Of course proper love can only be good for a person. Who is not supportive of that?! Love from a man vs. love from a woman, well that is just riddled with biases about the way we love when we belong to whatever sex. Now, whatever do you mean by "help"? That is the real question.

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about love from a father, which is very different from love from a mother. And needed just as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

Modern psychology tends to disagree with you. Who the hell are you to decide what someone was meant to be????

You're right. I'm pretty sure the woman next door was meant to be a parakeet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

Modern psychology tends to disagree with you. Who the hell are you to decide what someone was meant to be????

You're right. I'm pretty sure the woman next door was meant to be a parakeet.

Wow, OP! I guess now we can all agree that DS is a lucky kid to have you as a parent instead of some of these people! And, yes, who the hell else could possibly grow up happily without the exceptional difference of a father's love. Oh, the president, for one. But, I guess you people will probably comment on his inadequacies next. And blame them on his missing daddy. And, by the way, I am equal opportunity. I think kids can grow up just fine with only a mom, only a dad, only a grandma, only a grandpa, two moms, two dads, a lesbian dad, etc...to love them. So long as a human caretaker shows them unconditional love, places proper boundaries, educates them, and allows them the opportunity to be who they were born to be. I am sure you will now object away.

By the way, this is so disgusting. Why in the world are you people posting here? Answer the OP's question or get the hell out. Why do you have to be so virulent, so vitriolic, so obsessed with your opinions that you need to bring up something totally pointless. She is a single mom, the kid has male role models or they are living under a rock (I mean there are men everywhere if you have not noticed), why do you need to obsess about a father figure...the kid is who he is and will be who he is regardless of the presence or absence of fatherly love. And, to the hilarious poster who likened this to her neighbor being a parakeet...was that a serious comment?! Good grief!

[Anonymous]

Try to just accept him as he is. Don't try to label him as gay or trans or anything like that yet. Let him grow into himself and not feel like he has to be pushed into a label.